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Dexterbrazil

The How to be an Idiot on Internet Forums Guide

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Taken from http://forum.valinor.com.br/showthread.php?t=42916

There you go Neller! :D

After wasting no less than 3 hours and a half translating this text to English, I don't know who's the idiot anymore :s Anyway, the text is great, although a bit long. And sorry for the eventual spelling mistake - seven years on and I still can't write properly.

Internet forums keep getting taken over by IDIOTS. We all know who they are: the stupid forum user that acts like they couldn't understand what we are saying, even when it's clear that even a monkey could; the girl that only talks about fluffy and childsh things and writes 99% of the words in different useless forms (like "ma", "ova") and fills her messages with smiles, making them illegible; the fool who seems to take everything seriously, pretending to be really smart; those retards who like to pretend that nothing is funny, just to act "cool"; the imbecile that thinks that posting a lot of messages, one after another, is a good way to be seen; etc.

Point in fact, today the Internet is devasted by those IDIOTS in a way that us, poor normal people with an IQ above two digits, have become the minority, and victims of prejudice due to our irritating insistence in posting coherent and grammatically correct messages.

If you're part of that minority, don't worry: YOUR PROBLEMS ARE OVER! Because...

... the Guide on How To Be An Idiot On Internet Forums has arrived!!!

Now you'll learn how to become a complete IDIOT in less time than you imagine and with guaranteed results! Don't be embarrassed by your well written posts, full of information, anymore: learn how to post absolutely USELESS and RIDICULOUS things, and join the big league boys!

The Guide on How To Be An Idiot On Internet Forums contains 9.5 easy steps, that even a complete dimwit can understand. This way, if you're already an idiot, you'll have the chance to take your art to perfection!

Here we go:

Step 1 - Registering yourself as an idiot (optional)

This is an optional step, so, if you want, you can jump straight to Step 2. Of course, you need to be a registered member in order to use most forums (everybody that doesn't know that is an IDIOT), therefore it's obvious that this step isn't about how to register for an username, but how can you do it and look like an IDIOT.

Firstly, you have to pick a nickname. If you really want to start improving your IDIOT-like skills right from the start, I advise you to pick the most moronic nickname you can think of. The options are relatively limited, but there's still enough to satisfy even the most picky of the IDIOTS. You can:

a) create a nickname that's either mispelled or suspiciously incomplete, such as "Gandorf" or "Wayne Roon";

B) create a redundant nickname that leaves it clear that you don't understand anything in English, but wanted a "cool" nickname nevertheless, like "Killer Assassin Angel" ou "Flaming Blaze" (step "a" can be used in here as well, for a combo effect);

c) create a ridiculous variaton of a nickname that almost certainly is being used by other 300 forumers, like "***%Joe%***" or "RRRRRRRooonaldOOOO";

d) create an illegible nickname, such as “¤´¯`•»P®¥§¢¥|_|_@....”;

e) create a regular nickname. This is a risky choice, because, although some IDIOTS do use non-idiotic nicknames, they usually compensate this lack of stupidity in other aspects. So be careful when choosing this option, because you'll be wasting a perfect chance of showing just how much of an IDIOT you trully are.

Remember that you need to be as less creative as posible, otherwise you'll just look like someone pretending to be an IDIOT, and that's absurd, and isn't very nice.

Second part of registering to the forum as an IDIOT is filling the other fields of the registration form. This is also optional, as most IDIOTS are too lazy to fill them in and some others don't even know that there are more fields to be filled when signing up.

If you choose to fill in these fields, do that in an absolutely idiotic way. Put jokes that aren't funny in the personal fields, like "oops...I forgot" or "Gee, there sure are lots of fields to be filled", etc.

If you want to use a signature, use the most idiotic one you can find/create. Well known quotes, like popular sayings from 1990s or the latest Transformer flick, are a good choice. Mind boggling cryptic messages to other users/friends/unknown cosmic entities are recommended, especially if you add smilies to it. Doing all of this at once is even better! The forum signature is the first place where IDIOTS reveal their personality, and your personality must be spectacularly idiotic.

Step 2 - "HI, I'M AN IDIOT"

This is an obligatory step, so pay a lot of attention. IDIOTS like to create MANY threads to introduce themselves to the community, so if you don't create at least one, you won't be a considered a complete IDIOT. "But many people create threads to introduce themselves and are most certainly not IDIOTS!", you might say. You are right, but all IDIOTS do that in style.

A good way to start is creating the thread on the wrong place. Look for the sub-forum that has less to do with Welcoming Threads and set up your thread there. Soon, everybody will notice how idiotic you are, and, consequently, you'll be quickly accepted as part of the clan.

But don't you think it's over yet, you still have the hard work of writing your first message. At this point it's important to notice that all IDIOTS hate to write, so you must do it in the crappiest way you can (cf. Step 3, ahead).

Important: when normal people read an introductory thread, they are probably looking for information about the thread stater. And it's exactly because of this that you won't leave any personal information clear and accessible to them. I'll explain: When IDIOTS read an welcoming thread they don't give a rat's arse to whom you are, they just want to post "Welcome!!!!11111one1one11" or some other less imaginative variation of spam. As such, when an IDIOT creates this kind of thread, he will not talk about himself, as he just wants people posting "Welcome!!!!11111one1one11" on it.

Talking about yourself isn't forbidden, but it would be too stupid, even for the most idiotic IDIOT. (I mean, you may take the risk, but the other IDIOTS can be jealous of your level of stupidity, which would make your acceptance in their group way harder). The best option is writing a simple idiotic post, following the specifications detailed on Step 3, occasionally throwing a bit of ipersonal information in the middle of the text. This way the other IDIOTS will quickly recognize you as one of them.

STEP 3 - THE ART OF READING AND WRITING AS AN Idiot

This is probably the hardest part of the process. As it was previously said, IDIOTS hate to write. Still, regardless of how much they hate it, they do it all the time. And seing as you are ready to become an IDIOT, mastering the art of writing like one is indispensable.

Before anything else, you must understand that they don't just hate to write. IDIOTS detest reading just as well. This way, when posting, you must not care a single bit about what is being discussed in the thread.

Don't waste yur precious time reading other users' posts, this isn't necessary for an IDIOT.

"But if I don't read what the others have written, how can I partake in the discussion?" Ah, blissful naivite. Post anything you want. There are no rules regarding what you should and should not post when you are an IDIOT. Talk about your neighbor's dog with ringworms of the size of a rattlesnake, talk about the girl in your school whom you fell in love for, talk about your favourite Nu Metal band, whatever springs to your disfunctional mind!

IDIOTS do talk about the thread's subject occasionally, so you must do it sometimes too. But when venturing into this rarest of activities, just read the thread's first post and nothing else. Post something vaguely related to what the OP (Original Poster) said and ignore everything the other posts say. This way the other IDIOTS will soon realise that you, just like them, don't have the mental capacity to follow a discussion of more than 2 messages, and will take you in their arms in no time.

Even rarer are idiots that directly answer other user's posts. If you try to do that, act with extreme caution, because if you start to actively participate in those discussions, the other IDIOTS will start to think you are annoying and will consider you simply a normal, irritating person. Considering the perils of wandering into this seldom explored territory, here are some tips:

  • - Never use quotes. It's simply the worst thing you can do. Your message will look horribly organized, and organization is something that doesn't exist in the IDIOTS' world. Instead, copy/paste the message which you'll reply to and post your answer right above it, preferentially not adding a line break between them. This way, identifying what's the original post and what's your reply will be almost impossible.
  • - Don't say anything constructive. Reply to the message of your preference with a very bad taste joke or an useless comment. Make no sense whatsoever.

Now that I've already explained what you should write, it's time to talk about HOW you should write your posts.

To IDIOTS, "grammar" is just another word which they bear little to none consideration for. Therefore, disrespect it as much as you can, and remember that there are no exaggerations when you are an IDIOT. Type 'z' instead of 's' and vice-versa; use words that mean absolutely nothing in any variation of English; see "your" and "you're" / "were", "we're" as interchangeable; make each error count and the other IDIOTS will be impressed with your lack of commom sense.

Equally important are mispelling errors. A true IDIOT must type as if his fingers were being controlled by a drunk puppeteer. And the most important: never, ever, proof-read your post.

Naturally, this isn't enough for a true IDIOT. One of the biggest contributions of the Internet to humanity was that, based on it, IDIOTS were able to develop their own language. If you want to be respected as an IDIOT, it's essential that you have complete domain over their vocabulary.

Just like anything else created by IDIOTS, this dialect is simple and irregular. The main rule is "there are no rules", bar some basic guidelines that should be followed at yur own will. Their language involves basically the free exchange of letters withing a phrase, sometimes with the objective of making the use of the "shift" key obsolete, as that is something too complex for IDIOTS (have you ever seen an idiot pushing more than 1 key at the same time?), and other keys, just for added idiocy.

Below is an small dictionary of that language, with the phonetic representantion of the letter, and it's correct pronunciation. This alphabet also seems to be used by Chavs, who probably are the evolution of the Internet-confined specimen subject to our study.

  • o --> u (it happens when the sound of the letter "o" is covered by the sound of the "u", or "l". Example: "Could" --> "cud");
  • e --> (it happens when the sound of the letter “e” isn't pronounced. Example: some --> sum, come --> well, you've got the jist of it );
  • er --> a (it happens when the combination of the letters "er" has the same sound of an "a" with an accent. Example: other --> "ova");
  • th --> v (it happens when the combination of the lettrs "th" has the same sound of a "v" with an accent. See example above)

Punctuation must be carefully careless, if at all extant, but pay attention to the following patterns:

- Firstly, completely forget about the standard punctuation method you learned at school. Pretend it doesn't exist. It's a mirage. It isn't there.

- Exclamation and question marks should be used with extreme caution (many IDIOTS make questions without putting the question mark at the end of a sentence, since all the rest of the IDIOTS should know that it was a question). If you think that putting a question mark or exclamation mark is essencial, don't stop on the first one. Use about nine times more marks than what a normal person would.

- Regarding the use of commas, use them sparely, and, just, in cases, where, they shouldn't be, used.

- In IDIOT World, the semicolon only exists by accident.

It's also common among IDIOTS the use of other idiotic resources of their language, such as writing a message with CAPS LOCK turned on, or putting the same word dozens of times in the same sentence. Again, there are no specific rules to regulate that, except the one that say "the more nonsensical, the better".

Step 4 - SMILIES EVERYWHERE!

IDIOTS love all kinds of smilies, so use them as much as possible. “But smilies, as the name itself says, are useful for transmiting emotions through the cold means of the Internet, even serving as a tool to intensify the emotional impact intendend by some messages, and that definitely isn't idiotic”, one could wisely point out. Yes, that is correct, but IDIOTS don't seem to know that. Therefore, you'll have to use smiles always in parts of the message where they don't mean anything, and always in stupid amounts.

All forums have at least a standard set of smilies ready to use, and IDIOTS like to mix all of them in a way that makes no sense to regular users. However, you should not be limited to use the forum smilies. Idiots also like to create their own symbols:

o__o

_o/

(o_o//

Something absurdly idiotic you could do is stretching them out, so they can use more screen space than necessary:

XDDDDDDDDDDDD

o________________o

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\o///////////////////////////////

etc.

Stretch them beyond the limits of commom sense, preferentially distorting the page, and before you can even realise you'll be in the IDIOTS' Hall of Fame.

Step 5 – ASKING FOR ATTENTION

All IDIOTS seek attention at a pathological level. They are invariably spoiled and puerile beings that need to be the center of attention like a smoker needs nicotine. This means that every post of yours will be a desperate attempt of grabbing the eyes of normal human beings.

Your attitude when posting must be focused on that, and there are some patterns of behavior that guarantee high levels of success:

Before anything else, declare your immeasurable desire of making friends.

Give all new forum members, on their respective introduction threads, a big WELCOME! Write down the MSN addys and ICQ numbers of everybody (you can tell this is up to date!). Send PM's saying “good morning” and/or “good evening” and/or “Hi, how are you” to everyone that's online when you enter the forum.

When you finally get MSN/ICQ/Facebook contacts of a considerable amount of users, apply the technics described below (important: always focus on users of the opposite sex):

- Declare bad luck in love

This one is very popular. For some unknown reason, IDIOTS believe that looking pathetic and frustrated in love will help them score some points with the opposite sex. Go figure that out :confused:. Anyway, regardless of how old you actually are, act like a frustrated teenager that has just received his first "NO", and try to use that to initiate a relationship with someone from the forum, even if you have never seen or spoken to that person before.

- Declare your ineptitude at making friends/having luck in love;

Can you see that things are getting quite repetitive now? Well, actually, this technic should be used only after you realise the previous one was a total and uter failure. If you cannot make friends/start a relationship on the forum, make it look like you are so desperate that suicide is an option.

Step 6 – LAUGHING: ALWAYS OR NEVER

Basically, when it come to the matter of laughter, there are 2 types of IDIOTS: the fool-cheerful and the fool-arrogant. Before embarking on the trip to IDIOTSHIRE you must opt for one of these two approaches. Strangely, there aren't many reports of IDIOTS oscillating between these two variations of foolish behaviour. IDIOTS invariably belong to one of these groups, and never move from one group to another.

In case you choose to act likethe fool-cheerful type, you must add virtual laughters to every single post you make, except in the ones where you forget about it (remember about the step about typing mistakes - never edit a post). A good solution to that is posting the same thing again, just adding the laughters ina new message. That is so idiotic that all the other IDIOTS will be amazed at how you've progressed and might pick you as their leader!

Annoying laughters are recommended. If your arse isn't sore at the end of the day it's because you haven't laughted it off enough times.

In case you choose to be a fool-arrogant, you must never demonstrate the slightest sense of humour. Your objective is to become the world's most boring person. Always look grumpy and try to pass along the image of someone with temperament issues. Complain all the time, about everything. And forget about Step 4. Emoticons usually represent happiness, and this kind of IDIOT will always pass the impression he's got the Statue of Liberty stuck up his arse.

*There is a third type of IDIOT, that is the only known kind of the species that writes reasonably well, can follow a complete discussion, and even looks slightly intelligent. You must act with extreme caution if you choose to join this very secluded group, because the downside of writing, reading and understanding others is that all the characteristics commomly present in the ordinary IDIOT (arrogancy, selfishness, a bad temper, etc) are raised to the cube. Sincerely, there aren't many reasons to belong to this group of IDOTS, given that they are discriminated by both normal users and other IDIOTS.

Step 7 - MODS: HATE THEM OR LOVE THEM

Again, there aren't many choices. Idiots always think that moderators:

a)are always right OR B) are always wrong.

If you go by the ways of option a), never challenge a moderator or disagree with what he's posted. Accept everything they do without complaining, no matter how stupid their actions look. Praise them and encourage them, and always complain about the "idiots" that follow option B). Make suggestions about possible improvements in the forum and report everyone who disrespects the rules (of course, IDIOTS usually disrespect them as well, what makes these complaints a bit hypocritical, but you're an IDIOT, so you don't care). Occasionally an IDIOTS becames a moderator, so keep trying and one day it could be you!

In case you pick option B), always complain about the mods, no matter how coherently the act. Complain all the time, acuse them of tyranny and favoritism. A recommended behavior is: as soon as a mod interferes with your participation in the forum (deleting a post, locking a thread, or even sending you a warning), hate him above everybody else. From that moment on, 75% of your posts will have the sole objective of defaming that moderator. Acuse them of despotism, make heated protests about how that moderator has no respect for your freedom of speech, etc. Sooner than you think, you'll receive your first temporary ban, a symbol of status among IDIOTS worldwide.

Step 8 – NEVER UNDERSTAND, KEEP MAKING QUESTIONS

IDIOTS never understand anything thta's said to them. If you want to be taken seriously in the IDIOTS' community, you must look extremely confused the entire time, making pointless questions about everything you interact with. Act like you have never heard of Google, and use the forum as your own private search engine.

Do it this way: let's say that, in a thread about movies, an user has posted something about Altman. A true IDIOT wouldn't have a clue who the hell Altman is, and wouldn't use any search engine to find it out. Therefore, the most acceptable reaction from an IDIOT would be to post something like “Who's Altman????? o___O”, in the middle of the conversation. Please note that most IDIOTS never come back to read the answer – they don't care about it, they just want to make questions.

The best moment to put that behavior in practice is when the discussion is active, and all the participantes are having a good time. This way the idiotic question becomes the central point of discussion, much to the annoyance of everyone involved, except the IDIOTS.

Step 8,5 - NEVER USE THE HELP SECTION

This step goes hand in hand with Step 8, and is related to one little, but important, thing. Most forums have a help section where new users have their questions answered by the most experienced forumers.

No matter what happens, keep this on your mind: that thing is too ******* complicated and absolutely irrelevant to an IDIOTS. Instead of going to the Help Section, post your questions on the nearest thread, or, even better, open your own questions thread, as long as it is located anywhere but in the Help Section.

Step 9 – SPAM, A LOT

This was hinted at in all the previous step, but will be discussed in depth in this one, to give our guide a sense of closure (in case someone hasn't realised that spamming is all that an IDIOT does). That's the last thing you need to know before endeavoring into the world of a forum IDIOT: they like to spam. A lot. Therefore, let's put our hands to work!

1- Make a conversation out of an active thread

In the event of an naïve user replying to a post of yours, any post, act like that person is a long-time friend , even if you don't know who they are. Ask them the first thing you can think of, and try to transform the discussion into your own private chatroom. Try doing it in an active thread: complete success will be reached once you make everybody quit that thread and restart the discussion elsewhere.

2- Post everywhere

Try to post on ALL threads, in all the subsections of the forum. Even when you don't have anything useful to post - what will happen in 99% of the times. Bonus points if you can find an IDIOT friend and challenge him to see who manages to fill an entire page of "New Posts Search" with their name.

3- Start absurd amounts of threads

Try to create as many threads as you can, using as little time possible. A good strategy is to keep a constant eye at the list of threads on the home page of the forum and create threads to discuss something that is already being discussed there, just to make a mod come and lock your thread, giving you the chance to apply the techniques described in Step 7.

4- Let everyone know that you're reading their posts

Post useless comments about whatever you see on a given thread. Even when you have nothing to add to the debate, it's always a good thing to post the occasional “Oh really?” or an “I agree”. Add laughing smilies to anything that sounds slightly like a joke.

And now you can say you are a certified* Forum IDIOT.

Certification not included.

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Re: The How to be an Idiot on Internet Forums Guide

Thanks Dexter I finally just finished it :)

but .. You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Dexterbrazil again.

Was an brilliant post should be stickied somewere good.

Funny thing is that post applies in some way to every single one of us :eek:

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Re: The How to be an Idiot on Internet Forums Guide

Thanks Dexter I finally just finished it :)

but .. You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Dexterbrazil again.

Was an brilliant post should be stickied somewere good.

Funny thing is that post applies in some way to every single one of us :eek:

I bet you took less time to read it than I took to translate it :P

And yeah, it's really funny how that post applies to everyone, sometimes more than once. :)

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Re: The How to be an Idiot on Internet Forums Guide

I bet you took less time to read it than I took to translate it :P

And yeah' date=' it's really funny how that post applies to everyone, sometimes more than once. :)[/quote']

yeah must have taken you ages ... well like u said 4 hours, im sure anyone reading this will agree it deserves a + rep just for the time and effort alone on top of that the thread itself is excellent.

from now on when certain ppl (no names) get carried away with replies im going to quote things from here :)

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Re: The How to be an Idiot on Internet Forums Guide

Well. I have just given Dexter a point. ;)

That thread made my chinese go cold!!!!!!! LOL!!

Honestly, that hit me a few times. Only a few mind. Lets just hope all those guys who make up polls of "Who is gonna win....." blah dee blah. (When the transfers hadn't even started). Will read this. Then maybe a SM IQ test is in order.

Maybe Bobo the Monkey can be the judge!!! ha ha ha. Taking libertys now he on hol. ha ha.

Fantastic thread Dex. Spot on. And with the language. Spotted 2 spelling mistakes. :P Just kiddin mate. great stuff.

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Re: The How to be an Idiot on Internet Forums Guide

Another thing' date=' I think I've beaten the record of biggest thread on the forum, putting Teb's 6,000 best sellers behind this one :D[/quote']

why did u have to say that :( , you do know what hes going to do now dont you.

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Re: The How to be an Idiot on Internet Forums Guide

One of the best threads on here for a while, time and effort were not wasted, and highly appreciated for great enjoyment levels. :)

Like Neller said, there's a bit of that thread in all of us, and no thread is idiot proof, you have to really worry about some people, watch out it doesn't happen to you.

But excellent stuff, very funny, just hope the idiots can get a grasp of it. :P

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Re: The How to be an Idiot on Internet Forums Guide

My guess is posting the Bible' date=' or maybe the Encyclopedia Britannica, images included[/quote']

I can post the bible plus + some extra books that are left out :D

Look out for it on the forum when im finished ;)

EXCEPTIONAL Thread there Dex il give ya a vote & then il read it all lol

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Re: The How to be an Idiot on Internet Forums Guide

My guess is posting the Bible' date=' or maybe the Encyclopedia Britannica, images included[/quote']

LOL!

Not laughed like that since watching my mate miss an absolute sitter yesterday!!!!

Funny man!!

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Re: The How to be an Idiot on Internet Forums Guide

I feel that some people indeed think that this wonderful thread came entirely from the top of my head. but it was written by other forum genious, in a brazillian forum, and, no matter how much i'm flattered, I do think that you shoudn't give me rep for it, as the only effort i made was translating the text to English. :)

I'll add the original link on the first post.

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Re: The How to be an Idiot on Internet Forums Guide

I feel that some people indeed think that this wonderful thread came entirely from the top of my head. but it was written by other forum genious' date=' in a brazillian forum, and, no matter how much i'm flattered, I do think that you shoudn't give me rep for it, as the only effort i made was translating the text to English. :)

I'll add the original link on the first post.[/quote']

Donjt put yourself down mate i doubt anyone else in here would have translated it even if they could you deserve plenty of rep for it.

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Re: The How to be an Idiot on Internet Forums Guide

I posted this on another forum just now & its messed up the whole forum layout lol

Dex your getting famous :P

As long as the due credits are being given to Valinor Forums, I'll be glad to help :)

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Re: The How to be an Idiot on Internet Forums Guide

As long as the due credits are being given to Valinor Forums' date=' I'll be glad to help :)[/quote']

The site i posted on is real strick with advertising & dosent alow URL'S :(

This "Story" isent Copyrighted is it ?

Not that i care anyway lol i just a post a message giving credit to its original Author (Who was it)

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Re: The How to be an Idiot on Internet Forums Guide

The site i posted on is real strick with advertising & dosent alow URL'S :(

This "Story" isent Copyrighted is it ?

Not that i care anyway lol i just a post a message giving credit to its original Author (Who was it)

No, not copyrighted, but at least the owner of the text should be mentioned, hes name is........"V" :)

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Re: The How to be an Idiot on Internet Forums Guide

Thanks Dexter I finally just finished it :)

but .. You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Dexterbrazil again.

Was an brilliant post should be stickied somewere good.

Funny thing is that post applies in some way to every single one of us :eek:

Applies to me in the 'Unlucky in love' bit. :(

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Re: The How to be an Idiot on Internet Forums Guide

Just came across this' date=' HILARIOUS!!!

hahaha!!! off to change my name to hard monkey killing machine, lol :P[/quote']

Well seems it was started in July a month after you joined and it is now November,how about the name Quick thread finder ,or Specsaver Man .:D:)

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Re: The How to be an Idiot on Internet Forums Guide

Thanks Dexter I finally just finished it :)

but .. You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Dexterbrazil again.

Was an brilliant post should be stickied somewere good.

Funny thing is that post applies in some way to every single one of us :eek:

Well I finally just got to give it the rep it deserved back then :)

well worth a read

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