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ruggermad

The Joke Thread

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Re: The Joke Thread

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

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Re: The Joke Thread

floor manager had to sack one of his staff

and couldn't make his mind up between

kate and jack, so decided that the next one to use drinks machine

he would let go

next day kate came into work with a hangover

she went to use the drinks machine so she could take some aspirin,

floor maanger went over to kate and said

"this is difficult but i have to lay you or jack off"

kate replied "well you'll have to jack off as i've got a hell of a headache"

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Re: The Joke Thread

Cant believe there's not a joke thread on here until now.

Use this space to showcase the best (and worst) jokes you know or have heard.

Great idea you had, to create this thread, mate!

Very funny jokes, you guys already posted.

I'll tell one, as well:

So, a captain and his crew are sailing on their ship, when they hear:

"A pirate ship is approaching, captain, what do we do?"

The captain answers: "Don't worry, we can take them, just go get my red shirt."

One of the crew members asks why and the captain says: "Because if I get hurt during the fight, you guys won't be able to see my blood and get discouraged or scared."

The whole crew reacted very well, praising their captain's bravery.

A few moments after, they hear: "captain, it turns out, instead of 1 pirate ship, there are 80 or so!"

The crew gets quite agitated and one subordinate asks the captain (who looks really scared):" what do we do now, sir?"

The captain immediately answers: "Just shut up and go get my brown trousers!"

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Re: The Joke Thread

Just an advanced warning that these jokes should be kept as clean as possible. Don't let me spoil the fun though!

One of my personal favourites goes as follows...

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Ok, he's a cheesy variety act from days gone by but this has to be one of the best self-effacing one(two) liners their has ever been from the late Bob Monkhouse:

"They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now"

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Re: The Joke Thread

My tax return got rejected the other day. It got sent back to me as my response to "Question 4: Do you have who is dependent on you?" was;

"2.1 million illegal immigrants, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scrounges, 1.1 million crackheads, 900,000 criminals, 650 ponces in Government and the entire European Commission"

They said this was not an acceptable answer.

Who the hell did I miss out?!

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Re: The Joke Thread

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen a lift) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...

'Go get your Mother!'

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Re: The Joke Thread

Ha ha a classic joke from the legendary Tommy Cooper.

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'

Two blondes walked into a building. You'd have thought one would have seen it.

"I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays’.”

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Re: The Joke Thread

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “Okay, now what?”

Simply Hilarious :))

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Re: The Joke Thread

Courtesy of my three and a half year old daughter:

Where does spaghetti go to party? The meatball

Where do cows go on a Saturday night? To the moovies.

Not the funniest of jokes but hilarious when she tells them.

Funnier than John Bishop.

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