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ruggermad

The Joke Thread

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Re: The Joke Thread

Read this about 2 years ago on another forum :D

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths.So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding.Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground!By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay.I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day.You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony.Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge.But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me.I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony.I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me.I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands.Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right.Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated.Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

--------

Johnny goes to a strip club one day. His mom finds out and gets really angry. She asks him if he saw anything there that he was not supposed to see.

Johnny's response was: "Yeah, I saw dad..."

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Re: The Joke Thread

This is one of my all time favourites... Love the irony :)

---

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

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Re: The Joke Thread

Read this about 2 years ago on another forum :D

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day' date=' though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths.So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed.As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding.Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground!By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay.I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day.You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony.Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge.But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me.I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony.I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me.I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands.Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right.Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated.Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

--------

[/quote']

Bit lengthy but funny as hell. :D Gotta spread ...

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Re: The Joke Thread

One day a bloke in a pub sees this attractive woman and decides to try his luck...

he approaches her and says "you know what I would like to do to you is nibble on your ear and whisper sweet nothing's"

The woman is unimpressed and tells him to go away.

He approaches again two minutes later and says " you know what I would like to do to you is smother your lady lumps with ice cream and lick them off"

She shouts furiously go away and don't come back.

He decides she must be keen so goes back to her a third time and says " you know what I would like to do is fill your lady garden with beer and drink from it with a straw"

GO AWAY you raging pervert she shouts, I'm going to get my boyfriend to kick your head in now I warned you.

So she goes over to her BF in another part if the pub and tells him there was this creepy guy approaching here and he needs sorting out.

"Where is he" I am gunna do him.

Wait let me tell you what he said she implores he said he wants to nibble on my ear whilst whispering sweet nothing's, cover my lady lumps with ice cream and lick it off and then said he wants to fill my lady garden with a straw and drink from it"

At the sound if that her Boyfriend gets his Coat and starts to walk out the pub

"But Jake aren't you gunna do defend my honour and sort it out"

He turns round and replies " no chance Love I ain't starting a fight with anybody who can drink that much beer" :)

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Re: The Joke Thread

This is one of my all time favourites... Love the irony :)

---

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair' date=' while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"[/quote']

Hilarious! Be strong honey!

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Re: The Joke Thread

There are 3 different jokes, in this post (and I believe most of you already know the last one).:)

I wouldn't say my wife was so fat, but she wore a white dress to the cinema last night and they showed the film on her back!

So my friend, who has multiple personalities called me yesterday.

My Caller I.D. exploded!

3 guys are lost in a jungle and end up run into a group of cannibals. Out of fear, they ask if there is anything they can do to avoid getting eaten. The leader of the cannibal group says, "Bring us back 10 pieces of a certain type of fruit. If you do, we will not only let you live, but tell you how to get out of the jungle and to safety."

The three guys split up and the first one comes back with ten apples. The cannibal leader says, "Stick all those apples up your anus and keep a straight face." After the third apple, the first guy makes a squirming face, so the cannibals kill him and eat him.

A bit later, the second guy comes back with 10 blueberries. The cannibal leader tells him the same thing. Thinking it would be easy, the second guy sticks all but one blueberry up his anus before laughing uncontrollably. Since he laughed, the cannibals kill him and eat him.

In the afterlife, the two guys are talking. The first guy says, "Why did you laugh? You could have easily lived."

The second guy responds,"I know, but I saw the other guy coming with pineapples."

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Re: The Joke Thread

3 guys are lost in a jungle and end up run into a group of cannibals. Out of fear' date=' they ask if there is anything they can do to avoid getting eaten. The leader of the cannibal group says, "Bring us back 10 pieces of a certain type of fruit. If you do, we will not only let you live, but tell you how to get out of the jungle and to safety."

The three guys split up and the first one comes back with ten apples. The cannibal leader says, "Stick all those apples up your anus and keep a straight face." After the third apple, the first guy makes a squirming face, so the cannibals kill him and eat him.

A bit later, the second guy comes back with 10 blueberries. The cannibal leader tells him the same thing. Thinking it would be easy, the second guy sticks all but one blueberry up his anus before laughing uncontrollably. Since he laughed, the cannibals kill him and eat him.

In the afterlife, the two guys are talking. The first guy says, "Why did you laugh? You could have easily lived."

The second guy responds,"I know, but I saw the other guy coming with pineapples."[/quote']

I am laughing on the floor.

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Re: The Joke Thread

Three very old arsenal fans are in

a church, praying. The first one

asks, "Oh Lord, when will arsenal

next win the Fa Cup?"

And the Good Lord replies, "In

ten years time"

"But I'll be dead by then", says

the first man.

The second one asks, "Oh Lord,

when will arsenal next win the

premier league?".

And the Good Lord answers, "In

fifteen years time".

"But I'll be dead by then", says

the second man.

The third one asks, "Oh Lord,

when will arsenal win the champions league?".

And the Good Lord answers, "I'll

be dead by then...

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Re: The Joke Thread

Have to be a bit careful with my language here so you are gunna have to work out the missing words.....:o

One day a young man finds a beautiful young woman on the beach however she has no arms and legs, he approaches her and sees she is crying so he approaches her and asks

"Excuse me why are you crying"

" I am crying because I am 22 and because I have no arms and legs nobody wants me I have never ever been kissed"

So the young man goes over and kisses her and her face lights up. However she is still clearly upset, "what's wrong he says"

"I am 22 years old and I have never felt what it is like for a man to touch me, run there hands over my lady lumps, touch me make me feel like a woman"

So he goes over unbuttons her blouse and starts playing wi her lady lumps"

"that feels so good but I am 22 years old and what I really want, what I really need is that I have never been fu....."

At this point the young man takes a look at her picks her up and tosses her in the sea.....

"You're fu..... Now aren't you"!!

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Re: The Joke Thread

I thought this one is nice -->

29go2n4.png

An explanation to this:

Your brain reads three or four words at a time and only focus on the first and last letters of each word. It then scans the letters in between and works our the word from the letters of which it's formed.

This leads to faster and more efficient reading speed. It's a result of evolution over time. It's an example of how good our brain is at finding shortcuts to make life easier

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Re: The Joke Thread

An explanation to this:

Your brain reads three or four words at a time and only focus on the first and last letters of each word. It then scans the letters in between and works our the word from the letters of which it's formed.

This leads to faster and more efficient reading speed. It's a result of evolution over time. It's an example of how good our brain is at finding shortcuts to make life easier

Thats interesting. Sounds like our brain is also a bit like CPU i.e. mechanical. :P:)

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Re: The Joke Thread

I can't read it.. It seems like English language' date=' but with a lot of spelling mistakes :confused: What does it suppose to say? :o

only kidding you noobs ;p

Are you serious? You just proved a survey wrong ... :oI know jk :P

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Re: The Joke Thread

I can't read it.. It seems like English language' date=' but with a lot of spelling mistakes :confused: What does it suppose to say? :o

only kidding you noobs ;p

it syas you msut be a good boy or sntaa wluod not cmoe to you tihs yaer

edit: now i see the white text.. brilliant, you know already you have to be good ;)

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Re: The Joke Thread

Here go 4 jokes.:)

What has 108 legs and 10 teeth?

The front row at any country concert.

Two ancient statues in a Roman park had been locking eyes for over 1000 years, their bodies arched toward each other with the promise of a warm embrace. One day a mystical gypsy woman stumbled upon the statues in the park and had an idea.

She used her dark gypsy ways to bring the statues to life promising them an hour to do what they will before they once again must stand still for the rest of time.

Eagerly they took each other's hand and rushed into the bushes. The gypsy smiled as she heard giggling delight and the undeniable sounds of pleasure from near by.

Soon the gypsy heard the female statue crying aloud "I'm going to get one IM GOING to GET ONE!..... Oh Yess I got it!"

To which the male statue replied "Good, hold that dirty pigeon down while I poop on its head."

My brother was in a car accident yesterday and lost his left arm and left leg.

Well actually, he's not my brother... he's my half-brother. He's all right now.

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'" The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

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Re: The Joke Thread

Another hilarious joke :

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails.

When the police show up, they ask him what happened.

The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

:))

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