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The Joke Thread


ruggermad
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Re: The Joke Thread

A math professor was administering the final exam to his students.

He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in.

The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class period, the professor handed the tests back out.

This student got back his test and $62 change.

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Re: The Joke Thread

A robber breaks into a home and hears a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."

Startled, he asks, "Who said that?"

Again, the voice says, "Jesus is watching you."

The robber turns around to see a parrot. He asks the parrot what his name is. The parrot replies, "Cornelius."

The robber asks, "Who names a parrot 'Cornelius'?"

The parrot replies, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus."

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Re: The Joke Thread

A math professor was administering the final exam to his students.

He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in.

The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class period' date=' the professor handed the tests back out.

This student got back his test and $62 change.

[/center']

Stupid teacher:D

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Re: The Joke Thread

A guy buys his first motorcycle. The dealer tells him to keep a jar of Vaseline handy to rub on the chrome before it rains to prevent rusting.

A few months later, the young man's girlfriend invites him to dinner at her parents' house. Before they go in, she explains their family tradition that whomever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After dinner, everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break. After 15 minutes, the young man decides to speed things up. He leans over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word.

Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her. Silence. Desperate, he grabs her mother and has sex with her on the table.

Suddenly, they hear thunder rumble in the distance. The guy thinks of his bike and, instinctively, pulls the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket.

"OK, OK," says the father, "I'll do the dishes!"

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Re: The Joke Thread

Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal.

Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!"

Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned.

After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat.

"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill. "I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned.

"Now Ned," says Bill, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world."

"Oh yeah," Ned replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!"

"That so?" answers Bill, "How about the President of the United States?"

"Let's go!" says Ned.

The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House.

The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave.

"That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!"

"Let's go!" says Ned.

The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Ned my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave.

Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!"

"Benny!" says Ned, "Let's go!"

When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out, Ned's arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and see's Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.

"Bill! Bill! Wake up!" Bill opens his eyes and says, "Ned. You're the most popular man in the world."

"I told you that, Bill," says Ned, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President! You didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"

"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?"

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Re: The Joke Thread

A guy buys his first motorcycle. The dealer tells him to keep a jar of Vaseline handy to rub on the chrome before it rains to prevent rusting.

A few months later' date=' the young man's girlfriend invites him to dinner at her parents' house. Before they go in, she explains their family tradition that whomever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After dinner, everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break. After 15 minutes, the young man decides to speed things up. He leans over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word.

Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her. Silence. Desperate, he grabs her mother and has sex with her on the table.

Suddenly, they hear thunder rumble in the distance. The guy thinks of his bike and, instinctively, pulls the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket.

"OK, OK," says the father, "I'll do the dishes!"[/quote']

Lol finally something he's possessive about. :D

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Re: The Joke Thread

A guy buys his first motorcycle. The dealer tells him to keep a jar of Vaseline handy to rub on the chrome before it rains to prevent rusting.

A few months later' date=' the young man's girlfriend invites him to dinner at her parents' house. Before they go in, she explains their family tradition that whomever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After dinner, everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break. After 15 minutes, the young man decides to speed things up. He leans over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word.

Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her. Silence. Desperate, he grabs her mother and has sex with her on the table.

Suddenly, they hear thunder rumble in the distance. The guy thinks of his bike and, instinctively, pulls the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket.

"OK, OK," says the father, "I'll do the dishes!"[/quote']

very unrealistic... :o

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Re: The Joke Thread

A man goes into a doctor's surgery and says, "Help! I think I'm a moth!"

The doctor says, "Well, I can't help you, I'm only a GP. You need the psychiatrist next door. Why on earth did you come to me?"

And the man says, "Your light was on."

..................

A guy shows up late for work.

The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!"

He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

..................

Three guys, stranded on a desert island,

find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.

The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.

The second guy wishes the same.

The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

B);):)

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Re: The Joke Thread

Eddy was just a regular guy. Except for the fact that he was an only child and the fact that his billionaire father was breathing his last.

Since Eddy was a soon to be billionaire it only made sense that he should have a woman to share his riches with. Eddy approached his childhood crush. “Hey Sandra, I may look like a regular guy, but I’m soon gonna be a billionaire! Do you wanna come home with me?”

“Sure thing” Sandra replied, “I would love to come home with you.”

And that’s the story how Sandra became Eddie’s Stepmother.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

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Re: The Joke Thread

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

:))))

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Re: The Joke Thread

A robber breaks into a home and hears a voice say' date=' "Jesus is watching you."

Startled, he asks, "Who said that?"

Again, the voice says, "Jesus is watching you."

The robber turns around to see a parrot. He asks the parrot what his name is. The parrot replies, "Cornelius."

The robber asks, "Who names a parrot 'Cornelius'?"

The parrot replies, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus."[/quote']

Very very funny, LOL !!! :D

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Re: The Joke Thread

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued' date=' he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

:))))

[left']

[/left]

I love these silly jokes.

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Re: The Joke Thread

A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer please."

The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."

The next day he phones again and asks the same question.

The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.

By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says,"I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

Hahahahaah!!!

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Re: The Joke Thread

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus.

He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

He then gets an idea.

He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door.

He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."

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Re: The Joke Thread

Nope' date=' I found out Santa wasnt real at quite a young age.[/quote']

Ah. I see.

So, that letter work like this right; You write a letter / make a list for Christmas and you send it / keep it under your pillow / gives your parents and your parents read them and then bought you the present?

If I was a Mafioso son' date=' I would write straight to my father.[/quote']

Haha. True that. :P

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