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Re: The Joke Thread

sherlock holmes & dr. Watson go on a camping trip' date=' set up their tent and fall asleep.

Some hours later, holmes wakes his faithful friend.

"watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

watson replies: "i see millions of stars."

"what does that tell you?"

watson ponders for a minute.

"astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that saturn is in leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks:

"watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."[/quote']

priceless :D

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Re: The Joke Thread

A rabbit came into a shop and asked: "Got any carrots?"

The seller answered: "No!"

The next day the rabbit came again and asked: "Got any carrots?"

The seller replied again: "No!"

Next day the rabbit came and asked: "Got any carrots?"

The seller shouted: "No! And if you come again and ask for carrots,

I'll take nails and hammer you on the wall by your ears!"

Early next morning the rabbit came back and asked: "Got any nails?"

The seller answered: "No!"

The rabbit asked: "Got any carrots?"

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Re: The Joke Thread

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to

ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes.

Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend."

The four nuns agree, and run off.

Monday comes, and the four nuns return.

The first nun goes to the priest and

says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you

do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at

heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the

holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly

under her breath.

The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me , Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. Bythis time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.

Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I

have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last

night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks.

The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?"

The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."

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Re: The Joke Thread

'First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.'

Steve Martin (August 14 1945-)

'I always take my wife morning tea in my pajamas, but is she grateful? . . . No, she says she'd rather have it in a cup.'

Eric Morecambe (1926-1984)

I said to my father: "Dad, I want to get married."

He said: "Alright son, who do you want to marry?"

I said: "I'd like to marry Miss Green".

He said: "You can't".

I said: "Why not?"

He said: "She's your half-sister. When I was a lad I had a bike and I got around a bit."

I said: "Alright, I'll marry Miss White."

He said: "You can't, she's your half-sister. Forget about it."

Well, I was a bit despondent and I walked around and my mum said to me: "What's wrong with you?"

I said: "Well, I said to Dad I wanted to marry Miss Green and he said I couldn't because she's my half-sister. I said, "All right, I'll marry Miss White." He said: 'You can't, she's your half-sister."

She said: "Look, you go and marry which one you like. He's not your father anyway!"

Max Miller (1894-1963)

“I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.” Nick Helm

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Re: The Joke Thread

Football quotes :

"Both sides have scored a couple of goals, and both sides have conceded a couple of goals." - PETER WITHE

"I've been consistent in patches this season" - THEO WALCOTT

"In the end, Rosicky initially did well" - ANDY TOWNSEND

"The thing about goalscorers is that they score goals" - TONY COTTEE

"The last six games of the Invincibles season were the most pressurised, because we were under pressure" - RAY PARLOUR

"He's got a lot of self-belief in himself" - GRAHAM BEECROFT

"They were numerically outnumbered" - GARRY BIRTLES

"And with 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0." - IAN DARK

"I'm going to make a prediction - it could go either way." - RON ATKINSON

"Reading won't have the confidence to be confident" - PAUL MERSON

"If we played like this every week, we wouldn't be so inconsistent." - BRYAN ROBSON

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." - DAVID ACFIELD

"Glenn Hoddle hasn't been the Hoddle we know. Neither has Bryan Robson." - RON GREENWOOD

"I don't think there is anybody bigger or smaller than Maradona." - KEVIN KEEGAN

"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip." - JOHN MOTSON

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat." - RON ATKINSON

"I would not say he [David Ginola] is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." - RON ATKINSON

"The new West Stand casts a giant shadow over the entire pitch, even on a sunny day." - CHRIS JONES

"You don't score 64 goals in 86 games at the highest level without being able to score goals." - ALAN GREEN

"Matty Jarvis had acres of time there" - STAN COLLYMORE

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." - TERRY VENABLES

"They're the second best team in the world, and there's no higher praise than that." - KEVIN KEEGAN

"A game is not won until it is lost." - DAVID PLEAT

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet." - DAVID BECKHAM

"I couldn't settle in Italy. It was like living in a foreign country." - IAN RUSH

"We must have had 99 per cent of the match. It was the other three per cent that cost us." - RUUD GULLIT

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock." -BARRY VENISON

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league." - MARK VIDUKA

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day." - NEVILLE SOUTHALL

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona." - MARK DRAPER

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." - ALAN SHEARER

"Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today." - STEVE LOMAS

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable." - PAUL GASCOIGNE

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Re: The Joke Thread

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smoke lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

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An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull." Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull." And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

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A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the

young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.

At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwin...g the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow.

Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead.

The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny *******!"

And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."

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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it’s over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. “What’s going on?” he asks a cemetery worker.

“It’s Beethoven,” says the worker. “He’s decomposing.”

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One weekend four married guys went golfing.

During the 4th hole, the following conversation took place.

First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.

So they asked him: "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy:

"I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm,

gave the wife a nudge and said: 'Golf course or intercourse?'

She said, 'Don't forget your sweater.'"

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Simon took his seat in the 3rd row of the arena for the big football match.

Upon looking around, he was surprised to see his young neighbor, Jerry, in the front row. "Hi, Jerry!" He called out.

Jerry turned around. "Hi, Simon!" he called back.

"How did you get the front row ticket?" Simon asked.

Jerry answered, "From my older brother."

Simon asked, "Where is he?"

Jerry answered, "At home looking for his ticket!"

Michael was watching the derby game between Manchester United and Liverpool; Old Trafford was packed and there was only one empty seat - next to Michael.

'Who does that seat belong to?' asked the person in the next seat.

'My wife usually sits there.' Michael replied

'But why isn't she here?' the neighbour persisted

'She died.' Said Michael in a matter-of-fact tone.

'So why didn't you give the ticket to one of your mates?'

'They've all gone to the funeral.' Said Michael.

It was the F.A Cup Final dinner and dance held in the evening, after the final. The festivities were in full swing when three newcomers arrived without tickets. 'It's all right,' said one, 'we're friends of the referee.'

'Whoever heard of a referee with three friends?', said the bouncer, as he threw them out.

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Re: The Joke Thread

The Prime Minister has left the country on a tour of friendly countries. He’s expected home tomorrow.

:)

Why did the Israelis stay out of the Gulf War? Because the last time they spoke with a Bush they spent forty years wandering in the desert.

:D

A US politician goes to an Indian reservation to try and drum up support. He stands on a barrel and delivers a rousing speech.

First he promises less taxes and his audience reply by shouting, ‘Hoya! Hoya!’ ‘Hey, they like me,’ thinks the politician.

He then promises the Indians better public facilities.

‘Hoya! Hoya!’ shouts his audience.

The politician is delighted and then promises to increase the reservation lands by fifty per cent.

The crowd yells back, ‘Hoya! Hoya!’

‘This is fantastic!’ thinks the politician. ‘They’re eating out of my hand.’

He gets off his barrel and asks one of the chiefs if he can give another speech next week. ‘We’ll talk about it while I walk you back to your car,’ says the chief.

The chief escorts the politician to his limo parked by a cattle pen. ‘I did pretty good back there,’ says the politician. ‘You think so?’ answers the chief. ‘Hey, watch your shoes! You almost stepped in that big pile of hoya.’

:(

An Englishman, a Swede and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. ‘Look at that beautiful garden,’ muses the Englishman. ‘Only an Englishman could grow a garden as beautiful as that.’ ‘Nonsense,’ says the Swede. ‘They’re naked and unashamed. They must be Scandinavian.’ ‘Rubbish,’ says the Russian. ‘No clothes, no house, one apple between them, and they’re told it’s paradise – definitely Russian.’

:o

A politician was once asked about his attitude towards whisky. ‘If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise!’

B)

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A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin'! There's no paper on this side either!"

:o

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY... for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for the last 48 years."

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Re: The Joke Thread

A child walks in to the living room and asks

"Dad, where does Poo come from?"

Without wanting to be too explicit the father replies

"Well, son. First Mummy makes us dinner. Then we eat it. Then the body takes away all the goodness from the food to make us strong. Then we sit on the toilet and what's left comes out as poo".

Looking stunned and somewhat upset the child replies,

"And what about Tigger?"

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Re: The Joke Thread

A guy goes to his attic and finds a dusty lamp. He rubs it and out comes a genie, however, this genie is old and tired, and will only grant one wish.

The guy asks, "I wish for peace in the Middle East."

The genie brings out maps, lecturing about how this could never be possible due to the diverse factions in the area, and tells the guy to make another wish.

So the guy replies, "Okay, I wish for Liverpool to win the league next year."

The genie replies, "Let's go back to those maps."

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