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Tom's Comedy Corner [All Things Comedy]


Tom Erdenay

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Guest TOM_HEMY

Re: Tom's Comedy Corner [All Things Comedy]

You know there's been all this fuss over people having childeren to old, but that means that when the childeren reach their teenage years and they actually want their parents to die, it will happen.:D Also when the child grows up there would be a sort of role reversal happening, it wouldn't be the teenager ringing up his parents(assuming it's a boy) to come and pick him up the old person would ring up his son and say:

Old guy: Son, could you come and pick me up please?

Son: Eeeerrrr, where are you?

Old guy: On the bathroom floor.

(Courtesy of Jack Dee.)

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Guest Mr. Razzcocks

Re: Tom's Comedy Corner [All Things Comedy]

A woman told a court she has been put off sausages for life after seeing her neighbour pleasuring himself in his back garden. Denise Woodage complained to police after she allegedly saw Paul Darlow rubbing his genitals, mowing his lawn and cleaning his windows several times completely naked – apart from a pair of boots.

Following complaints of similar behaviour in March last year, police installed a CCTV camera at Ms Woodage’s home, which overlooks Darlow’s back garden, which captured the incident. Darlow, 53, a married stepdad-of-two, was at his home in Churchwood Walk in Calcot on November 7, when he was charged with indecent exposure with intent to cause alarm or distress.

Giving evidence at Reading Crown Court yesterday, Ms Woodage said: “I would see him two or three times a month, naked, mowing the lawn or cleaning the window, always naked apart from a pair of boots. I saw him twice pleasuring himself, it made me feel sick, he has put me off men. Put it this way – it has put me off my sausages for life.”

Denise+Woodage.jpg

But Darlow said the November incident was a one-off “moment of madness”, not realising anyone was watching him, and he was embarrassed and ashamed. Asked why he did it, he told the court: “It was lax judgement.”

Mrs Woodage said: “I am now on anti-depressants and also sleeping tablets – this has really affected me. There are not many houses in this street and [there are] a lot of children. I would’ve hated for them to see Darlow flashing. I didn’t even know his name when I first saw him but I was horrified. I couldn’t believe it. He looks younger than he is and he was well-endowed and really hairy.”

Darlow was also given a Sexual Offences Prohibition Order which will run indefinitely and prohibits him from exposing his genitals in front of members of the public. And he was ordered to sign the Sexual Offenders’ Register for seven years.

A dog in Australia has been booked for illegal parking. The blue heeler was tied to a fence outside Rapid Creek Market when it was approached by two Darwin City Council traffic wardens.

One of the inspectors wrote out a ticket – and taped it to the dog's lead. Witness Ray McEvoy said he couldn't believe his eyes.

"I watched an elderly lady and her very faithful blue heeler roll up at the market," he said. "The lady tied the dog to the fence and gave him a bowl full of water.

"And off she went into the markets. Then two traffic inspectors came along. They had a bit of a talk and, to my amazement, wrote out a warning infringement notice for the dog and taped it to his lead rope."

Mr McEvoy said the dog was tied to a fence well away from the foodstalls. "It was on a path rarely used," he said. "And the owner made sure the dog was in the shade. It wasn't in distress at all. In fact, it was the most placid blue heeler I've seen in my life."

The dog owner was last seen marching off in pursuit of the parking inspectors. Council spokesman Grant Fenton said a dog was considered to be "at large" if the owner was not there. "You can't tie up a dog and leave it," he said.

The Daily Express had a prime example over the weekend of what can happen when you fiddle around with a headline.

Express.jpg

The first edition of Saturday's paper carried the headline "Can Dec finally match Ant?" on a two-page feature about the ITV presenters, with the word "finally" cut between two pages. Apparently, there were too many headlines with "finally" in, so it was changed to "Can Dec at last match Ant?"

But along the way, someone forgot to change both sides of the spread, leaving the "a" of "at" on one page and "nally" of "finally" on the other, creating the memorable headline "Can Dec anally match Ant?" in some later editions.

DailyExpress.jpg

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Guest Mr. Razzcocks

Re: Tom's Comedy Corner [All Things Comedy]

An Italian tourist is facing up to 15 years in a Brazilian prison for kissing his eight-year-old daughter on a public beach.

The businessman, 48, who has not been named, was arrested following a complaint from an elderly Brazilian couple who thought he was overly affectionate towards his daughter.

Despite protests from the girl that her father had done nothing wrong, the man is being kept in custody.

The man's Brazilian wife, who was with them on the Fortaleza beach at the time, also denies any wrongdoing on the part of her husband and said she is astounded at the way he has been treated.

The businessman from Guidonia, near Rome, is facing charges under Brazil's tough new anti-paedophilia laws passed last month in an attempt to prevent the exploitation of children. The child molestation charges carry a sentence of between eight and 15 years.

A lawyer for the Italian consulate says the arrest is a case of overzealousness on the part of the Brazilian couple and the local police responsible for tackling child prostitution.

A 67-year-old Randolph man is accused of using a BB gun to kill the family pet of 20 years — an African grey parrot named "Mikey" — because the creature annoyed him while he watched a NASCAR race. The township's animal control officer has charged Dennis Zeglin with several counts of animal cruelty related to the alleged, June 7 shooting of Mikey around 4:30 p.m.

Zeglin's wife summoned police to the house, and they were met outside by Zeglin's adult son, who told them he covered the bird with a sheet and took it outside where he intended to bury it. The bird, instead, was autopsied by a veterinarian.

Zeglin's wife told police she was in an upstairs room of the home when she heard three shots. She stated she went downstairs and saw the dead parrot and her husband in his living room chair, police reports said. The wife said she called her husband "a crazy S.O.B.," but told police no argument or confrontation had occurred in the household before the BB gun was fired.

The alleged shooter was sitting in a chair in his living room when police walked in, and reached behind the chair to hand them a Daisy Powerline Model 93, CO2-powered BB gun he later admitted to using to kill Mikey, according to a police report.

Zeglin told a township animal control officer, Norma Jacobs, that he shot Mikey in its cage because the bird irritated him while he was watching television, reports said. Authorities advised the father and his son that if another family pet — a Labrador Retriever — annoys anybody they should call police or the animal control office, reports said.

Defense attorney Stephen Fletcher said his client was watching a NASCAR race at the time — the NASCAR Sprint Series Pocono 500 took place on that date — and was intoxicated. Since the animal cruelty charges were filed, Zeglin has undergone counselling to address alcoholism, Fletcher said. "The parrot was probably doing what parrots do — squawking and making a ruckus. But this was probably less about what the parrot was doing than Mr. Zeglin's alcohol problem," Fletcher said.

Smoka was given the perfect name, but not because of her colour.

The 1-year-old cat survived a fire that destroyed a Franklin florist shop, falling two stories, thousands of gallons of water used to fight the fire, and being buried under stacks of charred wood for 26 days.

cat.jpg

“It restores my faith in God,” Norma Witte, who works for Miamisburg’s Stark Wrecking Co., said Friday, Sept. 4.

“That cat,” said Dennie Fitzgerald, owner of Fitzgerald Flowers and Gifts, at 410 S. Main St. in Franklin, “is a miracle cat.”

A UK survey has revealed that myths about contraception may be widespread. One in five women said they had heard of kitchen items, including bread, cling film and even chicken skin, being used as alternative barrier methods.

Others had heard food items such as kebabs, Coca-cola or crisps could be used as oral contraceptives.

The survey questioned 1,000 women aged 18 to 50 and was carried out by market research company Opinion Health, sponsored by Bayer Schering Pharma.

Contraceptive myths have been around for thousands of years. Ancient methods have varied from crocodile dung and honey before sex, to sea sponges and beeswax after. Perhaps the most intoxicating was alcohol made from stewed beaver's testicles.

However, it seems that a variety of unsafe and unproven methods might still exist in modern Britain. Dr Annie Evans, Women's Health Specialist at the Bristol Sexual Health Centre, said: "It is not surprising, given that Britain continues to have the highest unintended pregnancy rate in Europe."

Other myths surround the use of oral contraceptive pills. One in 10 of the women questioned believed that it always takes a number of years to regain fertility after discontinuation of the pill. Others believed that the pill could protect them against HIV. Professor Steve Field, Chairman of the Royal of General Practitioners, commented: "This is alarming but not surprising."

A pub landlord was tied up by two robbers wearing fancy dress masks in Manchester city centre, police said.

The men, wearing a gorilla mask and a clown mask, threatened and demanded cash from the victim at the Shakespeare pub on Fountain Street late on Monday.

The robbers tied together the landlord's hands and feet, tied his feet to a sink in the kitchen and left. Police are also trying to trace a black cab driver who dropped the robbers off at the pub.

gorilla+and+clown.jpg

The first robber was described as about 5ft 10in (1.78m) tall and was wearing a gorilla mask and a black paper suit.

The second man was described as 6ft (1.83m) tall and was wearing a clown mask that had red hair attached and a white paper suit.

Both men spoke with Irish accents and made off with a large amount of cash.

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Guest Mr. Razzcocks

Re: Tom's Comedy Corner [All Things Comedy]

These two below are probably the two Ronnie's finest - the wordplay in them is immense :D

4SRjqJTD_fs

Cz2-ukrd2VQ

I didn't know anyone' date=' below the age of 50, (apart from me :P) who actually knew and liked the two Ronnies. :D In their time, they were absolutely fantastic, and I don't think [i']anyone[/i] is as good as those two.

Favourite sketches:

Very funny. :D

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Guest Mr. Razzcocks

Re: Tom's Comedy Corner [All Things Comedy]

A Somerset cheese firm is to insure its Master Cheese Grader's nose for £5m.

Nigel Pooley, 63, has been grading cheese for the commercial market for the last 12 years.

His employers, Wyke Farms, have now approached Lloyds of London to insure Mr Pooley's sense of smell, at a cost of £25,000 per year.

cheese+sniffer.jpg

A Lloyds spokesman said: "Mr Pooley breaks new ground as our first cheese nose."

The £5m payout tag is calculated from the time it would take to replace Mr Pooley - five weeks - multiplied by the firm's weekly turnover of £1m.

Mr Pooley said: "Over the years, I discovered that I have a good palate and a knack for selecting good commercial cheese. It's something that I enjoy doing."

An Australian mum is furious after a pizza delivery man allegedly grabbed her four-year-old son and tried to hold him as "ransom" for payment. Cindy Paardekooper, 30, of Darwin, claims the driver from Pizza King at the Hibiscus Shopping Centre was an hour late delivering her half-Hawaiian, half-supreme.

When she refused to pay, the driver allegedly grabbed her four-year-old son Cain who was standing on the other side of the fence. ''He grabbed my son, four years old, by the arm through the fence as ransom for the pizza,'' Ms Paardekooper claimed. ''Grabbing a child, that's child abuse, that's assault.''

cindypaardekooper.jpg

Ms Paardekooper was upstairs on the phone to Pizza King trying to negotiate a discount for the late pizza while her sister Lisa dealt with the driver at the gate. Upset at the pizza being so late, she had called the shop before the driver arrived and said she would not pay. She said she was told the driver would be informed.

Lisa Paardekooper claims the driver held Cain for 40 seconds, demanding cash. ''He said give me the pizza back or the money,'' she said. ''He stuck his hand through the gate and grabbed Cain around the wrist. I raised my fist to him ... when I raised my hand he let go of him.'' Cindy said that was no way to treat a child. ''If I was down there I would have jumped the fence and flogged him,'' she said.

Tourists face being banned from Australia's Ayers Rock because they are relieving themselves on the iconic Aboriginal desert site.

Tour operator Andrew Simpson said visitors were often caught short on the long climb up the red monolith, which holds deep religious significance for Australia's Aboriginal community.

"When people climb up the top of the rock there's no toilet facilities up there," he said. "Most of them have a toilet roll tucked away. They're *****ing on a sacred site," he added.

Ayers-Rock.jpg

His claims were submitted to a draft management plan which includes a proposed climbing ban.

Simpson's Anangu Waai company operates driving tours around the rock, located in the centre of the country and known by the Aboriginals as Uluru.

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd said it would be "very sad" if tourists were kept off the rock, which was handed back to Aboriginals in 1985 and attracts around 350,000 visitors a year.

The traditional suet pudding Spotted **** has been renamed "Spotted Richard" at a council canteen - because customers keep making jokes. The new name for the dessert, with another alternative Sultana Sponge, has appeared on the menu at Flintshire Council headquarters in Mold.

The council said catering staff made the decision after "immature comments" and it was not a policy decision. But one councillor described the move as "political correctness gone mad".

Spotted **** is a steamed suet pudding containing dried fruit, and is thought to have originated in the middle of the 19th Century. The "spotted" part of the name refers to the currants, which resemble spots, and "****" is believed to derive from the word dough.

spotted_orange-peel_****.jpg

The council spokesman said: "The correct title for this dish is 'Spotted ****.' However because of several immature comments from a few customers, catering staff renamed the dish 'Spotted Richard' or 'Sultana Sponge'.

"This was not a policy decision, canteen staff simply acted as they thought best to put an end to unwelcome and childish comments, albeit from a very small number of customers."

But Flintshire Councillor Klaus Armstrong-Braun criticised the ban on the original pudding name. He said he had made an official complaint about the name change which he called "ludicrous" and said had cost money because a new label was needed for the food.

And finally. . .

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Re: Tom's Comedy Corner [All Things Comedy]

I didn't know anyone' date=' below the age of 50, (apart from me :P) who actually knew and liked the two Ronnies. :D In their time, they were absolutely fantastic, and I don't think [i']anyone[/i] is as good as those two.

Favourite sketches:

Very funny. :D

tbh mate, I don't think I would have known anything about them, had my dad not been part of that generation who watched the likes of those two amongst others.

In that sense I owe him big time, as I got many a lesson in "classic" comedy - the golden years (in UK terms).

I also got to see things like Tommy Cooper, Jimmy Tarbuck, Bernard Manning etc etc, as well as the sitcoms of that era - too many to mention!!

This is one of the only things that makes me wish I was older than I am, to have been around for all this stuff.

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Re: Tom's Comedy Corner [All Things Comedy]

I'm a big fan of Charlie Brooker & especially his Screenwipe series. I'm certain this will appeal to other forumers with the same harsh sense of my humour as my own. So many clips i'd like to post but i've cut it down to just three.

Enjoy!

BgDoPvr3VT4

mblY5RAxzTM

Just love his description of Simon Jordan

YC-fNJKKXkU

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Re: Tom's Comedy Corner [All Things Comedy]

I'm a big fan of Charlie Brooker & especially his Screenwipe series. I'm certain this will appeal to other forumers with the same harsh sense of my humour as my own. So many clips i'd like to post but i've cut it down to just three.

Enjoy!

BgDoPvr3VT4

mblY5RAxzTM

Just love his description of Simon Jordan

YC-fNJKKXkU

Looooooooooove 'Screenwipe'' date=' 'Newswipe' and Brooker in general :)

I love his descriptions of himself as "a bloated Laurence Fishburne look alike" and "a paedophile walrus" :D

Full episodes (perhaps all of 'em) of 'Screenwipe' and 'Newswipe' are on YouTube. Highly recommended. He also wrote the excellent 'Dead Set', the zombie Big Brother fusion that was on E4 and Channel 4 earlier this year.

I don't know if this has been mentioned on this thread before but this is one of my favorite web series, starring this guy:

[center']zach1.jpg

http://www.funnyordie.com/between_two_ferns[/center]

All of 'em are brilliant except the newest one with Charlize Theron.

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