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Chuck Norris Facts

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Re: Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

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Re: Chuck Norris Facts

Few SM ones:

The SM devs created SoccerManager, but Chuck Norris created the SM devs.

You dont set your tactics, you set your Chuck Norrises.

You dont select a club on SM, Chuck Norris selects you.

Chuck Norris doesnt log on in 30 days, the club logs into him.

Chuck Norris owns all the players on SM he just loans them to other clubs.

A victory is most commonly known as a Chuck Norris.

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Re: Chuck Norris Facts

my favs

  • Chuck Norris does not have chest hair, he has millions of highly venomous nematocysts. You have virtually no chance of surviving the venomous sting, unless treated immediately. The pain is so excruciating and overwhelming that you would most likely go into shock and collapse a split second before getting hit in the face with a roundhouse kick.
  • Chuck Norris uses red hot lava to moisturize his skin
  • Chuck Norris beat the Sun in a staring contest.
  • Chuck Norris is capable of photosynthesis
  • Einstein's original Theory of Relativity was; if Chuck Norris kicks you, your relatives will feel it.
  • Chuck Norris' smile once brought a puppy back to life
  • The agent of Chuck Norris asked Chuck if he wanted to be in Brokeback Mountain. Chuck Norris' agent has been missing for almost 2 years now. Never ask Chuck Norris to be in a *** cowboy movie.
  • When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.
  • Chuck Norris’ IQ can be expressed simply as a sideways eight

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Re: Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Some kids Pis* their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pis* his name into concrete.

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

In 1991, Chuck Norris shot a 14 on an 18 hole golf course, falling short of his personal best by 2 strokes.

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Guest Mr. Razzcocks

Re: Chuck Norris Facts

ChuckNorris.jpg

google-chuck-norris.gif

chuck-norris-split-rock.jpg

Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.

The agent of Chuck Norris asked Chuck if he wanted to be in Brokeback Mountain. Chuck Norris' agent has been missing for almost 2 years now. Never ask Chuck Norris to be in a puffy (well, g@y was banned) cowboy movie.

Chuck Norris delivers more energy with one thrust of his pelvis than Npower and British Gas have ever created.

Chuck Norris’ IQ can be expressed simply as a sideways eight

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Re: Chuck Norris Facts

The UFC(ultimate fighing championship) doesnt use its full name which happens to be 'ultimate fighing championship non-chuck norris-division'

Chuck norris can sneeze with his eyes open

Doesnt sleep he waits

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Re: Chuck Norris Facts

Iraq did have weapons of mass destruction, Chuck Norris was on vacation there.

When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror nothing appears. There can never be a second Chuck Norris

When there's a fire, you stop, drop, and roll. When there's a Chuck Norris, you stop, drop, and die

We don't know if Chuck Norris enjoys a good fight. He's never had one

Chuck Norris Buillt Mount Everest with a bucket and spade

Chuck Norris CAN lick his elbow

P is for Chuck Norris, as is every other letter of the alphabet

Chuck Norris has never had a surprise birthday party. He can NEVER be surprised. EVER

Chuck Norris does not love Raymond

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling bin

Chuck Norris died 10 years ago but the grim reaper can't pluck up the courage to tell him

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

Chuck Norris sleeps wih a pillow under his uzi

Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

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Re: Chuck Norris Facts

The only thing Chuck Norris fears is Chuck Norris.

There was no Adam and Eve.. there was Chuck and Norris.

Space is expanding in its worthless attempt to escape Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn’t have a shadow, light avoids him at all costs.

Camels have a hump because Chuck Norris needed a place to store his kills.

Chuck Norris can f#%k himself.

When Chuck Norris dies , it will be because there’s no one left to kill.

Chuck Norris once fárted, this resulted in the big bang theory.

By the time you finish reading this sentence, Chuck Norris will have killed 74 more people.

It is 97% likely that Chuck Norris is your real father.

Video didn’t kill the radio star, Chuck Norris did…

On the 6th day God created Chuck Norris. On the 7th day God did not rest, he was knocked unconscious by way of roundhouse kick for not creating Chuck Norris on the first day.

Chuck Norris once fought the Internet. The result is lag.

The sun rises in the east because Chuck Norris sleeps facing west.

Chuck Norris didn’t appreciate the title of the book “Excel for dummies” when he ordered it from Amazon. Nevertheless, Norris found it was the most straightforward guide to learning this spreadsheet tool that he was using to collate a list of all the women he has slept with. Norris got up to 9th grade before he realised that Excel is limited to 65,536 rows.

I fought with Chuck Norris in 2030. I woke up in 2009 with a cowboy boot stuck in my áss.

Round house kicks are what make the world go round.

King Kong climed the Empire State Building to hide from Chuck Norris.

The bottom of Chuck Norris’ boots say: “If you can read this, you’ve just been Round-House Kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.”

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Re: Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris CAN lick his elbow

I can't... :o

Chuck Norris was the one who took a bite out of the Apple logo. Not because he was hungry, but because he hates Macs.

Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.

Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.

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Re: Chuck Norris Facts

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

Chuck Norris shed's his skin twice a year.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard

Chuck Norris did not go to school....school went to him.

Mr T. stole the catch frase " I pity the fool" from Chuck Norris. This is what Chuck would always say to him.

The letters C , H , U , K , N , O , R, I , S were only added to the alphabet when Chuck Norris was born.

I apologize for my last fact..I was wrong. Chuck Norris was not born..he made himself out of Lego.

Chuck Norris has no nationality except from ChuckNorrisian.

Italics are ones I thought of myself

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Re: Chuck Norris Facts

182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.

The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

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