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Re: Jokes The alternative nursery rhymes Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall The structure of the wall was incorrect So he won a grand with Claims Direct. ------

Re: Jokes Here's another:D Oh yeah' date=' not suitable for anyone under the age of 16. Reader discretion is advised:rolleyes:[/b'] There were two twins, Tom and Harry. Tom was the owner of an

Re: Jokes Typical British council Home We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs. Her car isn't taxed or insured,

Re: Jokes

Typical British council Home

We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by

a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs. Her car isn't taxed or

insured,

and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.

Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist

comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and

his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone

once thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in

nightclubs.

The family's odd antics are always in the papers. They are out of

control...

Honestly - who'd want to live near Windsor Castle?

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Re: Jokes

I thought as Christmas is coming up:

Many have asked, “What is the reason for the angel on top of the Christmas tree?”

Once upon a time Santa was rushed to get ready for Christmas. He had told Mrs. Claus to wake him at 5 a.m. and to have his breakfast ready with a lunch to bring along. He also told the elves to have all the Christmas presents packed in the sleigh and the reindeer harnessed by 5:30.

At 5:30 the following morning Santa Claus awoke and jumped out of bed furious with Mrs. Claus for NOT wakeing him up on time! Santa’s mood only got worse when he realized Mrs. Claus had NOT fixed breakfast or lunch!! Santa then ran out to his sleigh only to see that the elves had NO presents packed and the reindeer were running wild in the pasture!!!

About this time a little angel walked by dragging a large Christmas tree. Santa tried to ignore since he wasn’t his jolly old self.

But, the angel spoke up and said, "Santa what should I do with this Christmas tree?"

And that is the reason for the angel on top of the Christmas tree.

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Re: Jokes

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He notices the man sitting next to him is looking into a box. After a while, his curiosity gets the best of him, so he leans over and looks into the box. Inside is a miniature man playing a miniature piano. "... that's amazing, where did you get it?", he asked. His barmate answers, "This is my wish. There's a genie out back in the alley and he is granting wishes."

The guy finds this hard to believe, so he walks out back to the alley, and to his surprise, there is a genie. The genie asks him what he would like to have for a wish, and the guy answers, "I would like to have a million bucks!" Then suddenly, there are a million ducks flying around his head, quacking and flapping their wings.

He goes back into the bar and says to the barmate, "That's a poor excuse of a genie! I asked for a million bucks and he gave me a million DUCKS!" His barmate turns away from the box he's looking into and replies, "I guess you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

(i love this joke. one of my favs):D

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Re: Jokes

1.What happens if you apply rust remover to a Skoda ?

It dissappears!

2.How do you overtake a Skoda ?

Run !

3.What happened after the Skoda hit a cat ?

The cats doing fine - the Skoda died !

4.I was stopped for speeding in a Skoda,

but I was let off due to the Copper(police officer) laughing too much.

5.Why do skodas have a rear wash wipe ?

........To remove the flies that crash into them.

6.There is a big competition at my local pub the first prize is a scoda,

........the second prize is two skodas !

7.What do you call a skoda with twin exhausts ????

A wheelbarrow.

8.You don't have to think up any Skoda Jokes,

.........the Skoda is a Joke !

9.Whats the difference between a Jehova Witness and a Skoda?

You can shut the door on a Jehova Witness!

10.What do you call a skoda with automatic windows?

A toll booth.

11.A guy goes into his local garage and asks "Do you have a windscreen wiper for my Skoda???"

"Sounds like a fair swap" replied the man in the garage.

12.How do you double the value of a skoda?

Chuck a penny into it.

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Re: Jokes

He laid her on the table,

So white, clean and bare.

His forehead wet with beads of sweat,

He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and then her breast,

And then, drooling, felt her thigh.

The slit was wet and all was set,

He gave a joyous cry.

The hole was wide...he looked inside,

All was dark and murky.

He rubbed his hands and stretched out his arms,

And then he stuffed the turkey.

May I be the first to wish you all (and your dirty minds :P ) a merry christmas!! :D

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Re: Jokes

1.What happens if you apply rust remover to a Skoda ?

It dissappears!

2.How do you overtake a Skoda ?

Run !

3.What happened after the Skoda hit a cat ?

The cats doing fine - the Skoda died !

4.I was stopped for speeding in a Skoda' date='

but I was let off due to the Copper(police officer) laughing too much.

5.Why do skodas have a rear wash wipe ?

........To remove the flies that crash into them.

6.There is a big competition at my local pub the first prize is a scoda,

........the second prize is two skodas !

7.What do you call a skoda with twin exhausts ????

A wheelbarrow.

8.You don't have to think up any Skoda Jokes,

.........the Skoda is a Joke !

9.Whats the difference between a Jehova Witness and a Skoda?

You can shut the door on a Jehova Witness!

10.What do you call a skoda with automatic windows?

A toll booth.

11.A guy goes into his local garage and asks "Do you have a windscreen wiper for my Skoda???"

"Sounds like a fair swap" replied the man in the garage.

12.How do you double the value of a skoda?

Chuck a penny into it.

one you missed.....

Why do Skoda's have heated rear windows???

To keep your hands warm as your pushing it

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Re: Jokes

here is 1 but its proberly rubbish

Are you a piece of string ?

No' date=' I'm afraid not[/quote']

Worst joke ever :rolleyes: lmao

Almost as bad as this Christmas classic which featured on The Vicar Of Dibley:

Q: What do you do when you see a space man?

.....................................................

......................................................

......................................................

......................................................

A: Park in it, man. :P

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Re: Jokes

one you missed.....

Why do Skoda's have heated rear windows???

To keep your hands warm as your pushing it

lol ;)

Check these out Lads

In Roddy Boland's in Rathmines <(Place In Dublin) one night I overheard a group of Italian guys (tourists) trying to chat up two Irish girls and not getting very far.

One of the Italian's started waxing lyrical about one of the girls and her "beautiful pale skin" and said: "In my country' date=' you would be a Princess"

To which the Irish girl replied "And in my country, you'd work in a chipper, now f**k off". [/color']

On a No.13 bus in Ranelagh a harassed looking man was relating a story to a friend. "On Friday night last I came home from work and the Missus asked me to have a word with the 8 year old about his bad language. Now I was knackered from the week's work and told her I would talk to him in the morning. Next morning I came into the kitchen and there were my 2 sons the 8 year old and his 5 year old brother. I asked the 8 year old what he would like for brekkie and he put his 2 hands behind his head, threw the feet up on the table and said he would like a f**king egg. At this stage said the harassed parent I lost the head compltely and hit him a few clips on the legs, then still shaking I turned to the 5 year old and asked him what he would like for brekkie. The 5 year old clearly shaken by the previous events said in a tremulous voice......... I'm not having a f**king egg anyway.

On the way home from work on the bus. It's packed, it's hot and everyone is well and truly p***ed off (including the driver). The UCD stop comes up and the bell rings. Then the bell rings again and again and again and again. Obviously each person getting off thought they were the first to do it. Suddenly the bus driver slams on the brakes, turns on the intercom and roars at the entire bus....

"Will yis stop ringing the bleedin' bell, who the f**k do yis think I am?? I' not f***in Quasimodo!!!!!

A couple of weeks ago myself and 3 of my friends were sitting in my car, just havin a laugh, listening to music.

When out of nowhere 2 garda appeared, one at each side of the car, (obiviously they thought we were up to something).

I rolled down the driver window and the garda said;

"Howaya lads, we're the Guards"

to what I could only reply:

"Howaya Guards, we're the lads!"

My brother arrives into Dublin airport and is dying for a pee. He makes it to the Gents but there's a huge queue.He sees that the disabled toilet is free so he decides to leg it in before he wets himself. After relieving himself he's coming out the door when an auld lad still waiting in the queue for the gents sarcastically declares...

it's a f**king miracle!'.

Good 'old style' Irish humour! My brother knew he was home!

young girl (between 15-17) gets up out of her seat on a crowded bus to let an elderly lady sit down. Just as she gets up from the seat a small middle-aged man (around 5 foot) jumps into it. Despite another passenger saying he should get up and let the elderly lady sit down, the little guy won't move.

Old lady from the back of the bus leaves her seat to get off the bus and passes the young girl who got up:

"I tink your a lovely wee gurl yah"

.....and then to the small man in the seat:

"and you little fella, if ya do that again i'm gonna tell snow white on ya

Fr Ted would be so proud!!!!!!!

More of an overseen.

I was working for a main car dealer when on a fine summers day, one of the salesman had just sold this guy (who just so happened to be wearing the exact same green shirt and black slacks as his good self)a second hand Almera.

The guy was obviously excited as it was his first "new" car. The deal had been done but the car was not quite ready so the guy impatiently walked down to the car in the workshop where it was gettin a last minute check by our "top" technician, who we nicknamed "Splinter"(as he bore an uncanny resemblence to the master in the cartoon "Teenage mutant ninja turtles"). Needless to say he's a bit rough round the edges. Anyway splinter was sitting in the boot changing a bulb and didnt see the guy approach. The guy opened the door, bent over and rested his hands on the seat while he had a nose around. By now splinter got out of the boot and seen a green shirt and a pair of slacks bent over presenting an ample oppurtunity..........Obviously thinking it was the salesman, he backs up a couple of feet...........runs at the target, swings his right boot, and lodges it deep up the guy's rectum!

"Dats fo eeeeeeeatin me crunchie at lunch, ya f**kin prrrrrrrrrick!"

The guy's head hit the roof before he revealed himself to which splinter's jaw hit the floor along with everyone else who saw it!!!!

My mate's mother was walking towards a bus stop on parnell street. A bus pulled in just before she reached the stop she went up to talk to the bus driver.....

Mate's mother: "What number bus is this?"

Bus driver: "Its a 40, it says so on the front"

Mate's mother: "Yeah, but it says 40a on the side and 40c on the back?!"

Bus driver: "Well I'm not going sideways or backwards!!!"

My uncle was in town one day and there was a man and his son walking infront of him.two gardas came along on their horses and the dad says...

"take a good look at dat son coz theyre the only amimals you'll ever see wit a b*ll*x underneath them and a b*ll*x on top of them"

Like These For More Go To

http://www.overheardindublin.com/

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  • 1 month later...

Re: Jokes

COWS

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRACY: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ' cowkimon ' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don ' t know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate

A TURKISH CORPORATION: You have thousands of cows but you dont know what to do with them everbody has an idea but nothing is done, you forget them and continue fighting each other

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  • 3 weeks later...

Re: Jokes

Blonde joke alert!:D

Q: What do you call an eternity?

A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?

A: Toes Go In First.

Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFOs have in common?

A: You always hear about them but never see them.

Q: Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?

A: They think their picture is being taken.

Whaddya think?

The last one is mine so it's the best lol

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Re: Jokes

Check this one out lol

Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take

the day off and go relax."

Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know" says the boss.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.

He rushes over an asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?"

Sally breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!"

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Re: Jokes

A man was driving along a main road when he saw a police car flashing him to pull over.

Man: Hello Officer

Policeman: Nothing to worry about sir, just carrying out some spot checks

The man looked in his side mirror and replied

Man: Well, I've got two blackheads on my face and a boil on the unmentionables!

Sorry, I know its corny :o but I cracked up the first time I heard it!

PS It's just about the only clean joke I know :D

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Guest F.C. Internazionale Milano

Re: Jokes

these aint jokes they are more like insults

i have a picture of you, i think its very nice, i put it under my bed to scare away the mice.

i would hit you but sh** splatters

My darling my love, my beautiful wife. Marrying you screwed up my life

Roses r red Violets r blue God made me beautiful But what the he** did he do to you!

Last time I saw a face like yours, I fed it a banana.

You have the right to remain silent, because whatever you say will probably be stupid.

for more visit

http://www.tafreeh.net/msn/names.php

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  • 1 month later...

Re: Jokes

The alternative nursery rhymes

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

The structure of the wall was incorrect

So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

------------------------------------------------------------

It's Raining, It's Pouring.

Oh S ** t, it's Global Warming.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Jack and Jill went into town

To fetch some chips and sweeties.

He can't keep his heart rate down

And she's got diabetes.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Mary had a little skirt

With splits right up the sides

And everywhere that Mary went

The boys could see her thighs.

Mary had another skirt

'twas split right up the front

...But she didn't wear that one often.

----------------------------------------------------------

Mary had a little lamb

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her

Between two chunks of bread.

----------------------------------------------------------

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the pie man

'What have U got there?'

Said the pie man unto Simon

Pies you dickhead.

----------------------------------------------------------

Mary had a little lamb

It ran into a pylon.

10,000 volts went up its arse

And turned its wool to nylon.

----------------------------------------------------------

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

When the boys came out to play

He kissed them too cause he was gay.

----------------------------------------------------------

Jack and Jill

Went up the hill

To have a little fun.

Jill, the dill,

Forgot her pill,

And now they have a son.

----------------------------------------------------------

Jack and Jill

Went up the hill

And planned to do some kissing.

Jack made a pass

And grabbed her as*

Now two of his teeth are missing.

----------------------------------------------------------

Mary had a little lamb

Its fleece was white and wispy.

Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease

And now it's black and crispy.

Dont you just love 'em??? icon_wink.gif

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Re: Jokes

A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his

doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an

advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed like

heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do.

He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight

loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers,

there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe

dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her

neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss

company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well,

without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't).

A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has

his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last

time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company

does business.

For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing

happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure

enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat

more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he

calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight

loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems

like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might

be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he

answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but

a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply

stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces

herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign

reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He's out the door like a

shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch

her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is

wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to

the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up

and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the

sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20

pounds. I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew

losing weight could be so easy and so much fun.

Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and

subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are

you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most

rigorous program. Absolutely, he says, I love your program. haven't

felt this good in years! The next day there comes a knock at his

door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200

pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes

and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative

of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you.

LOL:p

I know its long, but its well worth a read:D

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  • 2 weeks later...

Re: Jokes

One day, in line at the cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

'Listen mate don't waste your time down at the surgery' Mike replies,'there's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never

get better....thank you for shopping at Tesco

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