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My Time In EC 106 - A Collection Of Match Reports, Articles & Good Ol' Gossip


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This thread is for the sole purpose of charting my time in one of the most competitive setups in SM, EC 106. I got in by taking over at QPR in Division 3 at the end of Season 9, and am looking forward to making some of the heavyweights bleed. ;)

I have no idea how long I'll be in this setup or on SM, for that matter. But I figured this would be something nice for me to look back at, eventually, and judging by some of the responses I've been getting, readers might enjoy it too. :)

Anyway, without further ado, here we go...

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Re: My Time In EC 106 - A Collection Of Match Reports, Articles & Good Ol' Gossip

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Velarone Takes Over As QPR Boss

Enigmatic Italian Alessandro Velarone has been named as the new manager of struggling 3rd Division side Queens Park Rangers. The 40-year-old has been entrusted with the task of rebuilding a faltering side and leading it to heady heights by co-owner Bernie Ecclestone.

Velarone's appointment has come as a surprise to many, given his relative lack of experience in club management, and his family's supposed ties with the Cosa Nostra has led to rumour-mongering that the former Palermo assistant manager only got the QPR job after making Ecclestone "an offer he couldn't refuse".

In a related development, the grapevine has it that the Cosa Nostra have already sent a hitman to execute the contract set out by Tranmere Rovers on Plymouth boss GozGozzy and his ex-player Giampaolo Pazzini.

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Re: My Time In EC 106 - A Collection Of Match Reports, Articles & Good Ol' Gossip

THE TATTLETALE

SM's No: 1 Tabloid

Empty Coffers Leave Velarone Fuming; GozGozzy Given Armed Protection

New QPR manager Alessandro Velarone was left seething with fury after the Board revealed its helplessness in providing significant transfer funds. Co-owners Flavio Briatore and Bernie Ecclestone blamed "excessive spending" by the Italian's predecessor Dai Winston for taking the club to near-bankruptcy, although The Tattletale speculates that the siphoning of money for covering expenses related to the numerous orgies organized by their friend Max Mosley may have had a lot more to do with it.

Velarone must now find another way of arranging money for transfers as well as other day-to-day expenses such as 'tributes' to referees and key opposition players.

Meanwhile, it is understood that Plymouth have provided round-the-clock security for their manager GozGozzy in the wake of reports that a Mafia hitman had arrived to take him down and claim the 100,000-GBP bounty set on his head by Tranmere Rovers. Armed guards have been deployed around the Indonesian's stately home, all of them dressed to resemble Indian actors of the 1970s in an effort to remain undercover.

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Re: My Time In EC 106 - A Collection Of Match Reports, Articles & Good Ol' Gossip

Weidenfeller Completes QPR Switch

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German goalkeeper Roman Weidenfeller has joined Division 3 strugglers Queens Park Rangers from Borussia Dortmund. The 29-year-old shot-stopper, known for his agility and reflexes, arrived in a cash-plus-player deal that saw veteran QPR 'keeper Dimitar Ivankov move in the opposite direction.

Weidenfeller has penned a 2-year deal with the English side, and will be expected to play a major role in QPR's quest for survival in the league this season.

Meanwhile, the club have also confirmed the signing of Brazilian midfielder Willians Domingos from French side CS Sedan. Willians, a 23-year-old central midfielder, has prior experience of playing in England, having previously turned out for Huddersfield Town.

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Re: My Time In EC 106 - A Collection Of Match Reports, Articles & Good Ol' Gossip

Of Mobsters, Management & Orgies - A Midweekly Round-Up

That football is a mad, mad business is an all-too-familiar maxim; yet, fans would be hard-pressed to name anything quite as crazy as the events that unfolded at QPR last week. Following the resignation of under-fire manager Dai Winston, the club was supposedly held hostage by a so-called Italian coach named Alessandro Velarone who threatened to publish certain photographs of the co-owners Bernie Ecclestone & Flavio Briatore, showing them in compromising positions. The twosome decided to calm the storm by installing the blackmailer at the helm of the club, despite his dosa-thin CV that cited merely a short stint as assistant manager at Palermo as prior managerial experience.

And just who is Velarone? Primarily a businessman with Mafia connections, who is also rumoured to have ties with Mumbai mobster Subhash Nagre, among others, and has been romantically linked with Keira Knightley, Anne Hathaway & Indian actress Deepika Padukone in the past. The times certainly are a-changin' at QPR...

As for the nameless Mafia hitman who had arrived in England to claim the bounty on Plymouth manager GozGozzy, SM's No: 1 tabloid The Tattletale has learnt that he was present at the infamous orgy hosted by disgraced ex-England boss Elliott Sutcliffe. Rumour has it that the God-fearing Sicilian was shocked beyond belief at witnessing certain acts which he described as "terminally depraved", and had to depart immediately, fearing for his sanity.

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Re: My Time In EC 106 - A Collection Of Match Reports, Articles & Good Ol' Gossip

Paris Hilton's New Movie, Nameless Hitman's Loss Of Faith... and oh, a Port Vale-QPR Match Preview

The new season of EC 106 kicks off later tonight with the promise of lots of action, drama, laughter, tears, and loads of goals. I could write about a lot of the teams in the various divisions, but considering the pittance the stingy owner of this newspaper pays me, I won't bother.

Therefore, I will concentrate on QPR's trip to Port Vale, which is sure to be a feisty encounter. The two teams have already locked horns over player transfers, with the Lucas Barrios deal still fresh in mind. The Argentine was the subject of intense bidding by both clubs, but it was QPR's determination, desire (and some palm-greasing of the right persons) that saw them succeed in getting his signature. With a rivalry already blooming between the sides, tonight's clash has the potential to be a humdinger.

Port Vale's strong midfield will be their key to winning in front of their fans tonight, while QPR's hopes rest on captain and top striker Mladen Petric. The Croatian, who turned 29 the day before, will be hoping to celebrate it belatedly with a goal or more and 3 points for his team.

That's enough talking, I'd say. Let the games begin.

* * * * * * *

Some red-hot gossip now : Paris Hilton has announced the release of the sequel to her most successful film to date, "1 Night In Paris". Titled "Inside Paris' Alleyways", it is described as a deeper and more penetrative look at the bylanes and alleys which Paris is famous for. The movie features her latest boy toy, Rochdale manager Elliott Sutcliffe, along with a pair of handcuffs, a whip, an empty bottle of champagne and a tub of Vaseline, and can be ordered online through Rochdale AFC's official website, as part of their New Year's gift set.

Moving on to our favourite nameless Mafia hitman, it seems his faith in God and religion has been severely eroded following a distasteful incident during confession. Seeking absolution & peace after his disturbing experiences in the infamous orgy hosted by the notorious Mr. Sutcliffe, he proceeded to confide in a priest, who encouraged him to tell the whole truth in an attempt to find it cathartic. While describing the depraved scenes he'd witnessed, however, the poor man suffered further mental trauma when he discovered that the Father was increasingly getting excited and stroking his, uh, anatomical crucifix. Dear Lord.

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Re: My Time In EC 106 - A Collection Of Match Reports, Articles & Good Ol' Gossip

QPR's squad list for the new season :

1 Weidenfeller

2 Ferronetti

3 Trujillo

4 Willians

5 Diawara

6 Caldwell

7 Reid

8 Covalciuc

9 Lucas

10 Petric ©

11 Fabio Coentrao

12 Roselli

13 Valverde

14 Jean

15 Ademi

16 Rodolfo

17 Berget

18 Berola

19 Bilbija

20 Gill

21 Bezus

22 Oriol

23 S. Kesimal

24 Orellana

25 Drocco

Players on loan are denoted in dark orchid.

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Re: My Time In EC 106 - A Collection Of Match Reports, Articles & Good Ol' Gossip

Port Vale v QPR - LiveText

Vanakkam. Welcome to our LiveText service for the Port Vale-QPR match. My name is Brother Babu and I'll be providing you with regular updates as the game progresses. This should be a very competitive affair with lots of goals, hopefully.

Team news :

Port Vale (4-2-3-1) : Eduardo; Hengbart, Shawcross, Navarro, Peixoto; Pedretti, Mendes da Silva; Belluschi, Cossu, Biondini; Erding.

QPR (4-5-1) : Weidenfeller; Ferronetti, Diawara, Rodolfo, Trujillo; Jean, Willians, Ademi, Covalciuc, Reid; Petric.

0 : And here we go!

5 mins : The home side have had more of the ball, but haven't been able to make much of it. Meanwhile, I'm having filter coffee.

7 mins : QPR almost score on a counter-attack through Petric, but his shot grazes the crossbar. I'm still having my kaapi.

15 mins : QPR get another chance, but Reid drives straight into the 'keeper's arms. Moron. Amazing how quickly the kaapi gets cold over here. The tea-shop owners must surely be having it tough in this country.

27 mins : And Port Vale have scored. Shambho Mahadeva! Unfortunately, I couldn't see the goal as my view was blocked by one of the biggest pair of 'melons' I've ever seen. At least my editor will be reassured that my eyes were on the ball(s).

32 mins : QPR waste another chance. Some kid nearby screams abuse.

I scratch my nose.

36 mins : Lovely weather tonight. I can see the stars twinkling far, far away. Isn't it beautiful? Meanwhile, I hear cheering all around. Maybe someone's scored?

45 mins : Half-time. The scoreboard tells me that Port Vale lead 2-0. I need to pee.

54 mins : Missed two more goals due to being stuck in a queue at the Ayyappa-forsaken loo. Why can't people just relieve themselves in the bushes? It provides fertilizers for plant growth, too. It's now 3-1.

65 mins : And I finally get to see a goal as Bendtner scores. Easy as chopping off a coconut's top. 4-1 Port Vale now.

70 mins : Barrios is through, but Eduardo saves brilliantly! Coconut water is such a refreshing drink. Men, women, kids all enjoy its taste and are always left wanting more.

73 mins : I just learnt that the water inside the coconut is actually its jizz. Ente Bhagavathiye!

76 mins : Fans applauding something, but who cares when there are more important issues at hand? The thought of coconut water now leaves a sour taste in the mouth.

79 mins : I must find water and mouthwash. Wish this darned game would end soon.

82 mins : No water here? Now this is the coir that breaks the donkey's back. Go find some other bloody site for further updates, you thendikale.

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Re: My Time In EC 106 - A Collection Of Match Reports, Articles & Good Ol' Gossip

Jet-Setting Velarone Leaves Team in the Lurch as QPR Face Fitzy's Motley Crewe

QPR manager Alessandro Velarone's caprices over the last few days have cast a shadow over preparations for the season's first home game against Crewe Alexandra. The Italian has been missing since the 1-4 defeat at Port Vale on the opening day of the season, with sources revealing he had flown to Dubai on his Learjet, leaving his consigliere Tony D'Amato in charge of the team's training and daily activities.

Where the accounts diverge is in relation to what he was there for : while some say he was holding talks with Mumbai mafioso Subhash Nagre (a.k.a. Sarkar) with a view to obtaining additional investment in the club, others point their fingers at the shooting of the Indian film 'Musafir' in the city and, in particular, the presence of its female lead, played by the stunning Mamta Mohandas, whom Velarone is said to be in a relationship with :

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In any case, the 40-year-old coach is expected to return in time for the match against a well-managed Crewe side that will prove to be a tough nut to crack for the home side. Sean Fitzpatrick's team is known for its brand of attacking football, and the visitors will be looking to leave Loftus Road with nothing less than 3 points in their kitty.

Having lost their opening game with a scoreline that hinted at a comprehensive defeat but was grossly misleading, QPR are under immense pressure to find their groove as early as possible, and a home win against opponents as superior as the Railwaymen will go a long way towards soothing the early-season nerves of the fans.

The Hoops will be without central defender Souleymane Diawara, who is suspended following his sending-off in the previous game, while Fitzpatrick has a full complement of players to choose from. QPR can also count themselves lucky that Crewe's new cheerleader, American actress Hayden Panettiere, won't be travelling with the team; at least Velarone can rest easier in the knowledge that Petric & co. will not be putting their balls in the wrong goal. - Niccolo de Santi/THE TATTLETALE

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Re: My Time In EC 106 - A Collection Of Match Reports, Articles & Good Ol' Gossip

Five Questions For Mister Velarone

The QPR boss speaks his mind on topics as diverse as his vision for the club and matters of the heart, in a quick chat with THE TATTLETALE.

  • On his plans for the club...

    Well, I've been mandated to help the team secure their Division 3 status this season. The owners certainly do not have any delusions of grandeur at the moment, given the less-than-healthy financial state we're in. I am, however, actively involved in scouting various players in different leagues, and have drawn up a shortlist of targets. Hopefully, you will see them arrive at Loftus Road in the next few days.

  • On the competitiveness of the league...

    There's no denying that Division 3 is the toughest of the lot; there are some excellent managers in the league, and to use a cliche, it's a dog-eat-dog world out there. (smiles) Let's see how we fare against the creme de la creme.

  • On life in England...

    I've been here on many occasions for business deals, so I'm familiar with the culture, the people and the food. It's a nice country, although whether I would want to settle down here is a million-pound question in itself.

  • On financing and his links with mobster Subhash Nagre...

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    Mumbai's most powerful don, Subhash Nagre
    Sarkar (Mr. Nagre) is a politician and a power-broker, not a mobster; but of course, that's not juicy enough for the media, is it? (snorts) Yes, I have had meetings with him in order to try and convince him to invest in the club, but at the moment, it's premature to say whether he'd be willing to accept.

  • On his alleged relationship with Indian actress Mamta Mohandas, and her new-found friendship with notorious party-girl Paris Hilton...
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    Alessandro Velarone & Mamta Mohandas snapped in Dubai two days ago

    I will not deny that she is someone very special in my life, and that I am lucky to be with her. We were introduced to each other by a mutual friend on the sets of a movie she's in ('Musafir') while shooting in Nicosia; I'd been there trying to seal a deal. We struck up a friendship immediately, and things took off from then on.
    And as far as her friendship with Ms. Hilton goes, Mams is sensible enough to know better than to imitate her wild-child antics; in fact, who knows, Paris may sober down and gain a modicum of maturity through her influence! (grins)

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Re: My Time In EC 106 - A Collection Of Match Reports, Articles & Good Ol' Gossip

DELAY IN REF'S BRIBE PAYMENT; SUPER HOOPS GET SCREWED

Two-goal hero Craig Bellamy's strike 3 minutes from time enabled Crewe Alexandra to sucker-punch QPR as the Hoops surrendered a 2-0 lead to go down 2-3 in a thriller at Loftus Road; however, the secret talking point was the lack of sympathy from the referee towards the home side, following their failure to pay him a 'tribute' within the specified time-frame.

Mladen Petric's 9th-minute strike, combined with Lucas Barrios' first goal for the club, had pegged back Crewe 2-0 a mere 28 minutes into the game, but the resurgent Railwaymen turned on the style in the second half to draw level through Bellamy (52') & Legrottaglie (68'), before Bellamy's second settled the issue late in the game. Yet, the hosts will be privately complaining about not receiving favourable treatment from the match official, after the soldato designated to pay him the bribe failed to turn up in time following heavy snowfall, which had rendered driving hazardous.

Consequently, appeals for favourable decisions by the Rangers were repeatedly turned down, including the ones which in other matches would've been awarded without a moment's thought by Hoop-friendly referees, as is normal. For instance, Bellamy was adjudged to be on-side when he scored the winner, despite being level with his marker, and Legrottaglie's headed goal was allowed to stand in spite of two QPR defenders falling to the floor a couple of yards away from him as though pushed by the Italian. Scandalous officiating indeed, and all because the ref couldn't wait a bit longer for his pay-off. -

Niccolo de Santi/THE TATTLETALE

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Re: My Time In EC 106 - A Collection Of Match Reports, Articles & Good Ol' Gossip

From Textual to Sexual : Paris Hilton's LiveText Commentary for QPR v Leyton Orient

Since regular LiveTexter Babu annan (or Brother Babu, as he is popularly known) continues to be indisposed following certain revelations about himself and his favourite drink, coconut water, MafioSport TV has decided to invite a celebrity to take over for one game instead. So without further ado, please tap away at your keyboards together for the one and only...PARIS HILTON!

Pre-match : hi guys!!!!hope d fotografrs got gud pix of my 'no-fur' luk whn i wz gttin outta d car.lolz!!!!

(A little later) lolz.i dint realyz whn dey tld me abt dis futbal dat it wz gnna b sawker!!!!:-)

Kick-off : guy in black on d field wissles.i wissle back.lolz!!!!

3rd min : old dude nxt 2 me sez hes an analyst.i tell him im a vaginalyst myslf.

10 : guy grabs othr guys neck on d field.wndr wat dey grab in d showrs.lolz,hot!!!!

18 : d ppl in d stadium groan lyk being fingerd in d gspot.dats hot!!!!

22 : now d ppl are standn n screamn wid plesher.im lykin dis ry.:-)

23 : guy in black on d field wissles again.i wissle back again.lolz!!!!

34 : old dude nxt 2 me sez smthn abt lack f panties.i spred my legs n smile.

36 : lolz,old dude ws talkn abt lack of practise!!!!pwnd!!!!:-D

45 : dude in black on d field wissles 4 d 3rd time 2day.i 2 wissle back.lolz!!!!

46 : dude in black on d field wissles yet again.i also wissle back.lolz!!!!

47 : d crowd hav anothr massive sexual release.hot!!!!im wet.

52 : serchd my purse bt cudnt find it.dam,4got 2 take my vibr8r!!!!:-/

65 : d ppl moan wid ecstasy again.i tell d old dude abt dis.

66 : d old dude asks me 2 "shut my hole".hw did he knw i hd 4gotn 2 wear a butt plug?

69 : bt thn hes an analyst,so he wud knw.

72 : crowd scream again.dats hot!!!!

74 : publisist calls.tell me my new movie has floppd.sad!!!!:-(

77 : bt i dont undrstnd y it floppd.ok,its only 54 secs long due 2 Elli-baby's poor 'ball-control',bt my boobs r nice!!!!

80 : my butt is nice,2.

84 : ok thn,ill do a publisity stunt 2day.

86 : ill let my top slip axidently aftr d game in frnt of d pepperonipizzazi.hot!!!!;-)

90 : guy in black wissles.i wissle in reply.paris ftw!!!!lolz!!!!

(Final score : QPR 4-0 Leyton Orient.

Scorers : Fabio Coentrao 22', 72'; Rodolfo 47'; Barrios 65'.)

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Re: My Time In EC 106 - A Collection Of Match Reports, Articles & Good Ol' Gossip

QPR Win / Velarone To Depart?

QPR won their second game on the trot to climb to 8th place on the table, but all the attention was on their manager Alessandro Velarone, whose shock resignation from the club is said to be merely a matter of time following his marriage to his girlfriend, actress Mamta Mohandas.

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The love-struck couple entered into wedlock a few days ago and subsequently honeymooned in Nelliyampathy, India, thus explaining the real reason for Velarone's sudden disappearance, which had led to speculation (mainly by trash like the Daily Mirror) that he had been banned by the SMFA mandarins after being held responsible for Her Royal Horniness Princess Paris Hilton's acutely embarrassing antics while doing LiveText commentary for the QPR-Leyton Orient game.

Stunningly, though, Velarone is said to have decided to concentrate on his marriage, and may well decide to walk away from the club he joined barely a month ago, leaving his consigliere Tony D'Amato in charge at the helm. These fickle Italians. - Niccolo de Santi/THE TATTLETALE

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