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Bad joke competition!!!

Sky Blue Lee

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Guy goes into a baker's, and asks for the Daily Mirror .

The bloke at the counter says 'this is a bakery son, we don't sell Papers'.

He goes back the next day and asks him again. The Bloke says 'This is a bakery, we don't sell papers. If you ask me again i'll nail your head to the wall.'

He asks him 'Got any nails?'

He replies 'No.'

The guy then asks 'Fine then. Got the Daily Mirror?' :D

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Eazy come/ Eazy go.

There was a little boy by the name of Eazy. Eazy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Eazy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.

Being a little boy, Eazy was curious. So he asked them, "What's the Purple Wombat?"

"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" Teb the leader of the children exclaimed disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Eazy, always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Eazy, confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children.

"Hey, Mister Bus Driver!" one of the chldren shouted. " Eazy doesn't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

The bus driver Herby turned around abruptly. "You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" he said in disbelief. He ordered Eazy to sit in the very back of the bus, all by himself.

Eventually, they got to school, and Eazy got off the bus and went to class. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegiance and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography. Eazy was not really paying attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat.

Eazys hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Eazy asked, "Teacher, what's the Purple Wombat?"

"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the teacher called Fraser cried in alarm, "Get yourself to the principal's office right now, young man. No, no buts -- march!"

So Eazy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the principal's office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin mustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to frighten little boys like Eazy who had been sent to his office almost to tears.

"Well, Eazy," he began slowly. "What seems to be the problem?"

"Mr. Neller , I just don't know what's going on today. Everyone's been acting weird, and they're all treating me really badly. Like Mr.Fraser just sent me to you and stuff."

"Now, Eazy, I'm here to help you. I'm the princi-Pal, after all. Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone's acting so strangely?"

"It's because I don't know what some stupid Purple Wombat is."

"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is? That's it. I am calling your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended."

Mr.Neller. threw Eazy out of his office and told him to go home. Eazy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him.

"Eazy!" she called, sobbing, "I was so worried about you! What happened?"

"Mom," Eazy cried, "Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal's office and the principal suspended me, all because I don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" Eazys mother shrieked. "Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!"

So Eazy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed, crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn't know what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened.

"Eazy," his father began in that lecturing-father tone, "Your mother says you've been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you've done?"

"Dad, I haven't done anything! I just don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

"You...don't know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!"

Eazys father slammed the door and stormed off. Eazy collapsed on his bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way -- lying there, crying, wishing he would wake up.

Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said: "Eazy. I am the Purple Wombat, Eazy."

Eazy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, but he could not.

"Eazy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Eazy."

It was coming from out the window. So Eazy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof.

"Eazy. I am the Purple Wombat."

Eazy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood.

"Eazy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Eazy."

The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Eazy didn't care. He had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood.

"Eazy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Eazy."

Eazy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going, driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name.

"Eazy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Eazy."

Eventually, Eazy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town lake.

"Eazy. I am the Purple Wombat. I'm out here, Eazy."

It was coming from out across the lake. Eazy got one of the small rowboats from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it was very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was.

"Eazy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Eazy."

The voice was coming from across the lake. Eazy doubled his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across the lake, he heard: "Eazy, I am the Purple Wombat. I'm up here, Eazy."

It was coming from directly above him. Eazy stopped rowing and stood up to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Eazy didn't know how to swim, so he drowned.

Moral: Don't stand up in a boat. :D;)

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Nice one Alan, try this one for size.

Far,far away in a time long ago lived a Knight, and in the next Kingdom lived a beautiful Princess.

The Knight had been in love with the Princess for years and always admired her from afar.

One day he plucked up the courage to go and see the King to ask for his daughters hand in marriage.

"I am the Purple Knight on the Purple Horse" he declared, "And I come to ask for your daughters hand in marriage"

"First you must seek out the wily old fox in the forest nearby and get his white feather from him" said the king.

So the Purple Knight on the Purple Horse set off to find the wily old fox.

After weeks off searching he found him.

He explained his situation and asked for his white feather.

"I will give you my feather, if you go and find the wise old owl of the wood and obtain his golden ring for me" said the wily old fox.

"But from now on you are the White Knight on the White Horse" declared the fox.

So the White Knight on the White Horse set off in search of the wise old owl.

After weeks of searching he found the owl, and explained his situation.

"You may have my golden ring to give to the fox" he said "If you go to the king of the frogs and obtain his magic lily pad for me".

"But from now on you are the Golden Knight on the Golden Horse" he told the Knight.

So he searched the lake in the middle of the forest for days and days.

Just when he was about to give up he found the king of the frogs and explained his situation.

"You may have my magic lily pad" the king of the frogs said "Now go marry your bride".

So the Golden Knight on the Golden Horse charged off to give the owl the magic lily pad.

"You may have my golden ring" declared the owl "Now go marry your bride".

So he raced to see the fox with the ring.

"You may have my white feather now fair Knight" said the fox "Now go marry your bride".

He thundered to the palace with the feather, and rode in parading the feather to the King.

"You may now have my daughters hand in marriage" declared the King."Go to Esmerelda now and ask her".

So the knight went to her room, got down on one knee, and asked her those fateful words. "Will you marry me".

Esmerelda replied "I'm afraid not i'm a lesbian"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Top Notch,Speddiez.

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts. Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each day.

For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. There was no sign of the missing men.

They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists, because they feared an international incident. They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach and, sure enough, found the remains of the Russian.

One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"

"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male." :rolleyes:

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Good one that Alan.

An angel comes down from Heaven one day to a plaza where there are two statues, both facing each other.

One of the statues is male, and the other female.

"Since you have stood here for 300 years" announces the angel "I will bring you to life for 30 mins."

So with a wave of the angels hand the statues are transported off their dais onto the ground.

They immediatly run off into the nearby bushes.

After a lot of giggling and rustling, they reappear hand in hand with broad grins from ear to ear.

"You still have 15 mins remaining" the angel tells them.

"Brilliant" replies the male statue as he turns to the female statue.

"This time i'll hold the pigeon down, and you can s*** on it's head!"

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Brilliant ,but i think both of us are on the wrong thread ,this is supposed to be "Bad joke competition!!! "

And mine and yours are just to great to be wasted on here :P:D

Maybe we should start " Best joke competition " Then again with some of the youngsters and Bobo on here they might not get the point :eek:

So to them it will be bad joke so suppose we will keep them to this thread. :D

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it was, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Forty five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is, because you're not a monk :mad:

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Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music! :D

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this ones a bit like pthame's and was for when queen mary was queen.

why did the seaweed blush?

because it saw queen mary's bottom :D

there were two crisps walking along the road.suddenly a taxi pulled up beside them.'do you want a lift?' the driver said.the crisps replied,'no thanks,we're Walkers' :D

why did the one armed man cross the road?

to get to the second hand shop.

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