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Bad joke competition!!!

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Blonde joke :D

A fair hair was speeding in a 55 mile per hour zone when a police cruiser pulled her over. The police officer also just happened to be a fair hair, and she asked for the fair hair's driver's license. The fair hair driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the fair hair policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?" Irritated, the fair hair cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!" The fair hair driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license! It has my picture on it!" The fair hair driver then handed it to the fair hair policewoman. The fair hair cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the fair hair driver and said, "You're free to go. If I had known you were a cop too, we could have avoided all of this!" :D

More jokes...

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. "Certainly, Madame," he replied. Mary asked, "Is the restaurant still open?" "Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from the menu?" Mary smiled and took the menu and looked it over. "I would like cauliflower cheese, please," said Mary. "Certainly, Madame," he replied. Mary then asked, "And may I have breakfast in bed?" The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs," Mary said. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully, and the next morning, Mary came down early to check out. The receptionist asked Mary, "Did you sleep well?" Mary replied, "Yes, thank you." The receptionist then asked, "Was the food to your liking?" Mary replied, "Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was great. I don't think I've ever had better! Shame about the eggs, though. They really weren't that nice at all." The receptionist replied, "Perhaps you could contribute your thoughts to our guest comments book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion." "OK, I will," said Mary, who then checked out, paused awhile, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see what Mary had written. She wrote: "Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"


A tourist in Vienna was walking through a graveyard on Halloween night when all of a sudden he heard some music. No one was around, so the tourist started searching for the source of the music. The tourist finally located the source of the music. The tourist discovered the music was coming from a grave with a headstone that read: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. The tourist then realized that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backwards! Puzzled, the tourist left the graveyard and persuaded a local resident to return to the graveyard with him. By the time they had arrived back at the grave, the music had changed. This time it was the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it was being played backwards. Curious, the men agreed to consult a local music scholar. When they returned to the grave with the expert, the Fifth Symphony was playing, again backwards. The music expert noticed that the symphonies were being played in the reverse order in which they were composed: the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. Within hours, the word had spread, and a crowd had gathered around the grave. The crowd was listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambled up to the group. Someone in the crowd asked him if he had an explanation for the music. The caretaker replied, "Oh, it's nothing to worry about! He's just decomposing!"


A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in Arkansas. The lawyer shot and dropped a duck, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field. I'm going into retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "Sorry, sonny. This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The lawyer said, "I am one of the best attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you have!" The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in Arkansas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Arkansas Three-Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Arkansas Three-Kick Rule?" The farmer answered, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up!" The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old farmer, so he agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from his tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick nearly wiped the lawyer's nose off his face! The lawyer was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up! The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck, now it's my turn!" The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!"

And Finally....

Q: What did the one elephant say to the other elephant when he saw Alan Neller walking across the road?

A: Look, there is Alan Neller walking across the road :D:D

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oh well here goes, they are a bit old now but had me giggling over chrimbo.

did you hear about the dislexic santa??

in ipswich he put prossies under trees!! :D:D

whats the difference between an ipswich serial killer and mr kipling??

mr kipling puts 6 tarts in a box!! :D:D

look when you're bottom of div2 and in the state torquay are in you take the laughs where you can.

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Heres one:

A little is born one day, but he comes out of his mums tummy with just a HEAD!

He grows up being just a head with no body, no arms, no leags...just a head ;)

A few years pass and he is 12, his dad carries him to the bar and the barman says to the dad...i know what may cure your son, here let him drink a bit of this each night and a part of his body will eventually grow back, so the little boy drinks away and a body starts to appear, after a few days of drinking all of his body, arms and legs are all there and he is a full human been!

Although he has got nothing more to grow on his body he decides to keep drinking this juice...but one day he goes to get his ball across the road when all of a sudden a lorry comes and hits the kid full on...bang..hes dead!

The kids dad goes into the bar the next day and comiserates himslf with beer when the barman comes across and says to him..."your son should have quit while he was aHEAD!!!


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bit dirty but hey

A man walks into a bar

Barman asks what will it be

The man says give me 3 shots of Wiskey

Barman gives him 3

The man drinks all 3 and asks give me 3 more

Barman goes i think thats enough for you mate

THe man goes, nah just got my first blowjob

Barman says thats something to celebrate here ya go

The man drinks another 3

Barman asks you want anohter 3 shots

Man goes nah if the first two rounds cant get the taste out of my mouth doubt the third will

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bit dirty but hey

A man walks into a bar

Barman asks what will it be

The man says give me 3 shots of Wiskey

Barman gives him 3

The man drinks all 3 and asks give me 3 more

Barman goes i think thats enough for you mate

THe man goes' date=' nah just got my first blowjob

Barman says thats something to celebrate here ya go

The man drinks another 3

Barman asks you want anohter 3 shots

Man goes nah if the first two rounds cant get the taste out of my mouth doubt the third will[/quote']

Im sure that language isnt accepted on here lol, but thats quite a funny joke, more sick than bad lol

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"It is white."

- George W. Bush, when asked what the

White house was like by a student in

East London

'Oh yeah, and the blue whale is blue.'

"Chemistry is a class you take in high

school or college, where you figure out

two plus two is 10, or something."

- Dennis Rodman, NBA Basketball player

'...And is the class in high school or

college where you figure out the number

of protons and electrons or something

is math??'

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all

be watching television by candlelight."

- George Gobel

'Oh, and so televisions run by

batteries then?'

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Little Johnny was 7 years old and like

other boys his age rather curious.

He had been hearing quite a bit

about 'making out' from the older


and he wondered what it was and how it

was done.

One day he took his question to his


who became rather flustered.

Instead of explaining things to


she told him to hide behind the

curtains one night and watch his older


and her boyfriend.

This he did.

The following morning,

Johnny described EVERYTHING to his


"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked

for a while,

then he turned off most of the lights.

Then he started kissing and hugging


I figured 'Sis must be getting sick,

because her face started looking


He must have thought so too,

because he put his hand inside her

blouse to feel her heart,

just the way the doctor would,

except he's not as smart as the doctor

because he seemed to have trouble

finding her heart.

I guess he was getting sick too,

because pretty soon both of them

started panting and getting all out of


His other hand must have been cold

because he put it under her skirt.

About this time 'Sis got worse and

began to moan and sigh and squirm

around and

slide down toward the end of the


This was when her fever started.

I knew it was a fever,

because Sis told him she felt really


Finally, I found out what was making

them so sick-a big eel

;had gotten inside his pants somehow.

It just jumped out of his pants and

stood there,

about 10 inches long, honest,

anyway he grabbed it in one hand to

keep it from getting away.

When Sis saw it,

she got really scared-her eyes got


and her mouth fell open, and she

started calling out to God and stuff

like that.

She said it was the biggest one she's

ever seen;

I should tell her about the ones down

at the lake by our house!

Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to

kill the eel by biting its head off.

All of a sudden she grabbed it with

both hands and held it tight

while he took a muzzle out of his

pocket and slipped it over the eel's

head to

keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so

she could get a scissor-lock on it and

he helped

by lying on top of the eel.

The eel put up a hell of a fight.

Sis started groaning and squealing and

her boyfriend almost upset the couch.

I guess they wanted to kill the eel by

squashing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving

and gave a great sigh.

Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough,

they killed the eel.

I knew because it just hung there,

limp, and some of its insides were

hanging out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little

tired from the battle,

but they went back to courting anyway.

He started hugging and kissing her


By golly, the eel wasn't dead!

It jumped straight up and started to

fight again.

I guess eels are like cats- they have

nine lives or something.

This time, Sis jumped up and tried to

kill it by sitting on it.

After about a 35 minute struggle, they

finally killed the eel.

I knew it was dead,

because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its

skin off and flush it down the toilet.

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Q. What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?

A. Wonkey!

Q. Where did the sheep go to get his hair cut?

A. The Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabers!

Q. What do u call a deer with no eyes?

A. No i deer!

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

A. Still no i deer!

Q. What do you call 500 white men chasing 1 black man?

A. Te PGA Tour Golf

You did say bad jokes dind't you, lol :D

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okey heres my entries for teh bad joke competition

Q.wats the wortst thin about upton park

A.the seats face the pitch :P

Q.what is the simliartiy between playstaitions and breasts

A.both are made for children and used by adults

.Naked Nuns.

while redocorating a community church ,three nuns become extremely hot and sweaty in there habits , so mother superior says,"let's take our clothes off and then we can work completley nakes.

the two other nuns are dissaproving ask,"what if someone sees us?"

but the mother superior says " dont worry no-one well see us well just lock the door." the other nuns agree,strip and get down to work ,suddenly theres a knock at the door and grab there clothes in panic.

mother superior runs to the door and calls through"who is it"

"Blind man" a blokes voice comes bk.so she opens the door and lets in teh blind man,who turns to the nuns and says "great T*its ladies , now where do u want those blinds :):P;)

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