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Bad joke competition!!!


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Re: Bad joke competition!!! Manchester City have bid £45m for Raoul Moat. They don't know anything about him but have heard everyone is after him.

Eazy come/ Eazy go. There was a little boy by the name of Eazy. Eazy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to sch

Re: Bad joke competition!!! What's the difference between the English team and the English teabag? Answer: The teabag stays in the cup longer.

Re: Bad joke competition!!!

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wraped in cling film with nothing underneath.

The psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see your nuts."

Have you heard about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field.

Q. What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A. A flat minor.

Teacher: "What is the outermost part of the tree trunk called?"

Student: "I don't know, sir."

Teacher: "Bark, boy, bark."

Student: "Woof — Woof!"

A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding day, she told each one of them to write back about their married life.

The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply:

"MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE"

Mother was very confused and finally noticed a Maxwell Advert, and it said:

"Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mother was happy.

Then the second daughter got married. After a week, there was a message that read:

"ROTHMANS"

So, the Mother looked at a Rothmans ad, and it said:

"LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE" And Mother was happy.

Then it the third one got married. Mother was anxious. After four weeks came the message:

"BRITISH AIRWAYS"

So mother looked at the BA ad, but this time she fainted. The ad read:

"TWO TIMES A DAY, FOUR TIMES A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

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Re: Bad joke competition!!!

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

___________________________________

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

___________________________________

Q: How many blonde jokes are there?

A: One. The rest are all true stories.

___________________________________

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"

"No. Get lost, it's half-past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing set."

___________________________________

What did the bra say to the hat?

"You go on ahead, while I give these two a lift."

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Re: Bad joke competition!!!

Location :Classroom

Teacher : right class , i want one of you to put up your hand and think of the longest sentance you can think of.

(boy puts up hand )

Teacher : Yes ?

Boy : Life in Prison.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

What word has the most letters in ?

Post Office:p

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Re: Bad joke competition!!!

An Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman were all sat in a bar one afternoon.

Just out of curiosity, the barman asks the guys what they thought was the best invention in the world.

After a bit of thought, the Welshman says "its the aeroplane, isnt it."

"Why?" asks the barman.

"To be able to get in a plane and go somewhere it never rains is fantastic, isnt it." He said.

A minute later the Englishman says " its the telephone, it has to be..."

"Why?" asks the barman.

"To have a conversation with friends and family that are in completely different countries is magnificent" he says.

The Irishman follows with "No no - Its the Thermos Flask..."

Confused, they all look at him and ask why.

"Well, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, but how does it know?"

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Guest Phill

Magic Slide

Right there were 3 people a welshman, an irishman and an englishman they went to a funfair and the ride was called "The magic slide" the instructions said "slide down then when ur in the middle say something and you will land in it" the irishman went first he went down and he said "silver!" when he went down he landed in a pot of silver. the welshman had a go he said "gold!" he landed in a pot of gold but the englishman didnt read the instructions and when he went down he said "weeeeeeeeee!"

so you can picture the rest :D

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...

Re: Bad joke competition!!!

Got sent this tother day, Chain Mail stuff:

Send this text to 10 other people

and what reward will you get?

Will it be the £1 Million pounds you think it is?

No, Its NAFF ALL!

Thats it, no prizes here, no secret love factor,

JUST NAFF ALL!

I sent this around to ten people, and it works.

I got Naff All!

:rolleyes:

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Guest Mr. Razzcocks

Re: Bad joke competition!!!

I was having a look around my local garden center when one of the staff came up and asked "Do you want decking ?" Luckily I got the first punch in.

Good or bad ?

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  • 4 months later...

Re: Bad joke competition!!!

Here are some rubbish Christmas jokes for you guys. You have probably heard them but let's re-kindle them just on this day:

What is Tarzan's favourite carol?

Jungle bells.

________________________________

What is King Kong's favourite carol?

King Kong Merrily on High.

________________________________

What happens if you eat too much turkey?

You get Tinselitis.

________________________________

Santa was going out one evening, when his wife noticed that the was carrying an umbrella.

"What's that for?" She asks.

"Look's like rain, dear."

________________________________

This year, Santa's little helpers were advised to wear special suits while they worked. It was described, by one, as an act of 'elf and safety. :rolleyes:

________________________________

Father: I'm afraid we won't be watching any Christmas films this year, son. The electricity has been cut off because of the horrendous weather.

Son: You're joking right? I was so looking forward to Eastenders this year!

Father: Don't worry, Son, look on the bright side... HAHAHAHA! Get it? The "Bright side"? When there's no electricity? That's hilarious! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Son: This is no time to be making stupid puns, dad! No electricity means to TV. That 'sno joke!

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Re: Bad joke competition!!!

Another christmas cracker for ya........

I had dress down day at work yesterday where we had to go in something festive.......

I walked in wearing normal clothes with jeans and a t-shirt as normal......

My boss was gonna pick me up on it and sure as hell, she walked over and asked me......

Where's your festive outfit then?

My quick reply was........ " Sh1t.... I put my snowman ears on this morning but they must have melted"....... ;o)

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Re: Bad joke competition!!!

this is quite a long one.

A man comes into a pub one day and asks for 3 pints of Guiness the barman gives it too him and watches him sit down and drink the 3 pints.

This goes on for about a month and then one of the people in the pub tells the barman that he should ask him why he drinks three pints everyday.

so he goes to the man 'why do you drink 3 pints of guiness everyday' and the man replies 'well i don't see my brothers often so i tell them i will have a drink for them and if they every come down they can join me'

anyway a while later the man says' two pints of guiness please' and the barman thinks oh dear.

This goes on for about a week then the barman says 'listen, I'm sorry about you're brother' then the man replies 'he isn't dead, i have given up drinking' :P

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