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Margaret's EC106 post collection.


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  • 2 weeks later...

Re: Margaret's EC106 post collection.

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LATIMER RETURNS !!

safe_image.php?d=AQDoCgnGv4pMR4_r&w=50&h=50&url=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fen%2Fe%2Feb%2FJustin_Fashanu_www.7sur7.be.jpg&crop&fallback=hub_person&prefix=qJustin Fashanu Writes.. It was party time down in Brighton tonight as over 10000 brightly dressed members of the towns large Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transsexual community took to the streets for the East Sussex Christmas Bumfest parade. The annual parade, the second largest in Europe of its kind, brings the towns high street and promenade to a standstill as it combines the Christmas message with that of sexual freedom and equality with a series of garish floats, camp street entertainers and other entertainment in a fun filled Yuletide festival. The Bumfest has become a mecca for famous homocelbrities and tonight was no exception with a smiling Sir Cliff Richard his partner Philip Schofield and Eastenders star Micheal Cashman spotted mingling in the crowd.

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Latimer takes to the water.

But the real surprise of the night came as Brighton and hove Albion boss Hugh Latimer made his first public appearance after taking over at the Amex stadium. Footballing puritan Latimer, head of the Godly against Soccer Hersey (G.A.S.H) movement dramatic return to the footballing world comes barely a month after his acrimonious split from the helm at Shorpe United. Latimer grew spontaneous applause and loud cheers from the massed ranks of Leathermen and village people lookalikes as he took to the head of the parade aboard a gaily decorated float depicting the nativity scene complete with 3 wise women, a same sex couple taking the part of Mary and Joesph and an asexual baby Jesus.

After the parade a spokesman for Latimer issued a photograph of the coaching clerics symbolic immersion in the English channel earlier that day before reading a brief press statement thanking the town for their welcome before going onto say…

Hugh is delighted to have answered the Lords calling to the South coast, where he intends to preach the soccer gospels to a wider more inclusive flock. Clearly the Satanists are once more attempting to spread their foul canker throughout the Lords game and despite the season being almost over, Hugh looks forward to fighting the holy fight against the horned one and his insidious foul hordes….Amen.
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  • 1 month later...

Re: Margaret's EC106 post collection.

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LALLANDA LEAVES AFTER LATIMER LASHING !!

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Adam Lallanda

Sir_Ernest_Shackleton_normal.jpg Sir Ernest Shackleton Writes...Faith based footballing Cleric, Hugh ( and no i'm not quite dead yet) Latimer stunned Seagulls fans tonight with the dramatic excommunication of promising midfielder Adam Lallanda. Amid rumours of discontent within the struggling Brighton squad, Latimer moved quickly to impose discipline by shipping the disillusioned Lallanda to Walsall in a £5 million cash deal. After a dreadful start to the season, division 4 Brighton find themselves propping up the league in bottom place after accruing a miserable 1 point from the opening 7 games. Many within the club point to Latimers controversial training methods as the root of the problem with players reacting badly to the harsh regime of silent prayer, fasting, daily flagellation and bodily immersion in the icy waters off of the East Sussex coast. Despite the poor run of results, Latimer and head coach sister Enid Sprocet steadfastly refuse to introduce traditional training methods and have increasingly found themselves on a collision course with many of the first team squad. An insider at the club tonight lifted the lid on the bitter infighting by telling the Herald..

Theres no two ways about it the morale within the squad is at rock bottom, the general opinion among the lads is that Latimer is to blame. The writing was on the wall from the first training session when he sat the boys down and spent 4 hours sermonising about the evils of the devils formation, after he had finished he insisted that the boys were cleansed as he and his be-robed coaching staff bodily dragged the whole team down to the sea front and repeatedly dunked them in the crashing waves as Latimer led Gregorian style chanting to ward of the devil.. Its the middle of winter and it was bloody freezing down there and I can tell you the senior pros were not impressed.

Anyway, things went from bad to worse as the following day Latimer told the assembled squad that from now on training would take on a faith based theme and introduced increasingly harsh methods of punishment to further purge their soccer souls of any traces of the impure soccer thoughts. Things finally come to a head yesterday when Latimer introduced blindfolded five aside to the confused looking squad by claiming that the players do not need sight to perform only faith. It was chaos with balls flying in all direction and players crashing into each other, after spending an hour blindly staggering around in search of the ball, young Adam finally lost it and told Latimer what many others are also thinking, and called him a total lunatic who should have been locked up years ago. Latimer went hysterical and started calling Adam a heretic and the spawn of the Devil. Before we knew it all trace of Adam was removed from the club, and the players were warned that from now on his name had became a forbidden word and any mention of him will be discouraged by prolonged immersion in the loving waves of the Lord.

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Brighton players struggle with blind folded 5 aside, Latimer and first team coach Enid Sprocket

Brightons misery continued at the weekend with a 3-1 mauling at home to table topping Swindon. Adopting Latimers preferred tripod formation, the home crowd groaned as the visitors took the led after just 14 minutes from a Dudu Biton header and despite Tony Stokes equalising barely 2 minutes later, strikes from first Rudnev and then Benat sealed the win for the impressive Swindon. Next up for Brighton a trip to the Chav heartlands of North Kent to face fellow strugglers Gillingham, where anything less than a point will only heap further pressure on the beleaguered Latimer.

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  • 2 months later...

Re: Margaret's EC106 post collection.

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MYSTERY MAN STEPS INTO UNITED HOT SEAT

?type=article Cliff Lazerenko Writes...Relegation haunted Sheffield United finally filled the vacant Bramall lane hotseat tonight with the sudden appointment of managerial unknown Ernest Borgnine. With just 5 games of the season left, worried Blades fans saw the Yorkshire club slipping down to 19th spot after this evenings 3-3 draw with Forest. Yet despite the clubs seemingly dire relegation situation, all talk tonight was just who is the real Ernest Borgnine after the new man held an impromptu press conference after tonight’s game, attired in what by all appearances appeared to be a large brown paper bag placed over his head. Bemused reporters looked on as a muffled, but nevertheless confident Borgnine declared...

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Ernest Borgnine

'' Yes whilst the situation at the moment appears bleak I think we have seen enough from the lads tonight to say that with 15 points left on the board we have a great chance of avoiding the drop. Next weeks game at home against a very good Bristol titty is a massive one. That said I think we are good for at least a point if not more, and lets not forget its still very tight at the bottom half of the table, two wins could well see us back in a mid-table slot. Before that of course we face some Frog mob in the Europa cup quarter finals and whilst division one survival remains our priority, a good performance could see us with one foot in the semis, and that itself would act a great confidence booster and a springboard to push on until the end of the campaign. ''

Whilst Borgnines stirring words may offer some slim hope to United fans, talk amongst the Blades faithful tonight centered on the paper bag and speculation as to the new mans real identity. Speaking from the Shovel and Mick public house just yards from Bramall lane, fans Phill Applewick and Alex Drippingworth were undecided as unemployed factory nighchman Applewick mused..

'' Appen I think Borgnine is someone else in disguise, and due to a press black out, can't at this stage reveal his true identity, my money's on Paul Mariner or maybe even Graham Rix?''. Not so claimed 34 year old Alex who instead told us '' .. '' neigh Lad, its no one famous, I reckon myself Borgnine is horrifically scarred or perhaps burnt, maybe in a car crash or a shark attack..still whoever he , or come to think of it she is lets hope he can pull something from out of the bag and keep the lads up, as God knows life's miserable enough up here as it is, let alone without a division one club to cheer us up''

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Re: Margaret's EC106 post collection.

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WE'RE NOT BORO !!

carlos_the_jackal_thumb_small.jpg Carlos the Jackal Writes...There was little room for sentiment in Sheffield tonight as new United boss Ernest Borgnine shocked Blades fans by publicly announcing the imminent departure of a trio of the relegation haunted clubs senior players. News broke following a meeting at Bramall Lane this afternoon, between Borgnine and frontman Miroslav Klose (34), Keeper Morgan De Sanctis (36) and defender Ricardo Carvalho (34) as the aging trio were issued end of season marching orders regardless of the outcome of clubs relegation battle. Speaking to a hushed press room Borgnine, who once more chose to conceal his identity from the waiting hacks by arriving at the conference dressed in a vintage deep sea diving suit, paid tribute to the players as he declared...

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Blades boss Ernest Borgnine

'' Its never pleasant to see players coming to the end of their time at a club , and its even less so when they are of the highest quality such as Miro, Morgan and Dickie, but all good things must come to an end. Upon joining the club, it was made clear to me that one of my long term objectives here at United was build for the future. The club owners are eager to avoid being labelled the new Boro, by becoming known for hanging onto ageing, big name players at the cost of stifling new talent. Its with this in mind that we made the hard decision to allow the lads to leave and make room for what we hope will be younger additions to the squad. I think its a testimony to the characters and professionalism of all three players concerned, that they have not only accepted my decision with grace but have committed themselves 100% to the successful outcome of our Europa cup campaign and of course our relegation battle.

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In other squad news, Borgnine went on to add that United have recently turned down a very reasonable offer for Glen Johnson from an unnamed division one side. Fans will no doubt be hoping this is a sign that regardless of next seasons status Sheffield United remain on a sound financial footing and are under no pressure to balance the books by conducting a fire-sale of playing staff .

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Re: Margaret's EC106 post collection.

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HUNTED BORGNINE BUYS A TWIX AND A

BRAZILIAN.

41598_114494211932941_1767_q.jpgBertie Smalls Writes... There were chaotic scenes in Sheffields Arndale shopping center today after an alleged sighting of camera shy Sheffield United manager Ernest Borgnine led to security staff being called to disperse a large inquisitive crowd. The drama happened shortly after 11:30 this morning when a masked individual entered Akims convenience outlet and after purchasing a newspaper, a bottle of Oasis and an item of chocolate confectionery ( later confirmed to be a Twix bar) attempted to pay the £2.40p bill. Unfortunately the cashier recognised the masked Borgnines name on his debit card and upon completing the sale asked how he was finding life at Bramell lane. Single Mum of 3, Michelle Chunderforth witnessed the transaction and told reporter of the chaos that ensued..

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A nervous Borgnine shelters behind an umbrella, a Twix, new United signing Caldeira Rommulo

'' yep I was right behind him in the queue, I saw it all and it was Borgnine all right. When Mrs Akim asked him how he was, he murmured something like ..''everything is fine, thank you'' and quickly grabbed his card and his Twix before turning around and making for the door. Although he had glasses on he looked me straight in the eye and i'm telling you there is something weird about him, maybe my boyfriend Simon is right about him and is malformed or something?. Anyway he put his head down and started to put an umbrella up, but as he rushed out of the shop there was a couple of kids trying to get someone to buy em some ciggies and they heard Mrs Akim and started after him with their camera phones trying to get a picture.

They chased him past Peacocks and towards the exits. Before you knew it there was a whole herd of people in pursuit. I saw one old lady waving her stick around and shouting to others in the crowd to take his legs away and pull his mask off. Luckily he managed to keep ahead of the mob and bolted through the doors and run off towards the multistory car park. By now tsome security guards turned up and they managed to hold the doors shut keeping the crowd inside until slowly it dispersed ''.....eyewitness Michelle Chunderforth

Later that day a club spokesman strenuously refused to confirm reports of Borgnines brush with the mob and instead broke the news of the arrival at the club of 25 year Brazilian midfielder Caldeira Rommulo in a £3million cash deal from Italians Fiorentina.

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Re: Margaret's EC106 post collection.

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BORGNINE STUNNED AS BIG GOB SAYS I'M OFFSKI !!!

duke_of_clarence_normal.jpegThe Duke of Clarence Writes...After a season warming the Sheffield United bench, bushy eyed Russian keeper Vald ( big gob) Gabulov's patience finally wore thin as he handed a formal transfer request to manager Ernie Borgnine. The 29 year old Gabulov has grown increasing unhappy at Bramell lane after first playing second fiddle to Tim Weise and more recently, ageing Italian Morgan De Sanctis. Whilst personally unavailable for comment, Gabolvs agent Yuri Yankabollockov issued a short statement declaring...

''Its with great sadness that Vlad feels that after a season of trying to cement his place in the team, the on going lack of faith placed in his ability by the former manager has left his position at the club untenable. He would like add that his decision to leave has little to do with the present manager who whilst being somewhat strange had tried his best to convince him to stay until the end of the season. Vlad thanks the people of Sheffield for their support and would like to add that the city will forever hold a place in his heart as its greyness and long abandoned industries always reminded him of his home town of Volograd albeit slightly more polluted''.....Yuri Yankabollockov

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Gabulov

With the imminent departure of Gabulov , Borgnine suddenly finds himself in somewhat of a keeper crisis and before the season is out may well have to rethink the very public decision to release veteran De Sanctis. In other transfer news, rumours abound that Borgnine is contemplating an end of season move for want away Accrington Stanley man Wilfred Bony. Whilst remaining tight lipped Borgnine is likely to face stiff competition from a host of clubs including Swansea, Burnley and Wallsall in securing the services of the 24 year old hitman.

Meanwhile United tonight secured their place in the Europa cup semi final after a comfortable 2-1 win over St Etienne. Goals from Simaon Kjaer and Mathieu Valbuena saw the tie finish 5-2 on aggregate to set up a semi final date with title challenging Bristol City.

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Re: Margaret's EC106 post collection.

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SUPER MORAES HOLDS BRAVE BLADES AT BAY.

Brigadier_normal.jpgBrigadier Lethbridge-Stewart Writes... Sheffield United fans were left to count the cost of poor finishing after a solitary Luis Fabiano goal saw the Yorkshire outfit take another giant step into division two next season. The 1-0 defeat at the hands of Europe bound Bristol city at Bramall lane tonight leaves the Blades a full 5 points adrift of the safety zone with just 4 games to play. It could have all been so different for hosts who, despite falling behind after barely 11 minutes on the clock more than created enough chances to earn at least a much needed point. Sporting an attacking 3 man offensive line the home fans were left groaning as City keeper Artur Moraes rightfully earned his man of the match award with a catalogue of world class saves. Despite the defeat United boss Ernie Borgnine managed a confident smile as he struck a defiant note as he told waiting reporters..

'' I think the lads can hold their heads up after tonight's performance. We proved that with a little confidence and application we can more than hold our own in this division. Lets be clear Bristol City are a fine team and are clearly superbly marshalled by John Henry, but aside from the early goal and a stunning display by their keeper, I think all but the most biased onlooker would consider us the better team tonight. Does the defeat signal the end ?, no I don't think so but its vital we pick ourselves up for the journey to Tottenham on Wednesday night. Yes its going to be extremely tough down there, but I'm expecting an open match, as they will no doubt bring the game to us as they seek to press Boro all the way to the title finish line. In such games anything can happen and so with a little luck and the same level of determination we displayed tonight perhaps we can surprise them. ''.... Ernest Borgnine

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A smiling ? Ernie Borgnine..

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Re: Margaret's EC106 post collection.

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TIME RUNNING OUT FOR UNITED.

the-abominable-dr-phibes-1971_thumb.png?1364164521Dr Phibes Writes...It promises to be a bottom clenching Saturday night for Sheffield United fans this weekend as the relegation haunted Blades travel down to North London in a make of break game against title chasing Tottenham Hotspur. With the club still a full five points away from the safety zone and with just 12 points available there’s a real fear at Bramall lane that anything less than a shock three points could see Uniteds first division survival hopes all but extinguished.

Despite the importance of the game at least media shy boss Ernie Borgnine has a full squad at his disposal save for the likely departure of bushy eyed reserve keeper Vlad ' big Gob' Gabulov. Whilst his leaving the club is all but a formality, the mono-browed stopper is currently pondering a return to the barren wastes of the Motherland after bids from Russian outfits Volga and Alania or, after a sudden bid from Millwall a move to the even less hospitable wastelands of Saff London. Borgnine has chosen to remain tight lipped about his tactics for the game, but after a shocking performance against Bristol City at the weekend Antoine Griezmann is likely to make way for either Pablo Hernandez or unsettled Italian front man Marco Borrielo.

After yet an impressive campaign, second place Tottenham go to the game in somewhat of an end of season crises after a run of 3 defeats in as many games has all but conceded the title race to top-dogs Middlesbrough. The last of which was the narrow 1-0 defeat at the hands of the champions elect this weekend, with a solitary Sergio Leone strike deciding what many labelled the biggest game ( indeed event) in the history of not only the known universe but also indeed of any undiscovered parallel universes. The weekends cataclysmic loss leaves Spurs 5 points behind Boro, but perhaps more worryingly for boss Ben Newman just 2 points ahead of Liverpool and 3 points clear of fourth and fifth placed Bristol City and Carlisle. Certainly missing from the Spurs line up is wideman Antonio Valencia who sits out the rest of the season with a torn ligament and Spurs fans will no doubt be hoping that 26 goal Robin Van Persie will once more be on target after an uncharacteristic 2 games without a goal.

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Slaphead

Making the long journey South will be life long blades fan and Olympic gold medallist Jessica Einnes, and the the slap headed sprinter tonight took a break from training to tweet her support for the ailing Blades..

Aye appen me and a few of the gurls will be heading ta game ont Saturday, av it youse Blades, #kick them Southern baskets in their throats and stamp their faces inta the muck
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  • 2 weeks later...

Re: Margaret's EC106 post collection.

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PLATO LEAVES IT LATEO TO SINK BRAVE BLADES

safe_image.php?d=AQBDLXYYmojJsghs&w=50&h=50&url=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fcommons%2Fc%2Fc8%2FBrian_Cant.jpg&crop&fallback=hub_person&prefix=qBrian Cant Writes...It was the end of the first division road for Sheffield United last night as the Yorkshire side were relegated to the second tier following a 3-2 defeat at fellow strugglers Arsenal. In a tension filled evening at the Emirates, the hosts took the lead ten minutes before the break with a Edinson Cavani header following great work from Alexandre Pato. Incredibly barely 2 minutes after the restart the Blades were level in the game after Miroslav Klose chested the ball into the path of Ever Banaga who gratefully slotted the ball past the despairing Hugo Lloris.

Fifteen minutes after the half time break the game exploded once more into life with first Pato picking up what would turn out to be a game winning brace, before two minutes later United skipper Gareth Barry picked up his second yellow of the evening and in-turn his marching orders following a clumsy challenge on Sergio Busqets. Despite being reduced in numbers ten man United held on to division one survival and stunned the North London crowd when veteran Klose once more restored parity beating Lloris with a bundled finish on 65 minutes.

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Bitter Borgnine and two goal hero Alexandre Pato

As both teams warily probed for a vital third goal , United had the better share of chances with German Klose bringing a succession of neat saves from the Arsenal keeper. Despite the visitors pressure, come the 85th minute a dramatic turn of events cruelly snuffed out any hopes of a famous United victory as man of the match Pato picked up his second of the game as he flicked the ball past keeper Morgan De Sanctis. The victory sees Arsenal climb out of the bottom three ahead of their final game of the season at Fulham, whilst United find themselves cast to the bottom a full four points from safety with just Exter to face in their last game in division one. After the game United boss Ernie Borgnine voiced his disappointment as he boarded the team bus....

'' ...yes of course i'm bloody disappointed. After battling with ten men for best part of the second half, I thought we deserved something from the game and of course with just 4 minutes left it was a cruel way to be finally relegated. Nevertheless it wasn't tonights game alone that has left us in this position. We need to accept that we have failed this season and its vital that we pick ourselves up and start to prepare for what I hope will prove to be a speedy return to division one''.

For his part 2 goal Arsenal hero Plato,was understandably upbeat by the result as he quipped to waiting Greek philosophy students..

For I am certain, O men of Athens, that if I had engaged in politics, I should have perished long ago and done no good either to you or to myself. And don’t be offended at my telling you the truth: for the truth is that no man who goes to war with you or any other multitude, honestly struggling against the commission of unrighteousness and wrong in the state, will save his life; he who will really fight for the right, if he would live even for a little while, must have a private station and not a public one.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Re: Margaret's EC106 post collection.

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HUGH LATIMER EATEN ALIVE BY GREAT WHITE SHARK !!!!

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Latimer tries to fight off the Great White.

photo.jpg Ken Livingstone Writes.. The soccer world was in a state of shock tonight following news that legendary footballing cleric and one time Shorpe boss Hugh ( are you there Jesus?) Latimer has died after a horrific attack by a great white shark whilst conducting baptisms on a Johannesburg beach. Despite a truly unremarkable career in the lower reaches of the bottom division, Latimer became synonymous with the controversial movement for soccer purity and was widely credited with the destruction of the 3-5-2 formation. Since the end of his tenure at Glanford park and a short spell at Brighton the inspirational Latimer has shunned the footballing limelight instead choosing to embark on a worldwide crusade to spread the 'anti 3-5-2' footballing gospels. Following a successful Asian conversion campaign which saw over 4000 new footballing souls enrolled in the Godly against soccer heresy ( G.A.S.H) movement, 96 year old Latimer had recently embarked on the second leg of his crusade in Africa. Sadly after barely a fortnight on the dark continent disaster struck earlier today when a shocked crowd saw Latimer swept from shore by the huge creature of the deep. Twenty five year old beachcomber Sibusiso Ndebele witnessed the attack and told reporters..

I was doing my early morning walk along the beach and had stopped to listen to what the crazy old white guy was saying to the waiting crowd of disciples. I couldn't hear exactly what he was saying what with the noise coming from the mobile pipe organ and tambourines, but I recall he was shouting something about soccer salvation and the work of the Lord. He must have been well into it all because he didn't hear my warning shouts as I noticed this bloody great fin coming towards him from the sea. I started to run towards him but was stopped by the crowd , who by now were chanting and clapping in time to the music when suddenly I saw this huge mouth rear its head out of the water and snatch him in mid sermon. Man I've never seen a shark that big, it must have been a 30 footer as it almost swallowed him whole. Still I must say for a man of his age he put up a tremendous fight and as he tried to beat the Great white off with his crucifix for a moment I thought he was going to break free. Sadly it wasn't to be and as the Shark dragged him under I clearly heard him shout '' keep praying Brothers and Sisters'' to the crowd of disciples who responded by cheerfully waving back and singing another chorus of what a friend we have in Jesus.

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Before the attack- converts arriving at the beach

Reaction to the news of Latimers demise was mixed, upon hearing the news Liverpool boss Dan Malone paid tribute to Latimer by saying '' its a sad day, Hugh was a wee bit eccentric but his heart was in the right place, still it goes to show you that you can never trust a Great white, me I hate the bloody things''. Fulhams Dom Latouche and one time disciple of Latimers went further '' I can't believer he has gone, he changed my life forever and everything I have achieved I owe to him, i'm so emotional at the moment''. Middlesbrough boss Jooles Dawson was less complementary '' Wow what a season, first the title and now this.. Latimer was a crank, but now he is dead instead would you like to see my new trophy?''. Dawsons words were echoed by long term Latimer target Man Utds Simon Pluto who quipped '' Ha, Latimer was a total loon, he made my life hell, i'm glad to see the back of him. I only wish I could have been there in person I would have shook the sharks hand or to be precise its flipper''

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Re: Margaret's EC106 post collection.

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SHORPE BIDS FINAL FAREWELL TO LATIMER.

23293_100176103360280_4765_q.jpg Bill Werbinuk Writes...It was emotional evening in Shorpe tonight as the faith based football community said farewell to its most favoured of sons as recently deceased Hugh ' thats my lot ' Latimer was laid to rest in a commemorative cremation in the cities Normanby Hall Country park. Latimer who died mid sermon on Wednesday night after being part consumed by a Great White shark during a footballing gospel tour of South Africa, was known to frequent the park during his time as Shorpe boss, and its open tranquil spaces provided a fitting back drop as the final resting place for the inspirational soccer cleric. Despite the ferocity of the shark attack , South African coast guards were able to retrieve some of Latimers badly chewed remains rumoured to include an arm, a left shin bone and two thirds of his right buttock . Unfortunately despite a long helicopter case, they were unable to retrieve what was believed to have been his head as it was carried off by a passing seagull.

With the typically appalling bank holiday weather soaking the huge crowds that gathered to pay their respects, members of the Godly against soccer heresy ( G.A.S.H) provided a guard of honour for their fallen leader as they carried him through the multitude of weeping mourners to his final resting place atop of a 30 foot high funeral pyre. Seen among the crowds were several notable figures from the showbiz world including pop sensation Alvin Stardust, dame Cliff Richard and hilarious comedy duo Richard de-Courcy and a distraught Nookie the bear.

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Ernie Borgnine

After an evening of reflective prayer and psalm singing it fell to Sheffield United manager Ernest Borgnine to address the crowd. In a final pre-torching tribute, and wearing what appeared to be a 1950's Russian gas mask, the heavily muffled but clearly emotional Borgnine summed up the sadness of the evening perfectly as he declared...

..Hugh Latimer was one of those rare figures who possess an almost God like ability to inspire and shape events. His selfless commitment to the cause of soccer purity shines like a beacon to not only us but also future generations of football coaches, managers, players and supporters. Whilst he may have upset some with his unfailing honesty , he at all times delivered his joyous message with a divine clarity that transcended the physical and captured the very souls of those he preached to. No other man has done more to shape the way we now play the game and as we prepare to say our final farewell to our brother Hugh let us remember him by recounting one of his best loved sermons, the parable of Dibdab...

......twas many years ago in the land of Canaan, Dibdab the handsome of the Girgaes was wandering lost, when he entered a deep forest which marked the land of the Zemarites . Fighting through the thick brush and surrounded by the howls of the forest beasties he chanced upon a tree house high up in a mighty oak. After climbing the tree and knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Zemarite man with a bent back and long grey beard. ''I am Jobbie of the Zemerites , what brings you to my door, handsome stranger?''."I’m lost," said Dibdab. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Zemarite said, " the good lord has taught us to be welcoming hosts, but be warned stranger the Good Lord has also taught us of the dangers of Sin and to cower before his almighty wrath. Come to my house as a friend on but one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter Chlamydia, the Lord will inflict upon you his fearful revenge not once, not twice but trice''. "OK," said Dibdab, and entered the house of Jobbie.

Chlamydia came down the stairs. She was young and slim of thigh, curved of buttock, fulsome of breast, and her beautiful flaxen hair shone as bright as all the heavens stars.. Serving a meal of cumin, lentils and Fig broth she was obviously attracted to the young man, and as that sat and ate she couldn’t keep her eyes off him as he spoke to her father. Remembering the old man’s warning Dibdab keep his word and ignored her advances and after eating went up to bed alone. During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion and repeated sowing of his warm and ample seed. Dibdab was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

Later he woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read: " Gods revenge 1.... Large rock on chest." ''Well, that’s pretty rubbish'' thought Dibdab. ''If that’s the best the Lord can do then I don’t have much to worry about'', as laughing to himself he picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and cast it out into the dawn air. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read: "Gods revenge 2: Rock tied to left tessticle." In a panic Rabhab glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration by force of gravity, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. It was only then as Rabhab plummeted towards the forest below he saw a large sign on the ground that read "Gods revenge 3.... Right tessticle tied to bed post.".... amen

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Re: Margaret's EC106 post collection.

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LITTLE DICKIE LEAVES BLADES

370771_100003972057224_608852931_q.jpgJudah Ben Hur Writes...A ruthless Ernie Borgnine has proved to be as good as his word, after the mysterious Sheffield United boss continued his promised cull of his recently relegated squad with the announcement of the departure of veteran center back Ricardo Carvalho. The 34 year former Portuguese international is set to leave the club after tonight agreeing personal terms with Spanish giants Real Madrid in a deal reported to be in the region of seven million pounds. Carvalho affectionately known as ' Lttle Dickie' by the Bramall lane faithful is the latest in big names to leave the Blades and follows in the footsteps of unsettled Eyetie Marco Borriello and German Miroslav Klose. Before leaving the club for ambitious Walsall, the ageing Klose laughed off suggestions that he was past his prime by declaring..

Ach Nien. You Englanders will find zat due to mien superior Teutonic approach to zee fitness, I have many a season left at zee highest of levels. A combination of iron villed determination unt a disciplined diet of bratwurst, fermented cabbage unt zee occasional helping of spanferkel allows me to continue train at zee maximum efficiency unt protects mien perfect German body against injury unt diseases. Unlike you Tommies who eat to much of your roast rindfleisch unt zee fish unt zee chips I remain zee perfect specimen of health.

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Spanferkel fan Klose

With the departure of Klose and co, Borgnine certainly appears to be signalling his attention for the future as in an end of season spending spree he has continued to bolster his youth squad with the arrival of five new faces. Defenders Tasos Papazoglou and Matteo Darmian arrive from Olympiacos and Torino respectively , with Tenerifes young striker Suarez Omar Walsall duo Panagiotis TachtsIdis and Nascimento Rhayner.

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BORGNINE HOLDS

ONTO HIS CROWN JEWELS.

phil.oakey.doesnt.live.therePhil Oakey Writes.... Sheffield United boss the mysterious Ernie Borgnine, admitted he was counting the days to the start of the new season as he told of his optimism of an early return to the big time for the Blades. The media shy Borgnine spoke from St Mary's after tonights entertaining 4-4 draw friendly with Southampton. With the recent departures of elder statesmen Richardo ' little Dickie' Carvalho and Miroslav Klose, the game saw what fans hope is to be a brave new era for United as Borgnine fielded what is the side that is likely to form the backbone of this season promotion push. Perhaps most notable was the role played by Ever Banega as the young Argentinian took over Gareth Barrys captain arm band and the inclusion of young frontman Antoine Griezmann.

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An optimistic Borgnine

Whilst the lively Griezmann provided an ever willing outlet on the left side of a 3 man attack it was impressive Banega that drew the plaudits in a mature midfield performance alongside Barry and Mathieu Valbuena, setting up one and scoring Uniteds 78th minute equailiser with a stunning drive after good work by defender Stefan Radu. With the rumour mill speculating that Borgnine considering using one or both of the pair to tempt Arsenal boss Said Sharif into parting with want away David Villa, Borgnine was quick to scorch any such talk by declaring via his spaceman helmet's microphone......

I'm happy to admit that I did enquire about the availability of Villa but there was never any possibility of either Ever or Antoine being part of the deal. Yes there was a proposal put on the table from Said but that is as far as it was going to get. Both players are vital to not only the forthcoming season but for seasons to come and I can assure you neither will be leaving. I feel we are in a great position here at United, we have an extremely talented squad with both depth and experience and are in great shape to expect to figure prominently in this seasons promotion race. Whilst I am delighted with the squad i am of course always looking to strengthen and add quality should the opportunity arise. We are going to try a few things in the forthcoming pre-season friendlies and I am hopeful that will harness the great spirit within the squad ahead of our SMFA Super cup meeting with Manchester United. Despite looking forward to another campaign in Europe obviously promotion back to division one must be this seasons primary objective and I think I can speak for the players when I say that we are counting the days until we can get started with a tough opening game against Bolton.
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COLEMAN RAVAGES YA MAN BORGNINE

mike_brearley-50x50.jpgMike Brearley writes...Just hours after a narrow 2-1 super cup defeat at the hands of Manchester United, Blades boss Ernie Borgnines pre season preparations were thrown into turmoil after an ultimatum by promising Irish defender Seamus Coleman. With less than 24 hours before the seasons opener against Bolton the 24 year old Coleman took to twitter to openly voice to his 20,000 followers his intentions to leave Bramall lane unless he sees more first team action. In the short message, posted from the bench half way through tonight’s game the frustrated Coleman declared ..

Ohh be Jaysus, oim bored sitting ere watching dis rubbish, Steffan Radu is playing loike an ole O'Conall street tart, an ta be sure oi shad be out dere on da field. I've ad enufff ov dis , an when da games over oim off ta see ya man Borgnine an tell im unless oi get ta start a few games dis season oim off.#Oim bored at United, ta be sure.

Despite being recognised as one of the countries up and coming talents Coleman has found himself somewhat of a bit player since his arrival from Wolves at the start of last season, making just 5 appearances as he struggled to usurp Glen Johnson in the right back berth. Despite Coleman being watched by both Fulham and Walsall, insiders at the club are speculating that Borgnine may well look to stamp his authority on the squad by ignoring the restless stars outburst and relegating him to the reserves and litter picking the Bramall lane car park on match day.

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Want away Irish defender Coleman

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PODOLSKI RETURN MARRED BY FUNDIMENTALIST FURY

admiral_samuel_hood_1st_viscount_hood_1784_sticker-rd4f4579df5254afa8ae77bbc99e4b1b0_v9wf3_8byvr_50.jpgAdmiral Samuel Hood Writes...Barely a season after leaving for Sunderland, German frontman Lukas Podolski made a stunning return to Bramall lane as an increasingly desperate Ernest Borgnine finally found a striker to replace the recently departed Miraslav Klose. With veteran Klose enjoying a fine run of form at Wallsall, Borgnines Sheffield United have made a poor start to life in division 2 scoring just one goal and picking up one point in three outings. The lack of firepower was clearly evident this weekend when as despite creating the lions share of chances, United once more failed to hit the target before eventually losing out to a single Paulo Ganso goal in the one nil defeat at Coventry. Since Klose's departure at the start of teh season, Borgnine has been on the trail of several strikers and is believed to have tabled bids for Arsenals David Villa, Portsmouths Bafetimbi Gomis and most recently Accrington Stanleys Wilf Bony.

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G.A.S.H demonstrators, Blades boss Ernest Borgnine and a smiling Podolski.

Following the breakdown of successive negotiations, and with Borgnine becoming increasingly concerned at the poor form of the unsettled Patrick Helmes, he once more resumed long standing discussions with Sunderland boss Raz Raison_d’être to explore the potential return of the former Blades star. In an extraordinary turn of events, it transpired that Raisen _d’être has long had his eyes firmly set on the return to Roker Park of young winger Antoine Griezmann, who left as one half of the initial part exchange deal between the clubs for Podolski back in March of this year. Following late night negotiations between Borgnine and Raisen _d’être, a deal was quickly struck which, along with £6.5 million sees Griezmann returning to the North East in return for the services 28 year Podolski. Whilst no doubt the United faithful will be hoping Podolskis return will provide a timely boost to the clubs fortunes, one group of Blades fans patience appears to have snapped and have taken to the streets to voice their discontent at the clubs season so far, as soccer fundamentalism once more reared its ugly head in noisy demonstration outside the clubs training ground.

A group of around 200 G.A.S.H ( Godly against soccer heresy) supporters arrived at the Shirecliffe academy shortly before 9am this morning armed with life size photographs of the recently deceased Hugh ( shark bait) Latimer and placards demanding greater adherence to biblical ball control and the introduction of hard line training methods such as fasting and flagellation. The impromptu prayer meeting lasted for best part of the day before dispersing around 2pm and whilst the atmosphere remained largely good natured, Yorkshire Police are said to be concerned at the presence within the crowd of G.A.S.H extremists (the feared psalm18) rumoured to include the notorious Shorpe based footballing firebrand Herbert Cumquat. Speaking this evening, burka wearing Blades boss Borgnine was quick to play down the demonstration as he spoke at his delight in capturing Podolski...

..whilst i have made no secret of my own deeply founded belief in soccer purity, i think its unfair on the team to label them un-Godly. And whilst we haven't started well, its a long season and i can assure you we are all working hard to achieve our goal in returning to the first division at our first attempt. Lukas's return today is a huge step forward for the club and whilst its obviously a great pity to lose young Antoine, i am certain it will prove to be a great deal for both Sunderland and Sheffield United alike.
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HERSEY AT BRAMALL LANE SPARKS RIOT

photo.jpgJohn Entwhislte Writes... There were shocking events at Bramall lane tonight after widespread crowd disorder saw 45 arrests and left six Police officers requiring hospital treatment. In scenes reminiscent of the 1980's, Police barely contained rioting members of the G.A.S.H ( Godly against soccer heresy) movement as the rioting football fundamentalists disrupted the division 2 fixture between Sheffield United and Aston Villa. Before the game Police intelligence units had warned of the possibility of violence as rumours circulated that Sheffield based G.A.S.H members were planning a '' lets sweep Satan from football'' demonstration earlier in the afternoon with a massed procession of symbolic brooms. It was then predicted the members were likely to attempt to continue their protest at the game specifically targeting the visiting team at their continued use of the 3-5-2 system. Forearmed with the intelligence elite members of Sheffield constabulary’s riot squad intercepted the massed ranks of broom waving fundamentalists and after a tense, hour long stand-off managed to peacefully disarm the crowd by confiscating over 400 assorted brooms and brushes.

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Sweep Satan from soccer protesters, Police struggle to contain G.A.S.H thugs, Hooligan provokes Police with offensive praying

Despite the early success Police were taking no chances and continued to maintain a highly visible presence particularly around the cities holy places, with officers stationed outside all local Churches and Christian bookshops. With the afternoon passing with no arrests, senior officers were hopeful that the threat of trouble had been contained, sadly their optimism was unfounded as unbeknown to the authorities, a large contingent of ultra puritan extremists from the G.A.SH breakaway group Psalm18, had infiltrated the home supporters and entered the ground. As the minutes ticked down to kick off there was a noticeably hostile atmosphere as sections of the ground broke out in ritual psalm singing and offensive prayer and as surprised Police and stewards raced to cordon off the Borough Road enclosure, the powder keg atmosphere within Bramall lane erupted as the chanting members of G.A.S.H reacted in fury as United not Villa, kicked off the game sporting the unmistakable shape of the 3-5-2 holding formation.

As the game got underway Police struggled to contain scores of livid Psalm18 hooligans as they surged ominously towards the pitch and despite urgent tannoy appeals for calm several missiles ( believed to be crucifixes) were seen being thrown towards Police lines and the home dugout. With the game continuing in the back ground the Police line held firm and with the arrival of reinforcements the thuggish element were pushed into one corner of the stadium where they continued to chant psalms and threats of heavenly retribution to Blades boss Ernie Borgnine. After the game Superintendent Proudsnout of Sheffield Police issued the following statement....

Sheffield Police and SMFA are this evening continuing to investigate serious scenes of spiritual violence and disorder in the Sheffield United home end at tonights division 2 fixture against Aston Villa.I would like to add that officers made 45 arrests within the ground for various public order offences and that I anticipate further arrests as our enquiries continue. I would like to take this opportunity to pay tribute to my officers whose bravery and professionalism whilst under constant attack and provocation, contained and ultimately prevented a serious outbreak of mindless and premeditated violence.

With the shameful violence grabbing all the headlines, the game itself saw a marked improvement from United as the switch to 3-5-2 paid dividends with a confident performance against a well organised Aston Villa. After a goalless first half littered with chances at both ends, the visitors struck the first blow shortly before the hour mark as a rampaging Phil Jagielka rammed home a close range shot after a determined Lars Bender caused havoc within the United penalty. The Midlanders hard won advantage lasted barely two minutes as incredibly United drew level with a neatly flicked header from debut boy Luckas Podolski. The point sees the Blades remain second from bottom ahead of teh weekends visit to Vicarage road to face mid table Watford.

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Re: Margaret's EC106 post collection.

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BORGNINE EMBRACES MOTHER EARTH, THE ELEMENTS AND THE UNIVERSE IN BID TO SECURE PROMOTION..

rsroh2010_normal.jpgRichard Stillgoe writes...Despite suffering the double heartbreak of narrowly missing out on a Europa cup final spot, and being pipped to a play-off finish by the smallest of margins, Sheffield United boss Ernest Borgnine tonight broke a near season long silence to voice his satisfaction at his teams performance. Following the Blades relegation from division 1 the season before, the appointment of the unknown Borgnine caused quite a stir down Bramall lane as he stubbornly refused to reveal his face and after appearing in a succession of disguises led many to speculate as to his true identity.

Coupled with his confusing apparel and an uneasy start to life in the second tier which saw the lacklustre Yorkshire outfit spending the first half of the campaign hovering dangerously near the drop zone, many at the club were openly questioning Borgnines unorthodox approach. Happily for the under pressure Borgnine, the jeers soon turned to cheers when a change in back room staff and a tactical shift to a belligerent 4-5-1 formation, was rewarded with a slow creep up the table before a record breaking seven game wining streak saw United beaten to a play-off finish by sixth placed Burnley by a single point. Despite the pleasing end to teh campaign , Borgnine has continued to shun the press and so it came as some surprise today as he made his first appearance in months with an impromptu press conference to signal the opening of the new Sheffield United sponsored '' Aboriginal and Indigenous persons spiritual replenishment drop in centre'' in the cities bustling Medowhall shopping mail.

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Ernest Borgnine, Boy God Tula and Meher Roy

Speaking alongside coaches Meher Roy 'kaftan' Davis, and boy God Tula the resplendent, Borgnine once more drew shocked stares from unsuspecting local hacks as he appeared clad in what they were later told was his home made homage to the Arapaho bird spirit, but there was no doubting the authenticity of his crows of satisfaction as he declared....

'' ...I'm thrilled by the progress the lads have made at restoring some much needed good Karma here at the club and both me and Meher Roy cannot fault their collective and unstinting commitment to returning to the club to the higher plain that is division one. After a poor start we have learned that key to success both on and off the pitch is the ridding of unnecessary thoughts and distractions and to escape from the restrictive confines of our physical entity and the so called established footballing doctrines as are practiced by many throughout the league. It was to this end that I first brought Meher Roy to the club, and his wisdom and spiritual guidance has allowed us to learn to harness the forgotten forces of Mother Earth, the Elements and the wider universe and combine them with the all knowing wisdom of our ancient forebears from around the globe, to form in bodily and mental conjuncture with our brothers and sisters of the animal kingdom. Whilst I am first to admit these are joyous but early days of realisation here at the club and clearly, as has been foretold, none of us are quiet sure of the path which we may find ourselves drawn to take, I am confident that now unleashed these forces will allow us to transcend the restrictions of those the less favoured and our resurgent spiritual empowerment will inevitably lead us to fulfil our earthly goal and solve the paradox of returning to division one. To assist Meher Roy in guiding us on our path we have have appointed a specialist coaching team who through inner exploration, diet and vigorous training methods are right now preparing the lads for next season, for example the Boy God Tula. Despite being completely mute Tula has proved completely invaluable in half time team talks as through a combination of low and ultra high frequency moaning he restores players to full fitness often curing minor knocks and injuries along the way. Friends , you would not believe the effect he has on the lads when after being set before him the injured often spring to their feet begging to be let back out on the pitch, such is his power. ''

Elsewhere at Bramall, speculation mounts that want away right back Seamus Coleman may finally be one step nearer to sealing his long desire move to promotion rivals Walsall. Despite establishing himself in the right back birth towards the end of the season, the young Irishman remains unhappy at the club. An insider has revealed that Coleman is less than enamored by Borgnines unusual new approach to management and matters come to a head after the player refused to obey a direct instruction from new club dietitian Kwang Quo and indulge in a tasty pre-match meal of organic Wichty worms. The refusal may well come as the final straw in what has been a long running saga, as the Sheffield man looks to bolster his front line using Coleman as bait in a bid to capture young Dutch man Ola John.

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Grubs up !!

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Re: Margaret's EC106 post collection.

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BORGNINE FALLS FOWL OF FURIOUS CHICKEN LOVERS

5265.jpgPhil Oakley Writes..Ernie Borgnine tonight faced an angry backlash from animal lovers tonight as it emerged the Sheffield United boss has taken to practising animal sacrifice as a means of deciding any potential transfer dealings. The story broke shortly after the Blades official website confirmed that the imminent departure of promising young midfielder Simon Kjaer in an exchange deal for want away Sunderland hitman Burak Yilmaz, was concluded by the ancient practice of haruspicy. The controversial process, in which the warm entrails of a recently slaughtered animal, normally a bird, are examined for omens of good fortune dates from ancient Rome and whilst rarely used in top flight football nowadays will be seen by many as further evidence of Borgnines continued commitment to alternative coaching methods.

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Simon Kjaer, chicken, Meher Roy

According to an unnamed source at the club, the controversial dissection was performed at half time in tonights 1-1 draw with Crystal Palace by blood splattered Blades head coach Meher Roy 'Kaftan' Davis BUT the bird WAS suitably stunned beforehand, possibly with a spare size 10 football boot before any incisions were made. Nevertheless such assurances have done little to dampen the fury as the club have found themselves under siege by emotional chicken lovers. Speaking on radio Sheffield tonight, the head of the British poultry protection league( BPPL) Maureen Stapleton raged..

I am both shocked and to be honest more than a little livid that Borgnine has resorted to this cruel method of deciding Uniteds transfer policy. We at the BPPL have waged a long campaign to see the barbaric practice of ritual animal sacrifice stamped out in professional football, and to hear that a club of Sheffield Uniteds stature is partaking in wanton acts of murder sets our cause back by years. Lets be clear aside from the quick ring of the neck there is no kind way to kill a chicken, but to open them up on a dressing room floor is bloody disgusting. In recent scientific studies in America its been proved that chickens are at least as intelligent and sensitive as Dolphins and I shudder to imagine the terror the poor creature would have felt as it was sliced open in front of a baying mob of footballers. I can assure you that this matter will not be taken lightly and that we at the PPL will meet with other concerned parties including Bill Oddie and the RSPB to formulate a suitable and measured response to this atrocity.
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BBC LABEL MALONE A COWBOY

11307821.jpg Mick Jones writes........Still reeling from recent accusations of match fixing besieged Liverpool boss Dan Malone finds himself in hot water this morning after a investigative team from the BBCs consumer show 'Cowboy builders' accused the part time painter and decorator of awful workmanship and exorbitant prices. Scotsman Malone set up his painting and decorating company DM painters and decorators during his time at cash strapped Huddersfield when after being forced to redecorate the away teams changing rooms discovered himself quite handy with a brush and roller. Seizing the opportunity to earn some quick extracurricular readies, Malone started off with little jobs around his home town of Glasgow. As work picked up Malone has since progressed from a word of mouth one man band into quite a successful outfit taking on bigger jobs and even placing an advert in the local press. A source at the BBC has confirmed that Malone came to their attention after they were contacted by 96 year old Mrs Evans of Baillieston who claimed '' they charged me 300 pounds and have done a bloody awful job on my hall''. Deciding to investigate, the programme set up a sting operation and with an actress posing as a elderly spinster they contacted Malone to carry out a similar job on a rented property in the outskirts of the city. Prior to calling Malone an independent expert told the programme makers that a quick lick of gloss around the skirting's, two coats of white on the lid and the same again in magnolia on the walls should only take a day and a half and typically would only cost around one hundred and fifty pounds.

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Hughes, Melinda Messinger, Mrs Evans

Filmed by hidden cameras Malone is shown turning up at the house and quoting around 7 times that amount for the work, as he tells the actress..

dear oh dear missus, I can see your in a right pickle here, see what you have is damp in the ceiling and all this plaster is blown, it all needs to come down you know. The paint won't stick see, and what will happen is the weight of it will peel the plaster of the walls and it could land on your head. Even worse the ceiling could come down and cause a chain reaction that could make the roof fall off. Oh no this is not a quick job you know, it all needs doing again, I wouldn't normally take this kind of work on but your a nice old lady, a bit like my mum and so I am prepared to make an exception. If you can pay me in advance so I can get the materials i can have my specialist builder around here first thing on Monday morning and he an make a start.

With the programme scheduled to be shown in the spring, viewers will be shocked to see....

  • That the specialist builder turned out to Malones brother in-law Dessie Hughes an unemployed Glasgow delivery driver.

  • Work starting three days late and lasted for 2 hours before he left for an emegency job

  • Returning again the following week Hughes proceeded to hack off great areas of plaster before leaving the place in a terrible state.

  • Unable to carry out the plastering Hughes called in Malone who in between barking orders down the phone to his second in charge at Anfield took all day to complete the work.

  • Malone urinating in the kitchen sink before helping himself the biscuits

  • Malone claiming the plaster needing 4 weeks to harden off, before ignoring 45 calls to get him to return

  • Malone charging our actress an extra 150 pounds for specialist paint brushes and rollers.

  • The callous pair laughing as they drew a moustache on a picture of the actress's assumed dead second world war hero husband

When confronted outside his home by the programmes presenter Melinda Messinger a shocked Malone can be heard saying..

I don't know what you are talking you old cow, now get off my property and sod off before I get a few girls from my local around here to give you a good kicking..
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Re: Margaret's EC106 post collection.

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LATIMER LIVES !!!!!

e323105ff14ba4028d39bf4386c79fa2_normal.jpegA stunned Cat Stevens Writes...At a packed Bramall lane conference room this morning, hordes of shocked reporters were left open mouthed at possibly the most extraordinary press conference in EC7046 history. When after months of speculation Sheffield United boss Ernest Borgnine finally took of his mask to reveal himself as none other than the footballing cleric and clearly no longer deceased leader of the Godly against soccer heresy movement (G.A.S.H.)Hugh Latimer. Few could have predicted the extraordinary events that were to unfold as the gathered gentlemen (?) of the press quietly waited for what promised to be a rare but uneventful press briefing from reclusive Sheffield United boss Borgnine.

The silence was broken when in a fanfare of trumpets the Sheffield man arrived resplendently disguised as Queen Elizabeth I of England. That was all to change when within minutes of her majesty regally rearranging her royal personage upon the makeshift press room throne, her highness slowly and silently removed her crown. With the confused press pack looking on, a lady in waiting began to wipe off layer upon layer of alabaster coloured lead make-up from the ginger bonced monarch’s delicate face. As the toxic muck was slowly scrapped off, the trade mark grey goatee beard and chiselled good looks of Latimer began to emerge. With the make-up finally removed, the lady waiting took off the virgin Queens ermine cloak and unbuttoned her highness’s painfully tight whalebone and silk bodice with flowing skirts, before letting them fall to the ground to reveal a familiar looking sack cloth cloak.As the hacks sat open mouthed at the strange apparition in front of them, a startled voice at the back of the room cried '' The Lord be praised... Its Latimer !!’’.

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A reborn Hugh Latimer

With the subterfuge nearly over, the transformation was complete as her ever so high Royalness tugged at her curly carrot coloured wig to reveal the closely shaven head of Latimer. Exchanging his ceremonial orb and sceptre for his trade mark soccer coaching Bible, Latimer donned his humble Tudor bonnet and with the flick of a knurly hand dismissed the royal entourage of ladies in waiting, Pikemen, fools and greyhounds. Holding his Bible aloft to silence the stunned journo’s spontaneous cries of Hallelujah, Latimer sat back on the throne and boomed...

Yes....it is I Hugh Latimer. After taking the guise of Ernest Borgnine I have returned from the afterlife and come to you on a mission from on high. In my time outside my mortal coil I have looked down from the heavens and tasted the Lords tears as once more the canker of sinful heresy has infested this league. Let me tell you Brothers, of the Lords bitter despondence when he casts his merciful gaze upon this his kingdom on Earth, and the sorrow and sadness he feels at how easily many have been swayed from his righteous path to salvation. And verily let me tell you of his rage at those who once more suckle from the hairy bosom of the beast as they purger their tainted souls with their foul adoption of his blasphemous formation.. Heed my words Brothers and Sisters the Lords vengeance is nigh as the sins of you his children have once more encouraged the rise of the cloven hoofed winged one from his 4th division pit of putridness that was Stockport, to the very heights of the top division.

Repent or be damned to an eternity of hell fire !!, turn thy back on the devils formation or prepared to be probed by his flaming member of Satan’s wickedness !!, and throw thyself to thy miserable knees in worship of the Lord of soccer purity and beg his forgiveness as you seek his guidance on the road to soccer salvation. Now go forth filthy sinners and await his command..

With much of the press rooms on their knees the fiery Latimer rose to his feet and with a last scornful look at the stunned faces that surrounded him left in direction of the Sheffield United training ground. News of Latimers impromptu return from bowels of a great white shark sparked joyous scenes of celebration from the hardcore elements of the faith based football community and within hours G.A.S.H spokesman Herbert Cumquat released this ominous statement on the movements website...

This is truly a miracle and just the wake up call the movement needed. All this soccer secularism has been a disaster for the game and I for one am delighted the Lord has once more granted us the opportunity to redeem ourselves. Whilst we have much work to do brother Hugh has been sent to guide us on our path and I for one am looking forward to sorting outing the stinking degenerates that have dragged the Lords game through the mud. They know who they are and as God is my witness we at G.A.S.H are both willing and able dispensers of the Almighty's justice and retribution...Amen
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Re: Margaret's EC106 post collection.

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HARMANS LABELLED THE SIBLINGS OF SIN !!

NWS_2014-01-31_OPI_014_30491256_I4.JPGLuke Kelly Writes...In a return to the dark days of soccer spiritual conflict, Footballing cleric Hugh '' born again, again'' Latimer today pointed an accusing finger of heresy at the Harman brothers labeling the trio the ''siblings of sin'' as he closed a land mark sermon from Sheffield cathedral. The brothers Tony, Wayne and Josh have enjoyed a growing reputation at their respective clubs Walsall, Acrington Stanley and Bournemouth with both Walsall and Stanley poised to figure strongly in the end of season promotion drive. Nevertheless despite enjoying the respect of their peers Latimer is in no doubt that the real reason behind their success lies not in their collective managerial talent but within a supernatural pact with the devil. Preaching just hours after his return to the land of the living, Latimer has clearly lost none of his former fervor as he entoned....

Dear Lord...

... hear the cry of us lowly sinners as we beseech you to take pity on our self inflicted inadequacies and hear our joyful thanks for the deserved misery of flood, famine and fatigue that you have so generously placed upon us as due punishment for the foul crimes we so carelessly commit against your celestial magnificence.

As we accept your ever-loving spite, we prayerfully ask that you cast your mighty sword of retribution upon those debased sloths the Harman brothers. Hear our faithful cries Lord, that you will act upon the heinous ones for their weekly heresy of deploying the devils formation in all its diseased effrontery. Show these shameless gargoyles, these siblings of sin, these servants of Beelzebub the endless bounds of your loving malevolence by robbing them of the three points they all so shamelessly crave. Teach these undeserving sinners that the true path to soccer salvation is not through oiled fortification ,bat wings, incantations and the craven folly of the despicable 3-5-2 formation but by the strict obedience of the chosen formations as so laid down in your holy teachings....

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Tony,Wayne and Josh Harman

.....Act now Lord to end Walsall's sinful rise to the top of division two, strike down the dreadful Drogba for the rest of the season and reward the pure thoughts of our brothers at Derby with a 2-0 home win. Clearly Lord you too have seen Accrington Stanley's insidious climb into the fourth division play-off spots so we respectfully await in fearful expectation your revenge as you once more cast them back into the pit of blasphemy their wickedness so richly deserves with a wasted journey to the believers of Sheffield Wednesday. And verily we beseech you to continue your punishment of Bournemouth as they prepare to endure their inevitable demise as they plunge into the pit of despair which is the fourth division. Lord hear our prayer as we implore you to reward the faithfulness of James Burrow with a fine 3-0 win in his first game back in charge of the aptly named Pilgrims.

And finally Lord , we ask you to favourably look down upon us here at Sheffield United as we pitifully ask you to spare us anymore injuries or unjust suspensions. Whilst we joyfully accept your will, we ask you for the gift of three vital points in our game against the blasphemous Notts county. Truly Lord they, like the heretical Harmans have mocked you with the use of foul pentangle and so justly deserve to endure your loving wraith in a game we your loyal believers desperately need to win if we are to continue your righteous crusade in the top division....Amen.

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Re: Margaret's EC106 post collection.

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UUUUULLLLLLLAAAAAAAAA

County clobbered by Blades Tripods

Coverphoto_normal.jpgRichard Burton Writes....After a patchy run of form saw Blades dropping out of the play-off spots for the first time since the Autumn,Sheffield United picked up a vital way win last night as recently reborn Soccer cleric Hugh '' but still they came '' Latimer shuffled the Blades pack by reverting to the feared ( 3-4-1-2) tripod formation he used to such indifferent effect in his time at Shorpe.

In an entertaining match United drew first blood when after barely 5 minutes fit again front man Burak Yilmaz, marked his return with a perfectly struck free kick that flew past County keeper following a heavy challenge by Guedes Marcello. Within 5 minutes the Blades hit their second as once more Yilmaz confounded the Co back four laying off a perfectly timed square ball to the on rushing Podolski who blasted past the hapless Moya. Despite the early set backs, County rallied strongly. Coming close with a Fred header on 12 minutes and on the half hour mark a long range effort by Rusmus Elm competently pushed wide by keeper Guaita. With United buckling in the face of mounting County pressure it came as no surprise that the hosts got their just reward five minutes before the half time break as the lively Fred picked up his 8th of the season after a powerful shot narrowly beat the despairing Guaita in the Blades goal.

Sadly for the home supporters any optimism of a second half fight back lasted barely 3 minutes as Yilmaz completed a fine brace when in a near carbon copy of his opener he fired a well placed free kick past Moya after another clumsy challenge by Marcello. With the sting largely taken out of the hosts tail, United settled into a comfortable pattern of containment and despite spirited efforts by County rarely looked in any danger of relinquishing their grip on the game. The victory sees them climb back into sixth spot, 6 points behind second placed Swansea, but crucially just one ahead of 7th placed MK Dons. Speaking after the game , German man of the match Lukas Podolski could barely contain his delight at the result and Latimers unexpected tactical switch telling waiting reporters...

Ja, this was a fine vin for us no?. County are a very gut team unt vee knew it voz going to be a difficult game. Whilst ve battled hard, I think Herr Latimers choice of tactic proved to be zee difference. I have alvays preferred das Tripods over our usual 4-5-1 , I feel it gives us more offensive option unt I feel both myself, Burak unt Adrian benefited greatly. One only hopes it can be used again and does not fall foul to the Tommy bacteria , do you see mein joke there?. Ho ho now who says us Germans have none of you English sense of humour, no?... Incidentally back in zee Fatherland mein great uncle Klaus studied the formation in great detail at the Hamburg Lutheran monastery where he spent zee war years learning the footballing Gospels..he was never a Nazi ok.

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Klaus Podolski, Tripod, Bacteria

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Re: Margaret's EC106 post collection.

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MALONE TOLD ITS SIN NOT VOODOO

275924_1715426084_326475357_q.jpgAntony Eden Writes...Despite another defeat last night, this time at the hands of Manchester united, Liverpool were declared voodoo free this morning after a week long investigation by Sheffield United head of demonic repossessions and reserve team goalkeeping coach Bob Trentbridge. Trentbridge was dispatched to Anfield after this weeks claim by struggling reds boss Dan Malone that his team had been stricken by a curse laid by Fulham boss Dom Latouche. The curse or headless chicken hex as it is known in witchcraft circles, has left the title tipped Liverpool win less in 7 games and along with falling into second place behind Sunderland, dumped out of the English shield and the champions cup. With the under pressure Malone powerless to stop the slide, the increasingly desperate manager sent out a plea for divine intervention after sensationally blaming Latouche. But arriving back in Sheffield this morning for a one to one meeting with Blades boss Hugh ''holier than thou'' Latimer, Trentbridge was clear in his assessment of Liverpools woes as he told waiting reporters..

A curse? No its not voodoo or Latouche who's to blame its good old fashion soccer sin. I must admit when I arrived at Liverpool my first impressions were that the club had fallen under the spell of the occult. The strange smells that hang over desolate streets around the ground, the vacant looks on unkempt passers-by faces and the presence of scores of stray dogs is normally tell tale signs that the devil is at work. My fears increased when I first spoke to Malone, as I struggled to understand his strange language, I was convinced he was speaking in tongues. It was only then it was pointed out to me that Malone is of course Scottish, the streets of Liverpool had actually been cleaned in advance of my visit and the general population indeed often look much worse...

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Liverpool boss Dan Malone

Encouraged, I nevertheless undertook a full exorcism of the ground and I am happy to report I found no evidence of witchery, vodoo or cursation. I found this quite baffling as after watching the game last night I have to say the team appeared both leaden footed and catatonic in their efforts to cancel out Torres's 3rd minute opener. These are of course classic symptoms of hocus pocary and in a final effort to discover the cause I looked back on Liverpools last 7 games. It was there I found the answer, the cause of their demise is the sinful adherence to the devils formation and is of Malones own making. The sudden drop in form started with the 4-3 English shield semi final defeat against Wolves, and it marked a change in Liverpool tactics from a Godly 4-5-1 to the sinful 3-5-2. This disgusting act of blasphemy not only lost Malone the game but flew in the face of the Almighty and has duly invoked his loving rage. Whilst Malone tried to cover his heresey from the ever watchful gaze of the Lord, the random use of tactically placed arrows fools no one especially the creator of the beautiful game. Who can say just how long Malone will continue to feel the wraith of the Lord?, but I for one feel his season is buggered beyond belief. All I can say is Malone has made an ass of himself and I suggest he starts praying in the hope that the Lord has mercy on his darkened soul.
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