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English Championship 7046 Match Reports/Transfer Gossip Thread

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Re: English Championship 7046 Match Reports/Transfer Gossip Thread

Well and truly deserved, Andre - both last night and the season as a whole.

Congratulations and best of luck to The Shots in D2 next season.

As for Norwich, we've probably come up short of an automatic place and look destined for the lottery of the play-offs, again.

Disappointing but could be worse, at least we're still in the running...

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Re: English Championship 7046 Match Reports/Transfer Gossip Thread

DIVISION 3 REVIEW- MATCHDAY 37- PT 1

Congratulations to Andre Guerra and his Aldershot town team who secured the title with a 2-1 win at Norwich City who drop to third . Nzonzi and Konoplyanka scored for the Shots with Ebert getting the consolation for the Canaries.

Shrewsbury Town are up to second after a 3-1 home win versus Rochdale. Kane,Darida and Kalou were on target for the Shrews with Taison getting a goal back for Rochdale.

Gillingham stay in fourth place with a 2-2 draw at home to Chesterfield. A brace from Llorente gave Chesterfield a two goal lead but the Gills fought back in the second half to level with goals from Elyounoussi and Carroll.

Brighton and Hove Albion won 1-0 at home to Exeter City to move up to fifth place. Elias got the winner for Albion just before the interval.

Reading were 4-2 winners at Plymouth Argyle and climb to sixth place in the table. Geis,Raman,Murray and Calhanoglu notched for the Royals with Colback and Mcmanaman netting for Argyle.

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Re: English Championship 7046 Match Reports/Transfer Gossip Thread

DIVISION 3 REVIEW- MATCHDAY 37- PT 2

Birmingham City won 2-0 at home to Barnsley. Zapata and Young got the City goals in the first half.

Coventry City were held to a 1-1 draw at home by Yeovil Town. Lambert gave Yeovil the lead but Allen restored parity when he scored in the seventy first minute.

QPR won 1-0 at home to Wolverhampton Wanderers. Samu got the winner for Rangers just after the half hour mark.

Shorpe United were beaten 2-0 at home by Doncaster Rovers. Marlos and Ki were on target for Doncaster.

Newcastle United brushed aside Colchester United and won 5-1. Toure scored twice for the Magpies with Sneijder,Pastore and Ibrahimovic adding to the tally. Stoch scored for Colchester.

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Re: English Championship 7046 Match Reports/Transfer Gossip Thread

THE END OF DAYS the SEASON

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The top of the table is pretty boring with Man United already crowned fifth time champions and Chelsea and Boro securing their own personal top four berth.That leaves Spurs, Huddersfield, Stoke & Fulham battling for that coveted last top four slot.

In division one there are four teams possible for that last relegation spot, they are Notts Forest, Carlisle, Swansea & MK Dons.One of these illustrious sides will do the walk of shame to division two obscurity alongside the already shamed Watford & Bury.There are a lot of permutations of what can happen but my favourite is Carlisle winning and Notts Forest beating Swansea 1-0, why this would be my favourite scenario is that I ponder what would the outcome would be as Swansea and Notts Forest would be locked on 44 points with the same 47-61 goals scored/conceded; Now who would drop? Would Swansea stay up because they have won a game more or that they are previous division one winners?Or would Mo rake a trip on that now familiar ultimate waterslide to division two just so I can use this cool gif again?

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YOYOMO!

What a final day for the play-offs in division two, you couldn't write this stuff haha.There are four clubs fighting for two play-off spots as the other two are taken (two of these spots will be secured any two of Preston, Walsall, Swindon with Northampton having an outside chance of the automatic promotion spot but not yet guaranteed a play-off spot~with one going up in the automatic promotion spot alongside Sheffield United who are deserved champions and with that they earn a ticket to the promised land.) So fighting bravely for the last two play-off spots we have Northampton 61pts(5th), Ipswich 59pts(6th), Leeds 58pts(7th) & West Ham 57pts(8th).

Relegation is done and dusted with Blackburn, Crystal Palace & Wigan who can all look forward to trips to Spotland and the much maligned Proact stadium next season.

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Division three still has some entertainment in it as Shrewsbury & Norwich battle for that last place to automatically follow Supreme leaders and division three champions Aldershot straight to the glorious Championship with the other getting compensation of a guaranteed play-off slot.After that you have the mighty quartet of Gillingham, Brighton, Reading & Exeter doing a three-way for the remaining three play-off spots, just someone tell the loser of the quartet who misses out that he is not invited to the celebratory three-way as you know how the saying goes ....'Fours a crowd'.

Relegation is already done and dusted and dropping to the bottom rung are Shorpe, QPR and well hit me with a Kevin Keegan bobble-head joining them are the once-mighty-downtrodden-Geordie faithful Newcastle United.

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In division four runaway leaders and champions elect Bournemouth are already joined in their journey to the cage that is division three by Southend United.Hull, Peterborough & Brentford have secured their chance at the play-off lottery so that just leaves Leicester, Wycombe and Leyton Orient battling for that last play-off berth, tense times!

Stockport have officially been awarded the wooden spoon.

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Tomorrow there will be winners, there will be losers with probably a few tears and also some beers, some will be bracing themselves for their chance of play-off glory and the big cash kitty that goes with it.Me I will just be watching from the sidelines in my comfortable low placed but safe from relegation seat.

Well that's all folks, Good luck all.

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Re: English Championship 7046 Match Reports/Transfer Gossip Thread

DIVISION 3 REVIEW- MATCHDAY 38- PT 1

Champions Aldershot Town ended their season with a 3-3 draw at home to Gillingham who dropped to fifth but will contest the play offs. Konoplyanka,Nzonzi and Rodrigo scored for the Shots with Carroll(2) and Elyounoussi replying for the Gills.

Congratulations go to Shrewsbury Town and their manager Jes Steve after they clinched the second automatic promotion place with a 1-0 win at Barnsley. Kalou got the vital goal in the second minute.

Norwich City won 3-0 at Reading and finish third. Clemens,Sahan and Erding netted for the Canaries.

A 1-0 win at Doncaster Rovers saw Brighton and Hove Albion end up fourth in the table and enter the play off lottery. Promes got the winner for Brighton in the second half.

Exeter City earned the final play off place moving up to sixth with a 4-1 home win versus Plymouth Argyle. Adriano bagged all four of the Grecians goals with Carroll getting the Plymouth consolation.

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Re: English Championship 7046 Match Reports/Transfer Gossip Thread

DIVISION 3 REVIEW- MATCHDAY 38- PT 2

Wolverhampton Wanderers lost the Midlands derby against Coventry City 2-0. Ronaldinho and Sigthorsson both netted after the break for City.

Colchester United won 2-1 at home to Chesterfield. Stoch and Caicedo gave United a two goal first half lead with Paloschi getting one back for Chesterfield in the second period.

Newcastle United were 2-1 winners at home to Birmingham City. Ibrahimovic and Tevez scored for the Magpies with Ince on target for Birmingaham.

Shorpe United signed off their miserable season with a 3-1 win at Yeovil Town. Vucinic put the Glovers one up but United hit back with goals from Grassi,Boselli and Fernandez.

Rochdale won 3-0 at home to QPR. Rodriguez,Silva and Walter were on the scoresheet for Rochdale.

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Re: English Championship 7046 Match Reports/Transfer Gossip Thread

Ah, happy days! Was just dipping into my old ImageShack account for that Eto'o pic and I came across many a happy memory there. Forgive me for the indulgence but here are some of my favs over the course of 7046

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Where it all began!

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Balotteli the Vulcan!

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And who can forget the antics of Mr. Samuel?!

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Jooles the Jellyfish

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The woes of Dudeskin, R.I.P.

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Xavi at Boro!

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Belkewitz

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The age of predictions

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Old Latty

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Where's Latty?

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Dom at the end of season awards

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The 3-5-2 fest

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Dan the man

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Milito leads Boro to their 2nd Div 1 title

Ah, happy days indeed :)

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Re: English Championship 7046 Match Reports/Transfer Gossip Thread

End of Season Awards Template

It is that time of year again when we have an awards ceremony to celebrate the best and worst of the season, same as last year it will be a condensed awards as they do take a bit of effort.There are twenty categories copy and paste the awards from the template below and fill out as many or as little as you wish, I have emptied my mailbox so send them to me by mail on here (the forum).The closing date for entries is the 11.59 PM June 1ST.

To all you narcissists remember please don't vote for yourself/your player/your team or your vote will be discounted.

Thanks in advance for your contribution.

D1 Manager of the year

D2 Manager of the year

D3 Manager of the year

D4 Manager of the year

D1 Player of the year

D2 Player of the year

D3 Player of the year

D4 Player of the year

Overall Player of the year

Overall Manager of the year

Young player of the year(must be 23 or under)

Team tipped for big things next season

Newcomer award(Must have joined this season)

Underachiever of the season award

Houdini act

Forum contributor of the year

Forum personality of the year

Highlight/Story of the season

Your best and worst memory from this season(keep it short a sentence on each will suffice for each, add your club name at start of sentence)

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Re: English Championship 7046 Match Reports/Transfer Gossip Thread

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Hands Off Our Eto’o

Warns Boro

Boss Jooles

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Eto’o in Boro’s familiar blue and white

A defiant “hands off” message was issued today from the home of North East football as league interest continues to grow over Samuel Eto’o, the promising youth talent emerging from the ranks of Middlesbrough FC. At just 54 14 years of age, Eto’o is the latest prodigy to spring from Boro’s celebrated youth program that has fostered such talents as Xavi, Eto’o’s dad Walter Samuel and ‘young’ Iker Casillas. Following brief loan spells at Forest, Anzhi, Stoke and West Ham Eto’o has broken onto the scene this season with electrifying performances that have wowed crowds up and down the country with his pace and tireless running up and down the country. With 15 goals in just 21 appearances and a hatful of man of the match appearances to boot the promise of this young lad is immense and his future at the club looks assured for many years to come.

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The boy in action

Sadly a familiar pattern is emerging, however, that echoes the tragic real-life poaching of Rooney from Everton to United, with vultures continuing to prey on little clubs and their top talent. In a stern warning to others Boro have made it clear that young Mr. Eto’o is under no circumstances to be sold to any of the big clubs, Man Utd., Chelsea, Tottenham or Liverpool, or even any of the division stragglers, your Fulhams and Evertons of this world. “Leave the lad alone and let him learn his trade” Boro boss Jooles warned, “they try and get them to grow up too soon these days. Let a boy be a boy.”

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The 7046 vulture culture

Undoubtedly these warnings will likely do little to ward off the more unscrupulous wheelers and dealers in SM’s top echelon. Rumours are already circulating that Sunderland’s Raz is trying to line up a Reus & Hazard for Eto’o swoop, and Man United boss SOAP is also considering just how much of the 50 billion he made from home gates this season he will splash to try and buy success once again. Forest boss BiggaMemo is also considering an extremely low bid for Eto’o in the hope of offloading a couple of old duffers for this rising star. For now though young Samuel is keeping his feet firmly on the ground and is just looking forward to next season. He already speaks fondly of his hat-trick in the 5-1 drubbing of woeful Liverpool, hoping to repeat the feet next season against an actual title contender, and describes him dream of scoring the winning goal to relegate Fulham to the depths Division 2 football where they belong. Ah, we all can dream can’t we? Hope you stick around Walt, you have a great future ahead of you.

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How long before the inevitable Fulham demise?

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The end of season awards are here, firstly I would like to thank every manager of 7046 for just being here yes you are awesome and without you this gameworld would be nothing. I would also like to thank the managers who took their time to fill in the awards votes *slowclap. Right that is that out of the way lets try and get these awards done, forgive me for any errors.

END OF SEASON AWARDS

DIVISION ONE MANAGER OF THE YEAR

SOP/MAN UNITED 18 votes

CHELSEA 3 VOTES

HUDDERSFIELD 2 VOTES

SOP Blitzes his division one rivals to secure an unprecedented fifth Division one title, take a bow my son.

DIVISION ONE PLAYER OF THE YEAR

DIEGO COSTA 10 VOTES

BA 5 VOTES

REUS 3 VOTES

That Columbian drug baron lookalike Costa steals the show as the Division one player of the year.

----------------------------------------------

DIVISION TWO MANAGER OF THE YEAR

DAVID CRAWFORD/SHEFFIELD UNITED 15 VOTES

PAUL GIBSON/SWINDON

GLORYDAYS/ARSENAL 1 VOTE

David Crawford deservedly scoops the Division two manager of the year for guiding his troops to the promised land.

DIVISION TWO PLAYER OF THE YEAR

PODOLSKI 10 VOTES

HUNTELAAR 7 VOTES

ROSSI 4 VOTES

Podolski beat off the challenge of Huntelaar to win the Division two POTY.

-------------------------------------------

DIVISION THREE MANAGER OF THE YEAR

ANDRE GUERRA/ALDERSHOT 15 VOTES

JES STEVE/SHREWSBURY 7 VOTES

EXETER/NORWICH 2 VOTES

Andre, Andre Riba Riba! The Aldershot boss picks up the Division three MOTY award in style.

DIVISION THREE PLAYER OF THE YEAR

BACCA 8 VOTES

FREY/KALOU 5 VOTES

SOW 4 VOTES

Carlos Bacca takes home the Division three POTY closely followed by Frey and Kalou in a tight vote.

------------------------------------------

DIVISION FOUR MANAGER OF THE YEAR

JOSHUA HARMAN/BOURNEMOUTH 21 VOTES

MUALLAN/PETERBOROUGH 3 VOTES

DAVID INGLIS/SOUTHEND 1 VOTE

Josh takes this award for cruising the Division four with relative ease.

DIVISION FOUR PLAYER OF THE YEAR

OSVALDO 23 VOTES

SORIANO/A.HERNANDEZ 1 VOTE

Osvaldo had an awesome season and scoops the Division four POTY award for his troubles.

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OVERALL MANAGER OF THE YEAR

JOSH HARMAN 9 VOTES

SOP 4 VOTES

PAUL GIBSON/DAVID CRAWFORD 3 VOTES

Well to take the overall MOTY award over the Champ shows how good a season Bournemouth had, Josh you are awesome!

OVERALL PLAYER OF THE YEAR

OSVALDO 22 VOTES

BA/COSTA/BALE 1 VOTE

There are not enough superlatives to describe how good a season this lad put in so I will just congratulate Dani with a slow clap.

YOUNG PLAYER OF THE YEAR

LUKAKU 8 VOTES

DE BRUYNE 3 VOTES

NEYMAR/MORATA/INSIGNE/OXLAIDE-CHAMBERLAIN 2 VOTES

Walsall's Lukaku built on last seasons exploits with MK Dons to scoop this years YPOTY award.

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EOS AWARDS PART 2

END OF SEASON AWARDS PART TWO

TEAM TIPPED FOR BIG THINGS NEXT SEASON

Arsenal 4 VOTES

Aldershot 3 VOTES

Carlisle /Ipswich 2 VOTES

Reading

Huddersfield

Millwall

Stoke

Sunderland

Man United

Brighton

Swindon

Fulham (under new management)

Liverpool

MK Dons

Bournemouth

A lot of hope here for the season ahead with Arsenal tipped to shine.

NEWCOMER AWARD

DRSEANFITZ 3 VOTES

MUALLAN 2 VOTES

KYQS/CHRIS HOGG/GOZZY/JOOLES 1 VOTE

Mr Fitz gets the newcomer of the year award not for his managerial talent though just for being here. :)

UNDERACHIEVER OF THE SEASON AWARD

Newcastle 10 Votes

Liverpool 4 votes

Man City 2 votes

Well what can I say? Newcastle relegated to division four that is a sin!

HOUDINI ACT

YoyoMo 16 Votes

MK Dons 2 Votes

Sunderland/Arsenal/Shrewsbury/Exeter 1 Vote

Big Mo escapes relegation with a fine run in the last three games, Houdini who?

FORUM CONTRIBUTOR OF THE YEAR

SMH 18 Votes

Wozlives 3 Votes

Jooles 1 vote

I scoop the FCOTY award which is great, thank you.

FORUM PERSONALITY OF THE YEAR

Jooles 6 Votes

SMH 5 votes

Shack 2 Votes

Smut 1 vote

Jooles pips me for the Forum personality of the year, it is good to have you back.

HIGHLIGHT/STORY OF THE SEASON

Shrewsbury, back to back promotion.

Division 1 relegation battle and Jooles return to take over at Fulham.

I really can’t recall atm! But there’s a lot of funny stories at 7046 gladly .

Liverpool surviving.

Fulham's demise.

Raz's never ending love obsession with Marco Reus lol.

Relegation battle in division 1 (obviously biased here).

Liverpool tinkering with relegation.

Anth and Mo battle for relegation.

Exeter City rising into the play-offs and winning promotion after Chris Hogg took over for the second half of the season.

Osvaldo ending the season with 34 goals and 32 assists.

Osvaldos form. 34 goals, 32 assists in 36 games is amazing.

Mo avoiding the drop/Jooles presence on the thread/Brighton winning the cup.

div 1 relegation battle.

Watching new Man City manager flop.

It would be obvious to say the Div 1 relegation battle or Div 2 promotion one so I'm going to go for Newcastle's fall from grace. To have them in Div 4, with that team, is nuts.

YOUR BEST/WORST MEMORY OF THE SEASON

NORWICH: Reaching the play-offs, losing the play-off semi on penalties...

YEOVIL: For me the biggest plus Yeovil keeping hold of most of the young talent Veltman, Klaasen, Sanson + bringing in some Young talent .

Biggest negative, Yevoil The club wreckers that inhabit too many of our gameworld and take my time away from the clubs I care for.

LIVERPOOL: Best- Having MK Dons, Forest, Swansea, Carlisle, Bury & Watford as rivals for the season, OH yeah and having a good cup season /Worst-The 5-1 defeat to Jooles and 5-0 defeat to Huddersfield tbh the whole league season, dark days.

CARLISLE: The return of Jooles to the forums as the best. My relegation as the worst.

LEICESTER: My best was reaching the playoffs with only 2 losses. My worst was my third loss in the playoff final.

NOTTS FOREST: Worst - Forest going winless in 9 games from mid-Feb to mid-March. Best - Winning 3 in a row to escape relegation.

BLACKBURN: Best memory - the hope at the start of the season. Worst memory - every time I looked at the results.

BURY: Bury getting relegated under poor management.

BRISTOL CITY: Best = Thumping Man City 5-1 away from home Worst = Missing out on the play-offs again!!!

MAN UNITED: Becoming record breaking, trend setting, 5 times First Division Champions.

CHARLTON: Best Memory: A club record equalling 12 game unbeaten run. Charlton Athletic's Worst Memory: Bottom of the table early on in the season.

BOURNEMOUTH - Best memory - Walsall losing play-off final. - Worst memory - Walsall reaching play-offs.

BORO: Boro's? Best memory is waking back up to EC7046. Bought my first players in about 6 seasons and actually found the time to try. 3rd place and a 5-1 whipping of Liverpool was a great season for us Worst memory? Really angry at myself for being too casual and getting knocked out with a 2nd string against Bristol Rovers in the Cup 1/4 final. Also forgot about the SMFA Super Cup so didn't set tactics, but that's all mickey mouse anyway so yeah, the cup was ours this year and we blew it.

ALDERSHOT: Winning Division 3 means no bad memories!

MK DONS: Being in the bottom 4 for so long!

Well that's all folks I struggled to add the pictures in so the awards are a bit plain, anyhow roll on season 13.

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The Missing

A.K.A.

After the Apocalypse

Reports vary widely on how or even when it happened. All that is known is that several weeks ago, on Wednesday May 27, without warning, the world as we know it was turned upside down. Plucky survivors are only now emerging from this cataclysmic event. Slowly they have been gathering in familiar places, bonding together, and dazed and shaken they are trying making sense of events and pick up the pieces of their broken world.

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Periodic poster Boro boss Jooles was one of the first to stumble his way onto the now unfamiliar 7046 thread. Soon he was joined by others, Liverpool’s Dan the man, former Derby failure Nikidinho, then tentatively bigtunna , mistermalcom, and hog0101, who cussed and bemoaned their way onto what was now seemingly passing as the forum. “Everything went black for a while” recounted Carlisle manager Alurcard, “and then I was surrounded by a brilliant white light, in place of the familiar green pastures of old. At first I thought I’d died and that this was heaven,” Anth continued, “But then I realised I was in hell.” It was not clear, however, of whether he was describing the new forum or life in division 2.

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In the days following the apocalypse one by one familiar faces were found and guided to the safety of familiar pastures. Millwall boss Craig was found naked and shivering in his blog; Biggamemo was discovered wedged in a tiny space between divisions 1 and 2; and touchingly, Man United supremo SOAP was found huddled together with Fulham boss Dom Latchouce in the vast expanse of the empty Craven Cottage trophy room doing whatever was needed to keep each other warm and comforted.

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It has yet to be confirmed whether the ‘happening’ was a deliberate SM attempt to subvert the EC7046 end of season voting or not, or whether it was orchestrated by sirmarkhughes to allow Liverpool to slip into the SMFA Cup under the cover of darkness. As many point out the timing with the end of votes was particularly uncanny but SM spokesman have denied any such plot, instead asking that you submit a ticket and they get back to you to close it in a couple of months. For now though, survivors are resigned to their fate and struggle on as best they can in this strange new world. As to where everyone else has gone, nobody knows, but if you come across these missing souls please lead them safely to of the EC7046 discussion thread, lest that world, and others like it, disappears forever in this strange white wasteland we find ourselves inhabiting. The future is bleak, but for the sake of our children's children we must struggle on...

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The Daggers : Transfer News

Important squad changes at Daggenham & Redbridge F.C. after they unveiled their new manager Mark M.

The officials from the Daggers had a busy week, making 16 transfers in and 9 transfer out in the past 6 days.

The club's main targets Denys Boyko, Kostas Mitroglou, Darko Lazovic, Khouma Babacar, Paul-Jose MPoku

and Filip Kostic arrived at Victoria Road. Andre Andre, another target of the new coach, moved to Leicester.

Young talents like Ivan Sunjic, Recep Niyaz, Miladin Stevanovic, Sasa Zdjelar, Andrija Lukovic, Enzo Crivelli,

Bogdan Sarnavskiy, Kyoung-Rok Choi, Dominique Heintz and Ivaylo Chochev signed with Dag & Red F.C.

Some players had to leave Dagenham: Barnetta, Ndinga, Ryazantsev, Germain, Pektemek, Ostrzolek, Heitinga,

Taylor and Bruce ended their contracts with the Daggers at the start of last week and moved to new teams...

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Denys Boyko (27) joins Dagenham from Dnipro Dnipropetrovsk, Ukraine.

The 88 rated GK will be the Daggers first choice after Mulders' departure.

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Konstantinos Mitroglou (27) was transferred from Olympiacos Piraeus, Greece.

Also rated 88, the Greek CF will provide more attacking force for Dagenham.

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Dagenham & Redbridge F.C. - Accrington Stanley

3 - 1

(Chochev, McEachran, Walters / Traore)

First victory for the Daggers under the new management comes on home ground against Stanley.

Dagenham opened the score in the 33rd minute, when M'Poku found Chochev with a good cross.

But Accrington managed to equalize soon after the half-time: Traore scored with a well placed shot.

McEachran replaced Chochev in the 60th minute and the English midfielder scored after just 1 min.

Same M'Poku assisted Walters at the third goal for Dag & Red, in the 82nd minute of game time.

A really good performance from all the players last night, moved up to #11 place after this turn.

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MOTM: Bulgarian midfielder Ivaylo Chochev.

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Nottingham Forest Manager Rejects Spurs Offer

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In the past couple of days, speculation has been rife that Nottingham Forest manager BigGameMo would leave Nottingham for Spurs, the club he always supported as a boy. Today, BigGameMo has decided to address these rumors:

First, I would like to confirm that I was indeed contacted by Tottenham and Daniel Levy regarding their vacant manager position. I was brought in, give a tour of White Hart Lane and given an opportunity to meet with each of the players. I would like to thank the club for considering me and giving me the opportunity to achieve a dream I've had since I was a child.

However, now is not the time to make the move away from Forest. A couple of seasons ago, when were in 35 million pounds of debt and in division 2, I would've jumped at the opportunity. But together with the board and my players, we've made great progress at the club, to the point that we are now similar in size and squad value to a club like Spurs. I wish Spurs the best when they are not playing against us, but I believe that there is much room left for growth at Forest, especially if we can make the SMFA Shield next season by finishing in the top 10.

Giving his thoughts on the season, BigGameMo had this to say:

It has been bumpier than hoped, with losses to Charlton Athletic and MK Dons being particularly disappointing, but I was very pleased with our victory over Sheffield United and believe we can build on that victory. It's still early days, and while 8 losses in 14 is poor form for the club, a winning streak and a little luck in the injury department should allow us to really push forward.

I am pleased with the improved ratings we've gotten around the pitch. Busta and Monreal's +1s have made them much stronger full-backs, and I'm hopeful that Mathieu, Salah and Musa will also get the bumps they deserve. Several of our youth have made significant leaps forward as well; hopefully they can push on and join the starting lineup in a couple of seasons.

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FALCON HOVERS OVER EC 7046

photo.jpg?sz=50Jet Black Writes.....The financial capitals of the world were abuzz this evening with rumours that white goods giants, Falcon Incorporated are posed to move into ownership of a top EC 7046 club. Over the last two quarters the far East conglomerate has moved to the top of the stock exchange and now dominates the ulta competitive slitty, slanty, cheapy, nasty ,chinky ,chonky, knicky, knacky manufacturing market. Employing over 500 hundred thousand people world wide the company is the brainchild of former unemployed Gateshead binman Aflie Peregrine.

Peregrine, who made headlines last year after scooping over £500 million in a record breaking Euro millions win has reputedly squandering millions on a lavish lifestyle of luxury homes, high class travel, flash cars and boozy parties with hordes of glamorous ( and mainly ) buxom escort girls. Never far from the headlines many thought the 46 year old was destined to end up penniless and back on the dust after a bitter divorce settlement and unsuccessful liable case saw him pay millions in legal fees to OK magazine.

Nevertheless Peregrine clearly has the financial nous to match his 58 inch waste, as only last week he appeared in the Times rich list in third place ahead of Sir Lord Elton John. Whilst Peregrines business intentions remain shrouded in mystery, insiders claim he is determined to establish Falcon as a household name here in the UK , and whatever the lucky club turns out to be its surely in for a multi million yen investment from its huge parent company.

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ROONEY AND GRAY OUT AS SMH RIDS HIMSELF OF ENGLISHMEN AT THE CLUB (pt 1)

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Gareth Bale joins up at Liverpool and will now focus on helping to deliver the title this season, I am looking forward to playing alongside Neuer, Godin, Muller and Silva to name but a few.... Oh yeah I almost forgot especially Suarez as I think we will form a great partnership, he is special.

ROONEY PACKS HIS BAGS AMIDST ANTI-ENGLISHMEN STORM

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Club legend Wayne Rooney who was one of manager SMH's first signings when he took over the club has been transferred to Tottenham in a deal which also sees recently acquired 20M signing Nicolas Gaitan pack his bags alongside 2M cash for Welsh attacking player Gareth Bale.

To further add to this controversy young English kid Demerai Gray was also traded out the club along with 2.9M & 70 rated Swede Isac Lidberg for 20 yold Turkish prospect Ozan Tufan in a deal with West Ham.

New starting XI

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ROONEY AND GRAY OUT AS SMH RIDS HIMSELF OF ENGLISHMEN AT THE CLUB (pt 2)

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Rooney ~ To be completely honest this transfer has came our of the blue and I am still baffled and in shock.

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Gaitan ~ I only just got here I feel let down by the manager, I have barely made double figure appearances so haven't even been given a real chance.

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Bale ~ I have always dreamed of moving to Liverpool and one day being club captain so this is fantastic, I am ecstatic.

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Tufan~ It is a dream move now I just have to work hard and get in the first team.

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Gray~ I feel violated. (Haha stole that from Family Guy)

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Lidberg~ Hmm no one cares what I say, SM haven't even gave me a face yet.

SMH didn't want to go into the specifics of how the transfer came about but he said he is very pleased that Liverpool could attract a talent such as Gareth who has just turned twenty-six so should just be about to reach his prime. Liverpool fans may be sad to see the Legendary Rooney leave but I am sure Bale will take no time to show them that he can step up to be the clubs new talisman.Signing Tufan was done with one eye on the future as I think the kid has talent. YNWA

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THE FALCON HAS LANDED !!

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936372_554429964608138_1891208024_n.png?oh=13b92225933c11e81aa2206239fb1e01&oe=560FB10A&__gda__=1448536031_b1199af5a79c284c0977ce6badf6cf02Derek Griffiths Writes....Euromillions winner come manufacturing magnet come football manager Alfie Peregrine today spoke of his joy at taking over the reigns at third division stragglers Peterborough United. In a first for EC7046 the former bin man not only takes over the managing of the first team but as CEO of Falcon Incorporated becomes the sole owner of the club. Whilst many suspect Peregrines move into club ownership is a deliberate ploy to establish Falcon as the UK's number one retailing manufacturer of bottom end home and lifestyle products, Peregrine was quick to outline his commitment to the club as he told waiting hacks.....

'' I speak me mind me, so lets be clear from the start shall we ?. Rumours that I am using …... as a corporate stepping stone to raise Falcons profile here in the UK is bloody nonsense. For a start we at Falcon are already South East Asia’s number one manufacturer of multifaceted home utility items, we are riding high at the top of the London stock exchange and millions of our products are used throughout the EU. I'd wager there’s not a home in the land that doesn’'t have a Falcon product in it. Take a look under your mouse mat , on the side of your clothes pegs or stamped on the bottom of your toaster and i'll bet you a pound to pinch you'll find the Falcon crest. I think its fair to say we at Falcon play a vital part in peoples everyday life, image going back to the bad old days of people having to part with their hard earned cash on shoddy UK goods...sod that I say.

We already employ hundreds of thousands of people throughout Asia, and as we speak the little devils are toiling hard on the production lines in our many factories in China and Indonesia making the competitively priced quality goods that we at Falcon have become synonymous with. And while I'm on the subject, i'd like to once more refute any allegations of slave labour and sweatshops. We have been through this before, our workshops are state of the art and all carry the regional industry bronze standard as awarded by the Chinese government. I don't care what bloody Panorama says theres nowt wrong with our factories and let me assure you if I heard any different i'd be the first to act.

Of course some will wonder at my motives of buying United , its nothing to do with tax, the Falcon brand or a move into the retail sector here in the UK. See first and foremost I'm a footballing fan, before I got laid off of the bins I was a regular at Ayresome park. I remember the glory days of Irving Nattress, Mark Procter and good old Bernie Slaven, footballs in my blood, I love the game and whilst I don't claim to have any managerial experience but as Falcon has proved I'm a winner me. I'm certain that if I apply the same core principles that I have done at Falcon we will be a great success and before long be up there at the top of the first division. So its with that in mind let me the first to reassure the fans i'm in for the long run and the clubs in safe hands.

ADVERTISMENT

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The Noddle Collar

In conjunction with the news of the new owners at United, Falcon Incorporated are happy to introduce the innovative answer to messy meal times, THE NODDLE COLLAR !!. Imagine tucking into a meal free from the worry of spills or stains?, busy Mums think of the money and time you will save in laundry bills as you try in vain to scrub embarrassing tomato sauce residue from the front of your little ones white school shirts or blouses.

Designed by our scientists in our specialist laboratories and made by our skilled craftsmen in our Bejing production center, each Noodle collar is cast from ultra durable 100% polystyrene. To cater for the whole family the noddle collar is available in a choice of five different colours and sizes. Normally retailing at £5 each, Falcon are happy to offer this ground breaking product to all members of the Peterborough United supporters club at the reduced price of £4.50. This fantastic offer is for a short time only so hurry folks order your NODDLE COLLAR today !!!.

FALCON INCORPORATED

CHINESE QUALITY AT UK PRICES

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Middlesbrough-Where did it all go wrong?

Middlesbrough have a decent pedigree in the top flight, after winning Division two in the inaugural season they have competed in the top flight ever since. They have won the top fight title twice (seasons 4 and 7) but this season they look like they are suffering badly as they are stuck to the bottom spot like a barnacle on the arse of a great white shark.

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Eto'o a few years back

Star players such as Casillas, Xavi, Skrtel, Sagna, Alex, M'bia, Bastos & Eto'o are all on the way down so this could be a factor.

Boro manager Jooles is also a CEO for one of Canada's top maple leaf syrup companies so is he spending too much time there rather than at Boro?

It is the thirteenth season of EC7046 is thirteen really going to turn out to be an unlucky number for Boro?

Boro still manage to put out a 91 rated side so can it be that the side is just not suited to the lazy 3-5-2 lifestyle that they have become accustomed to?

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How many fingers?

Who knows what has gone wrong at Boro but they are five points adrift of safety with a shocking goal difference, for the sake of the many six-fingered North Yorkshirians I hope they get their act together sooner rather than later as at the minute things are starting to look ominous.

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FRANKIE FEVER HITS TOWN

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Frankie is mobbed by happy Dumwitt schoolchildren, Billy the BBC bunny

9smsnMq32Zz8rJ9oWJG8HBvvo3AF2JR7zVSOHDKh7Ch.jpg&width=50The Duke of Cambridge Writes....There were tears of joy this afternoon when Uniteds new mascot Frankie the Falcon made an impromptu visit to a school in one of Peterborough’s most deprived areas. As the children of St Dumwits primary sat quietly enjoying their afternoon milk and healthy snack, slurps turned to laughter when on stage walked six foot tall Frankie. Amid a chorus of cheers he showered the little ones with gifts of Falcon Incorporated toy ironing boards, toasters and a host of other replica novelty household goods. Settling back down the excited youngsters were then treated to a brief on-stage play in which Frankie told them of how Falcon incorporated owner Alfie Peregrine had founded the company to help poor people all over the world enjoy the luxuries of affordable mass produced household items.

Of course no story is complete without a villain as before long Frankie was joined on stage by Billy ''the evil BBC'' Bunny, the children booed and hissed as wicked Billy tried to trick them into believing that Uncle Alfie was an evil man who made lots of money from tiny yellow people kept in terrible places called sweat shops. So upset were the little ones by Billys horrible Panorama lies, one plucky little chap took to the stage and began beating that pesky Wabbit with his Falcon Incorporated novelty meat cleaver. Of course the little ones had nothing to fear as good old Frankie soon came to the rescue as he barged Billy to the ground and with the aid of the several of the children and a good length of Falcon incorporated electric flex gave horrible Billy a thrashing he will never forget. Standing atop of the lifeless rabbit, Frankie went on to deliver a serious warning to the joyful juveniles telling them...

'' So children I hope you have learnt an important lesson today. Never believe what the horrible strangers tell you on the television and never ever believe what you read in the newspapers. The people who own them only tell lies and never the truth, you heard the terrible fibs Billy said about good old Uncle Alfie?, well he wants to trick you into believing everything he says. And if you ever believe him, he will find out and come to your house in the middle of the night, climb through your window and take you away to his cave where he keeps all the other children who have believed his lies. You will never see your Mums and Dads again because while your chained up in his dark cave he will come back to your house and eaten them to death with his big fat lying BBC teeth. ''

To cap what was probably the best and perhaps only Christmas the children will ever have each beaming boy and grinning girl where presented with a Falcon Incorporated goody bag including money off vouchers, sweets, a Falcon Incorporated colour catalogue, a trial sized butter stick and a free child ticket for Uniteds next home game against fellow struggler’s Colchester town.

ADVERTISMENT

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Problems spreading butter on your sandwiches?, hate washing that nasty yellow goo off of your knives?. Well why not try Falcon Incorporateds latest time saving idea '' The Butter stick''. Made from 100% Chinese butter from Nonpongs prized dairy herds and encased in an easily operated 100% polystyrene dispensing unit, the butter stick not only delivers the butter just where you need it, its light weight design makes in portable and mess free.

FALCON INCORPORATED

BUY CHEAP BUY TWICE BUT YOU'LL STILL MAKE A SAVING

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PHUTKETTES IN CALAIS TERROR

998694_160263170828277_2063435305_n.jpg?oh=47d28b91ba06f59717e97c811743ce08&oe=561A2A13&__gda__=1444003200_ce3f5e703e3121b994fe9ba3dd334ae7The Supreme Parabrahma Lord Shiva writes...Ahead of this weekends rescheduled visit from Colchester United there was good news for Posh fans tonight as the club confirmed the arrival of the clubs new dance trope the Phutkettes. The world famous Thai cheerleaders have been granted a 3 month unpaid leave of absence from Falcon Incorporated's Thailand thermoplastic plant to base themselves in Peterborough for the rest of the season. There’s little doubt the United faithful are licking their lips in anticipation of the pint sized yellow yummies swapping their factory overalls for skimpy bikinis to provide scintillating pre-match entertainment but their arrival almost never happened if not for the heroic actions of a Barnsley long distance lorry driver.

After an uneventful five thousand mile dinghy and bus journey from their native Thailand the girls arrived in Calais last night only to be caught up in the chaotic scenes surrounding the port as an estimated 15000 illegal immigrants attempted once more to storm French border controls and enter the UK. As the swarms of unwashed migrants desperately attempted to conceal themselves in lorries waiting to board the cross channel ferry, their attention turned to the Phutkettes bus and before long a mob of around twenty stated trying to force doors and climb onto top in the hope of hiding in the girls luggage. Happily waiting behind in the queue sat Lorry driver Les Nuggent who takes up the story...

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The Phutkettes bus, Lorry driver Les, Bikini bottoms

Aye well there I was waiting to get on the boat when I saw this swarm of bloody foreign types trying to force their way into the van. Now normally I couldn't careless me, I have been using Calais for years now and to be quite honest you get used to this sort of thing. Now don't get me wrong i'm not condoning them and I must admit I have run a few over in my time, just to relieve the boredom like, in fact me and few of the other lads used to have a competition to see who could get the most, I won it last year with thirteen confirmed kills. But to be honest all I wanted to do was get home, I’d been stuck here for three weeks now, been sprayed with horse manure by some Froggie farmer, I’ve barely been able to stretch me legs in case one of those dark lads drive off with me load and I can tell you after weeks of living off of biscuits and peeing in a coke tin you’re quite entitled to say you have had enough.

That was of course until I saw the bus was full of Chinese birds, I have always had a great affection for your Jap as I married one once, got her off of the internet dead cheap. A Thai girl she was, only 16 well that's what her papers said and so that's good enough for me thank you very much, great cooks your Thais, and very subservient in the bedroom department, God knows what happened to her mind as she buggered off when I was doing a night run over to Rotterdam didn't even get me money back neither. I suppose that's how I knew the bus had the girls on it as I recognised their screams for help from the time with the wife so I knew I had to act.

So I stuck me rig in first and pulled up right at the back of van, I winged one of the buggers because when I got back to the depot I found part of a foot stuffed up inside the wheel arch. Anyhow the mob were not put off so I climbed from the cab and knew I had to get stuck in.. Its a good job I keep a wheel brace under my seat and a few tins of mace, and not that rubbish you get off of the internet but the proper stuff that you can pick up off the Frog bobbies. Happily one sight of me coming at em and they legged it, I did get hold of one the little ones mind and I give him a bit of me spray and he got toe up the backside, I bloody hate kids me. Of Course the girls were very grateful that I got rid of the bloody foreigners and they gave me a gift of a brand new pair of their bikini bottoms as a keepsake .I did say that i'd be happy with a dirty pair mind but I don't think they understood what I meant.

ADVERTISEMENT

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THE BABY MOP

Parents, worried about dirty floors but at the same time to tired to take the little one out for some exercise ? Well heres a great idea from Falcon Incorporated which will help you do both in half the time ...the Baby Mop. Each figure hugging romper suit is hand stitched by our skilled machinists in our Phuket workshops is made from stylish 100% Thai nylon and comes fully lined with genuine synthetic sheep hair. This unique combination allows your little one to not only snuggly crawl around the floor to his hearts content but saves you the bother of polishing or mopping afterwards. Why not combine the baby mop with a spray of Falcon Incorporated floor cleaner we will guarantee that you are guaranteed great results everytime

FALCON INCORPORATED

WE'LL FIX THE PRICE SO YOU DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT THE QUALITY

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DAVE AND NICKS DIVISION 1 PREDICTIONS

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Dave and Nick

556805_365719220148344_773057464_n.jpg?oh=69842610c949b2e05371ab31e4464b65&oe=5653EA10&__gda__=1448154595_c2e92cd4d8069c345f07d4f4fc4ff9b2Captain Katheryn Janeway Writes....Its a welcome return to EC 7046 for renowned tipsters and ex Millwall stalwarts Dave Cussack and Nicky Chatterton. Since leaving the game Dave now runs a successful public house in his native Rotherham whilst Nicky is currently exploring other career paths after leaving his 15 year role as head grounds keeper for Southwark council. Nevertheless both the lads have kept in touch with the game and so in the first of a 4 week special we have asked the 1980s defensive duo to run an expert eye over the best of this weekends first division fixtures.

Match of the day

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Dave says...In what is very much a tale of two titties, the season 13 fortunes of the leagues most successful managers could not be more different. Whilst perhaps remaining one of the games more divisive of figures, few would begrudge Simon Plutos the credit for a magnificent season 12 title winning campaign, as the 63 year old glided the Red Devils to their 5th title and an outstanding 11h trophy. Despite last weeks shock 2-0 defeat at Swansea which saw them drop down to 7th spot United remain very much a contender to repeat last years as they clinchd the title with two games in hand and a full 8 points ahead of second placed Chelsea. Key to last years success was the magnificent 26 goal haul by striker Diego Costa and with 13 goals so far this season its odds on that the brutish looking Spaniard will dominate a feeble Boro defence in a memorable '' 3-5-2'' powered home win.

Dave reckons....Manchester United 2- Middlesbrough 0

Nick says... Its bleak times indeed for self appointed soccer legend Jooles Dawson, as season 13 sees his Boro outfit firmly wedged at the bottom of the table after amassing a paltry 11 points from 16 games. Beset by injuries and suffering with a generally poor level of fitness many now point to the Canadians over reliance on a ageing squad who, so far this season at least, can only be said to looking well past their prime. Once known for his high media profile, Dawson is strangely silent nowadays with rumours that he spends most of his time away from the Riverside cut off in a full sized replica of an Inuit igloo. This lack of leadership could of course not come at a worse time for Boro and all the talk from fans leaving the ground after the weekends 2-1 defeat to bitter rivals Sunderland, is that Dawson has lost both the dressing room and perhaps his mind. Boro come to game without the suspended Alex Costa and joint top scorer Mario Mandzukic and to make matters worse late fitness checks for Dede, Skrtel, Fabregas, Xavi, Alaverez and Jonas.

Nick reckons.. Manchester United 3 Middlesbrough 0

Dave

Liverpool v Milton Keynes Dons …the Scousers to recover from a 2-1 defeat by Ipswich to overpower the Dons 3-1

Derby County v Ipswich Town....Ipswich to continue a solid season by eclipsing Derby 2-0

West Bromwich Albion v Fulham...A tight 1-1 draw for two evenly matched midtablers.

Sunderland v Bolton Wanderers...Sunderland to consolidate 3rd spot with a 1-0 home win

Nick

Everton v Swansea City...... An improvement in form for Swansea is enough to earn a 2-2 draw

Sheffield United v Tottenham Hotspur...League leaders United to edge a 1-0 win over their visitors.

Nottingham Forest V Huddersfield Town... Take the wife and the kids out instead this is a nailed on 0-0 bore draw

Chelsea V Swindon Town...A spirited show from Swindon won't be enough in a 3-1 home win.

......next week divison two

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DIVISION 2 PREDICTIONS

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Division 2 MATCH OF THE DAY

Preston-Shrewsbury

Reice has had over 300 games at Preston and are hopeful of bettering last seasons best ever league two final position of third as that would mean automatic promotion to the promised land. Although they seem to have hit a bit of bad form they still sit in second place just goal difference off the top. Today they take on Jes's Shrewsbury who sit two places and two points behind Preston in fourth spot. Shrewsbury have had a dream run with Mr Jes Steve at the helm, back when he took over in season seven they finished a lowly eleventh place in division four but since then they lost out in the playoffs then went on to back to back runner up spots in division four and three over the last two seasons. Can Shrewsbury make it from division four to division one in three seasons? On the basis of form this season they are definitely in with a shout.

Shrewsbury have a much lower rated side with no players over 89 rated and if you compare that to Preston with the likes of Dzeko, Huntelaar, Pjanic & Nainggolan then they should be going into this game as favourites especially with home advantage but with the slight loss of form things are a little greyer. I think this will be a tight close game and I am opting for a share of the spoils.

Prediction Preston 1 Shrewsbury 1

----------------

Other games

Aston Villa 0- Northampton 2~Villa are struggling in the drop zone but seem to have imroved but I think Northampton will make it four wins in a row.

Tranmere 1-Arsenal 2~Arsenal to win this.

Leeds1-Exeter 2 ~Bottom club Exeter to start a push for survival against out of form Leeds.

Watford 1-Man City 1 ~Two clubs that are not playing the best footy to share the spoils.

Burnley 2- Aldershot 1 ~Burnley to win this and stake a playoff claim.

Bury 2 Portsmouth 0 ~ Bury to win this like the both games last season.

Hartlepool 1 -West Ham 2 ~Hammers to start kicking it up a notch.

Carlisle 1 -Bristol 0 ~Close game but Carlisle to edge and keep top spot.

Rotherham 1- Walsall 2 ~Walsall to keep up the trend and make it three in a row over Walsall.

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